tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post4258304101942073825..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1102Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53422326293757314022013-02-08T10:15:15.240-05:002013-02-08T10:15:15.240-05:00You've got all the time in the world! Good luc...You've got all the time in the world! Good luck!150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83554161617634003282013-02-07T23:25:44.221-05:002013-02-07T23:25:44.221-05:00I, for one, will be glad to look at the revised ve...I, for one, will be glad to look at the revised version. It's good to know your enthusiasm isn't dimmed. You take criticism well so most people will be willing to help you.St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-23270902057282707472013-02-07T10:01:00.742-05:002013-02-07T10:01:00.742-05:00PS: 'Fari' is the present infinitive of &#...PS: 'Fari' is the present infinitive of 'speak' in early Latin. The word is relevant to the story itself, but not--as has been so cogently pointed out--to the query.Scientiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09254279030002819459noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-43057206674570512762013-02-07T03:46:07.138-05:002013-02-07T03:46:07.138-05:00Again, thank you all for your feedback; it's a...Again, thank you all for your feedback; it's absolutely invaluable. <br /><br />One of the things EE's feedback made me realize is that my plot arc isn't smooth enough. It doesn't require major rewriting, but it does require tweaking and reshuffling--so my rewritten query may be some time in coming (clinical rotations are kind of like holding 2 jobs at once). I hope that two or three months from now, some of you will still be willing to offer feedback on the rewritten query.<br /><br />And to Mr. Evil Editor, "AA" and "Veronica Rundell" especially, thank you for taking the time to give such detailed criticism. Finding peer review given so directly and disinterestedly in the murky world of publishing is like stumbling across treasure in a dark forest (the pain of barked shins doesn't make me any less ecstatic).Scientiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09254279030002819459noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38709470447304624082013-02-06T14:45:18.831-05:002013-02-06T14:45:18.831-05:00There's a lot here that I just plain can't...There's a lot here that I just plain can't understand without reading your MS, or at least a thorough synopsis. <br /><br />For instance: "And in much of the Under—where Olympian gods are Fari (humans keep getting that wrong), human geniuses visit after faking their own deaths, and every fairytale has a hidden angle—a lack of kharis magic condemns you to slavery."<br /><br />Some questions: <br />1. Why Fari instead of Fairy or Faery? <br />2. What is the Under? Why is the Under under Britain and not, say, Mount Olympus? <br />3. What human geniuses? <br />4. Why do they fake their own deaths? <br />5. What is kharis magic? <br />6. Why does a lack of it condemn you to slavery? <br />7. What does that have to do with fairytales having hidden angles? <br />8. What, exactly, is a "hidden angle?" <br /><br />And that's just ONE sentence. <br /><br />You're trying way too hard to be witty. Your protag isn't just a liberated female, she's trained as a Marine and even has a guy's name! Your fairies aren't just different, they're actually Olympian gods and spell it "Fari"! Okay, pat yourself on the back for turning some conventions on their ears. <br /><br />But in a query letter, you don't have enough space to be so self-congratulatory. All you have room for is to tell the story. The agent wants to know what happens, and that's totally obscured by the way the query is written.<br /><br />I'd get rid of the stuff about the Marines (since she isn't actually a Marine,) cute author asides, like what humans keep getting wrong, human geniuses faking their own deaths, surviving the price of victory, and other things that are either confusing or rabbit trails.<br />Re-write the query with a focus on the story alone.<br />St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31739482147775979392013-02-06T13:51:49.728-05:002013-02-06T13:51:49.728-05:00Hard to say. Never seen one sobbing at the Job Cen...Hard to say. Never seen one sobbing at the Job Centre.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16467229735092972512013-02-06T10:59:09.894-05:002013-02-06T10:59:09.894-05:00@BuffySquirrel--
Are teleporting 'Fari' r...@BuffySquirrel--<br /><br />Are teleporting 'Fari' redundant in Britain now, too?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-60184981931624809532013-02-06T07:32:30.810-05:002013-02-06T07:32:30.810-05:00I'd change the name to Charley. Or is that Cha...I'd change the name to Charley. Or is that Charlie? ... Charli? I don't know, maybe Luke's alright.jameshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17956891424819530906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84741626806989332732013-02-06T06:26:06.269-05:002013-02-06T06:26:06.269-05:00She can't be a librarian in London. They'v...She can't be a librarian in London. They've all been made redundant.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17807296456781786842013-02-06T00:48:59.301-05:002013-02-06T00:48:59.301-05:00author, kudos for doing two degrees that would sap...author, kudos for doing two degrees that would sap most mortal's energy and write a hefty novel in the meantime. What do you do in your spare time? Run marathons?<br /><br />Personally, I thought it was interesting, despite the query being a little convoluted.<br /><br />I, too, stumbled over the name. Then again, The Norse figure Loki was a shape shifter and occasionally appeared as an elderly woman. And he fought gods, too. Is your character loosely based on him?<br /><br />My suggestion is to go easy on the neologisms in the query, and follow EEs suggestions to the letter.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-13546979073085946382013-02-05T21:41:15.068-05:002013-02-05T21:41:15.068-05:00Love to see how this shapes up! Love to see how this shapes up! Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73395688000525915142013-02-05T21:29:14.019-05:002013-02-05T21:29:14.019-05:00Cheers! If you post a revision in the comments, we...Cheers! If you post a revision in the comments, we'll take a second look.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52217616710115178332013-02-05T21:15:56.677-05:002013-02-05T21:15:56.677-05:00Luke is a boy's name.
Examples:
St. Luke the...Luke is a boy's name.<br /><br />Examples:<br /><br />St. Luke the Apostle<br /><br />Luke Skywalker<br /><br />See? Boys.<br /><br />Think of writing a query as an obstacle course. Calling your heroine "Luke" is like voluntarily throwing in an extra obstacle to lower your chances.<br /><br />And believe me, nobody needs to lower their chances in this business.<br />AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81074206006409564712013-02-05T20:53:50.628-05:002013-02-05T20:53:50.628-05:00Thank you, thank you, thank you! *seizes her lexic...Thank you, thank you, thank you! *seizes her lexical seam-ripper* I'll get to work on this.<br /><br /> Scientiahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09254279030002819459noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18582665960560380692013-02-05T18:53:32.054-05:002013-02-05T18:53:32.054-05:00In general, this query raises a lot of questions. ...In general, this query raises a lot of questions. It's okay to raise questions in a query--particularly if the question is: Author, may I have pages?<br />However, when the questions are of the logic and structure of your story that is not good.<br /><br />For example: The protag is in Nashville--then is sucked away to Under, under Britain? Why in Britain? Why not Under Nashville?, Or, why isn't she a librarian in London?<br /><br />Why would a world-class martial arts librarian even consider to train Marines, let alone join them? I can't imagine a combat career being a logical choice for an educated, presumably-centered woman. <br /><br />As to that: how does a 12 y/o respond to a Fari (Fairy? Faerie?) prince? Especially as he now is a King who wishes her to battle for him? And, why does she consent to a battle that could cost her life in order to secure some King's throne? For his idealism? For his blinding beauty? To prevent the enslavement of humans lacking kharis magic? Does Luke even HAVE kharis magic?<br />It seems WAY out there as a premise. <br /><br />Why would human geniuses fake their deaths to visit an underground land where they are to be enslaved? This choice will boggle the non-geniuses picking up your novel.<br /><br />Focus on the protag. Get her character across and define her goals and how those are upset in the<br />story. Let us know how she will rise above her challenges to save the humans from ultimate enslavement. <br /><br />Omit the fact that you've completed all three novels. <br />The SCOPE credit--is this the literary journal at your med school? If so, omit it. <br />In fact, omit everything about med school. No agent is going to want to tangle with an author who is concurrently enrolled in both an MD and a JD program--it indicates you've got too many things going to adequately address manuscript revisions. <br /><br />I'm with 150--Of all the names for your female protag you came up with: Luke. Your first consideration might be to hit the Find/Replace on Word-because this gender confusion is not likely to help your cause.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-10383314495223237082013-02-05T18:48:55.410-05:002013-02-05T18:48:55.410-05:00So the king who doesn't believe humans should ...So the king who doesn't believe humans should be slaves has enslaved your protagonist.<br /><br />Uh?nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30293262500077326452013-02-05T17:19:34.790-05:002013-02-05T17:19:34.790-05:00There's a lot of promise here, but a lot of re...There's a lot of promise here, but a lot of red flags. "Fari", really? EE is correct: remove the kitchen-sinkery and tell the story in terms of Luke's (really?) choices and their consequences.150noreply@blogger.com