tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post4295867221346018495..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1256Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8357430134889968972015-07-07T17:58:21.784-04:002015-07-07T17:58:21.784-04:00The brutal eunuch! Has he been around lately, or...The brutal eunuch! Has he been around lately, or is this his first appearance in eons? I've been away for a few years...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71947286197312130862015-04-22T19:01:32.870-04:002015-04-22T19:01:32.870-04:00Hi Author
I don't have problems with the name...Hi Author<br /><br />I don't have problems with the names. What does bother me is the way she seems to blow hot/cold with her brother. And do the Hawksmen go through the whole palace, looking for anyone who might have magic ability? Otherwise, why pick an underaged seamstress?khazarkhumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-10834582884916603562015-04-22T13:33:37.792-04:002015-04-22T13:33:37.792-04:00This is long and rambling. You'll have to shor...This is long and rambling. You'll have to shorten it by at least half.<br /><br />I'd re-think the name Wen. Here's the definition of a wen: "a boil or other swelling or growth on the skin, especially a sebaceous cyst."St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-64185347996332500282015-04-22T12:41:27.539-04:002015-04-22T12:41:27.539-04:00Before anything else, take EE's advice an pare...Before anything else, take EE's advice an pare down to at most half of what you have here. This is sprawling and the story is getting lost among the irrelevant details. I don't need to know that the Hawksmen call magic "fairing," that Wen want's to become a court physician, or the entirety of Xue's plan for getting ahead in life. These may be important factors in the story, but they're unnecessary for the query. Your story doesn't start until paragraph four and there's no guarantee that an agent or editor will read that far if there's a big stack of queries to go through and no time to do anything but skim for what grab the reader's attention right away.<br /><br />Also, if you have pages and pages setting up Xue and Wen's life as orphans, their plan to take the entrance exams and become palace slaves, their dreams for the future, the arrival of the Hawksmen, and the banquet, your manuscript may be in need of an edit as well.<br /><br />Are healer particularly rare? If not, why wouldn't the Hawksmen bring a healer along when the king's son is visiting a foreign country. Bringing the person who can sniff out magical abilities in others is a longshot for helping if Beorn gets sick or poisoned.<br /><br />I can guess that Beorn is sending spies to investigate his poisoning because he suspects that people in power were involved and a formal inquiry will be led to red herrings and dead ends by those same people. You don't want the reader of your query to have to guess, though. You want to be clear. But why is Beorn learning about his father pushing the treaty forward and agreeing to go to war through spies instead of through official channels?<br /><br />This may be a nonstarter since you're going with Chinese names for the Jade Empire characters. But since it does appear to a fictional empire based on China, you might want to consider changing the spelling of Xue's name to something a bit more phonetic in English so no one gets tripped up on the pronunciation.<br /><br />I have no trouble believing that there's a good story in here. You just need to unbury it from the extra stuff so the main character and plot can shine.InkAndPixelClubhttp://ladiesofcomicazi.comnoreply@blogger.com