tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post4311635763164090120..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1161Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-34510309871903459242014-10-27T13:42:26.409-04:002014-10-27T13:42:26.409-04:00Author> I'd add in a few more specifics to ...Author> I'd add in a few more specifics to add some interest and quash a few questions. If you explain exactly what started the fire, no one will be puzzling over what "residue from the ritual" might mean. If you say what Avalyn's powers are, it's clear what she can do to help in the war.<br /><br />I'd change the structure of the first sentence in plot paragraph 1 to put the Celtic shaman training before the dad. The fact that she's training to be a shaman is more important than the fact that Dad is training her.<br /><br />The jump from "fire kills dad and sweetheart" to "forced conversion and marriage" is a bit sudden and disconnected. If you can say that the death of her dad and sweetheart mearns there's no one to help her survive or to hide her shaman training, it'll make the transition clear.<br /><br />"Fierce devotion" isn't winning me over, particularly since I'm not sure if he's devoted to Avalyn, his faith, his land, or something else. Maybe split this into two sentences, showing how Teague wins her hand or how what started as a marriage of convenience grows into genuine love.<br /><br />Put the pregnancy before the choice between two lovers. You want to end on the decision she has to make and the consequences of each option, not additional info that might raise the stakes, but doesn't change the choice. And like EE said, we need to know if she gets married just a month or two after Dylan's death or if she's potential carrying a ghost baby.<br /><br />IMHO> if the alternative is giving away the end of the story, I prefer the "she can do x or y" format. Ideally, it leaves editors feeling like they want to read the manuscript to find out the resolution. At the least, it should make editors believe that readers will want to keep reading to find out the resolution. Since queries are supposed to be short anyway, you probably want to show as many cards in your hand as you need to and not one more. Putting in the ending is just and extra card.<br /><br />Of course, the "choice between x or y" format doesn't work for every story. Sometimes it's more about a task the character needs or want to complete, so the format is more "if character succeeds, then a; if character fails, b."InkAndPixelClubhttp://ladiesofcomicazi.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82133649927910236702014-10-27T13:28:03.950-04:002014-10-27T13:28:03.950-04:00I don't see the advantage to saying She must d...I don't see the advantage to saying She must decide between X and Y. Spoiler alert: She goes with Y!!!<br /><br />In many cases it's possible to set up the conflict such that the reader understands the character's decision without it being stated, although in this case it's not obvious that she can join Dylan in the Otherworld (as he apparently got there by burning to death) so maybe it's necessary to imply that she can go there.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-470169474655411082014-10-27T12:58:32.202-04:002014-10-27T12:58:32.202-04:00I personally dislike queries that end with "s...I personally dislike queries that end with "she/he must decide whether to do X or Y." But I've also seen advice saying that a query should not give away the ending. <br /><br />EE, author, minions -- what do you think? Better to simply set up the final conflict, or say what Avalyn decides? IMHOnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52056462260595519962014-10-27T11:08:56.254-04:002014-10-27T11:08:56.254-04:00Sounds pretty good.
Plot P1: Change "life&qu...Sounds pretty good.<br /><br />Plot P1: Change "life" to "lives."<br /><br />PP2: Residue is okay if there's a flammable substance left behind after the ritual. Otherwise you want result or aftereffect or completion.<br /><br />"Eventually" suggests enough time passes between the fire and hooking up with Teague that she should know whose child she carries.<br /><br />"Forced to convert to Christianity" suggests they make her do it, when "they" didn't know she wasn't already Christian. I'd just say she adopts Christianity.<br /><br />That she had to keep her Shamanistic training secret from Dylan suggests he was Christian, so how come he's in a Celtic Otherworld? Seems like it's her father who would be there.<br /><br />No need to address or avoid these issues in the query unless you feel they might bother other readers.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82833458790308931322014-10-27T09:30:11.366-04:002014-10-27T09:30:11.366-04:00Hello there Mr. Evil Editor.
So I am still worki...Hello there Mr. Evil Editor. <br /><br />So I am still working on my query. It was originally called AVALYN when I sent it to you a year ago. I sent out a few queries to agents (after submitting to your site) with no positive response. I attended a conference where my MS was very well received, but my query still didn't make the grade. I know it has been over a year since I originally submitted to you, but I am hoping to revamp it. <br /><br /><br />Dear Ms. Wishgranter,<br /><br /> My debut novel, Of Mist and Flame is an 86,000-word YA fantasy set in 13th Century England. <br /><br />Avalyn has been training under the gentle guidance of her father in the ways of the Celtic shaman. She partakes in rituals that strip her of her senses only to have them return with acuity, a process that taps hidden powers of the mind. Living in a Christian town, Avalyn must keep these rituals a secret from everyone, including her sweetheart, Dylan. Unfortunately the residue of one ritual leads to a fire that claims the life of both her father and Dylan.<br /><br />Forced to convert to Christianity, Avalyn eventually marries a young knight, Teague, whose fierce devotion wins her heart. While battles plague their home front, Avalyn is confronted with conflicts of her own. Her shamanistic learning could aid those around her but would betray her secret training. Complicating her situation, she learns that her lost love, Dylan, still exists in a Celtic Otherworld. She must decide between her loyalty to a good Christian husband who has salvaged her broken spirit or the world of mysteries her father gave his life to preserve- a world where her lost love lives on. Raising the stakes, she finds that she is pregnant with a child that could be the seed of either world. Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-88545996806712457132014-04-16T03:21:33.840-04:002014-04-16T03:21:33.840-04:00The second query flows better, but I feel like you...The second query flows better, but I feel like you are leaving a lot out. Firstly where did the whole self-sacrifice thing go, although bringing up heaps of questions it struck me as an interesting concept. Now the main thrust is if she will stay in a magical land with an ex-lover or go back and wait for her husbands return (if he lives). Where as the first query sounded like a young women trying to become a super-pagan to... save the world? Fight off the Christians? More details would be good. Is the climax the decision between lovers, or is there something else?Cilnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84240750658579703242014-04-16T03:03:13.890-04:002014-04-16T03:03:13.890-04:00What if Teague killed Dylan so he could get her to...What if Teague killed Dylan so he could get her to marry him, and control her and her magic? Dylan tells Avalyn this, and she rescues him from the Faerie Otherworld. Together they must stop Teague from doing *something horrible and devastating that would keep Dylan and Avalyn apart forever*CavalierdeNuithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09862976676163347369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1815320346700034472014-04-15T19:28:32.988-04:002014-04-15T19:28:32.988-04:00I don't get how she's supposed to be so &q...I don't get how she's supposed to be so "secure" with her husband. He left her vulnerable to being raped or killed, possibly even sold into slavery. Sure, it wasn't his fault, but still, I wouldn't feel very secure.St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-7847163711800391862014-04-15T17:06:57.163-04:002014-04-15T17:06:57.163-04:00Those don't sound like medieval Celtic names. ...Those don't sound like medieval Celtic names. They sound like 21st century names.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90916272044707058262014-04-15T16:34:00.058-04:002014-04-15T16:34:00.058-04:00"Frontline" should be "front lines...."Frontline" should be "front lines."<br /><br />"Susceptible" should be "vulnerable."<br /><br />"Beckoning" should be "imploring."<br /><br /><br />Your pagan father and pagan lover are burned to death, and you think <i>you're</i> the one who's been punished for pagan ways?<br /><br />That one-sentence wrap-up paragraph doesn't tell us anything we can't infer. Is that it? She sees Dylan, makes her decision, the end? If she spends some time in the Otherworld and some time with Teague, what events feed into her decision? <br /><br />Basically, we have the setup: Remarried after her first love, Dylan, died in a fire, Avalyn discovers Dylan alive in the Faerie Otherworld. What we need is some information about what happens next. Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-85456352872402608762014-04-15T16:03:37.719-04:002014-04-15T16:03:37.719-04:00
Dear Mrs. Wishgranter,
I am seeking representati...<br />Dear Mrs. Wishgranter,<br /><br />I am seeking representation for my 85,000 word historic fantasy, Of Mist and Flame, set in 13th century Britain.<br /><br />Avalyn believes that she has been punished for her pagan lifestyle. A fire killed her father, a man who gently guided her in the ways of the Celtic shaman. The blaze also claimed the life of her young lover Dylan. Avalyn has since converted to Christianity and consented to an arranged marriage to a good Christian man, Teague. Teague’s undying devotion won her over, and she finds peace and security in the simple life he offers.<br /><br />Soon wartime carries Teague to the frontline, leaving their estate susceptible to marauders. When raiders pillage their home, Avalyn flees to the forest where she stumbles into the Faerie Otherworld and finds her lost love, Dylan, alive, beckoning her to return to her pagan roots.<br /><br />Torn between the security and devotion of her husband, and the enchantment offered by Dylan in the world beyond, Avalyn must decide which life offers more promise.<br /><br />I will be happy to send along the full manuscript if you are interested.<br /><br />Thank you,Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-28202258658005898962013-10-15T14:16:50.637-04:002013-10-15T14:16:50.637-04:00This may sound like an odd question, but...what di...This may sound like an odd question, but...what did the Celts call these ceremonies & rituals? Wouldn't that be better terminology than something that implies slaughter?khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56344378823994814662013-10-14T23:35:13.494-04:002013-10-14T23:35:13.494-04:00I'm loving this secret ritual sacrifice, and t...I'm loving this secret ritual sacrifice, and the loss of the senses thing. It did sound too severe, so call it something a little sunnier. "The Renewal" does sound better. If you apply what EE has said, you'll have a sharp query, but remember to do the same thing in the book.CavalierdeNuithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09862976676163347369noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-47686466717298798862013-10-14T22:29:12.921-04:002013-10-14T22:29:12.921-04:00"realizes the real" (way down in the que..."realizes the real" (way down in the query) could be improved.<br /><br />By the end of the query, Avalyn is wondering whether to keep sacrificing her way towards superpowers or give up paganism and trudge through the rest of her lonely life. Where in the book does that happen? One can't tell; your query might be missing the entire middle and end of the book. Also, this moment might have more impact if we felt a little warmer about her romance and her relationship with her father.<br /><br />I hope these rituals are risky and spooky, like that Flatliners movie.J.M.https://www.blogger.com/profile/11243899014416529945noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56256392189509728482013-10-14T20:37:52.717-04:002013-10-14T20:37:52.717-04:00Historical fantasy can be pretty cool, and it seem...Historical fantasy can be pretty cool, and it seems to me there is renewed interest in the genre. The Celtic stuff is just enough off the well-worn path to give your story an interesting direction.<br /><br />I did wonder about your use of the term “sacrifice.” If it is some special element of the story, keep it but explain it better. It could be very important, even if not meant literally. If not, drop it entirely.<br /><br />Also, I’ve always thought a question at the end of a query to an agent should be included only if you’re certain your query has been provocative enough to deserve one. If your query ends with two questions, it better be provocative times 2.<br /><br />Another thing. When I first checked in to EE’s blog, I noticed that you, the author, were the first to post a comment. Really unusual. Not sure I’ve ever seen that happen before. But I understand it. I understand that many of the minions who are usually ready and quick with their opinions were taking some time to dry their tears, after reading EE’s last mention that there might be a limited number of times left to post.<br /><br />I only have one question to EE (make that two): If ever I get any of my stories published that are simmering on the back burner after that 3,333,333th hit, where should I send my success story? And when I finish this next fan art picture that I’m drawing for EE, is there any way I can get it to your refrigerator’s door?<br />jameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17956891424819530906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14308192100319219132013-10-14T18:24:36.078-04:002013-10-14T18:24:36.078-04:00"There she can dally in faerie daydreams, sin..."There she can dally in faerie daydreams, sing as she pleases, and be subjected to secret ritual sacrifice." I laughed out loud at this line. That really does come out of nowhere. <br /><br />The query is riddled with small errors. If there's any chance the ms is also, you need to hire someone to fix all these niggling little problems.<br /><br />Has her father completed all the sacrifices? Why can't he? Is it because he isn't a virgin?<br /><br />Who presides over the sacrifices? A group of druids?<br /><br />What is the point of having her fall in love with anybody? It seems you've done this just so Avalyn has someone she loves to lose terribly so she can rethink the whole thing. What does the spurned suitor do? I doubt he just gives up. <br /><br />I'd like to know what the romance and the rivalry adds to the story if it is not just a distracting subplot.St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-36753894762028080642013-10-14T14:14:53.527-04:002013-10-14T14:14:53.527-04:00Hello,
This is the author. Thank you so much for...Hello, <br /><br />This is the author. Thank you so much for your critique! I think I will attempt a query without the suitors and see how that works out.<br /><br />As for the "sacrifice," I thought that calling it such would add intrigue. Maybe putting a twist on preconceived notions of Celtic Sacrifice (btw I'm from Boston... Well played : )). But it seems to have been more unsettling than intriguing so I will work on it. I appreciate "the renewal" suggestion. <br /><br />Thank you again! Look forward to reading comments from the minions!<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com