tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post4231387793787150938..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 350Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-5456488880902693432007-06-07T21:01:00.000-04:002007-06-07T21:01:00.000-04:00Amusing characters are good, but not enough. You ...Amusing characters are good, but not enough. You put all your writerly attention on the nouns. The action is not very interesting and things don't always logically connect or have a coherent cause. Try going through the whole thing staying focused on the transitions, relationships, causality. Here are your verbs from the paragraph that starts --<BR/><BR/>All Derora wants...<BR/><BR/>wants, fits, thinks, is, is assigned, is, is tested, is thrust, can swear, is, finds, named, gets, makes.<BR/><BR/>The query comes off as interesting characters doing boring stuff, see why?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-28956770556597140212007-06-07T18:38:00.000-04:002007-06-07T18:38:00.000-04:00I should never read these queries after drinking a...<I>I should never read these queries after drinking an entire bottle of Drambuie.</I><BR/><BR/>You have it backwards, EE. You should never read our queries <I>until</I> you've drunk a bottle ... or two.<BR/><BR/>Author, I have faith there's a story here somewhere with some good voice, but there's too much cluttering detail and not enough plot detail. Too many things thrown out that don't seem connected. <BR/><BR/>A little more focus, a little more consistency, and a little more dot-connecting and I think you could make this sound like a really fun read!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-91917616298142458162007-06-07T17:13:00.000-04:002007-06-07T17:13:00.000-04:00I just couldn't make sense of the first paragraph ...I just couldn't make sense of the first paragraph of the plot at all. The crippled elf is solving what? Why is a boarding school a solution? Why do the passages need to be secret ? And still, why make passages at all? Who is spying on the teachers lounge? And are the passages connecting those people to the bridges? <BR/><BR/>I see others followed this so I guess it's just me ... but I gave up on the basis I hadn't a clue what was going on.Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05925593802209715440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65808537968375779332007-06-07T17:01:00.000-04:002007-06-07T17:01:00.000-04:00"From two viewpointsWay back before the bibletradi..."From two viewpoints<BR/>Way back before the bible<BR/>tradition of rich graduates<BR/>her secrecy is tested." -EE<BR/><BR/>It's almost like a query in hiaku form... which sounds like fun exercise.<BR/><BR/>Either that or it sounds like the little promo blurbs that would show up on screen in some Asian fantasy/action/sci-fi movie poorly translated into english.Writenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00730996739123640661noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71168629973775611422007-06-07T15:55:00.000-04:002007-06-07T15:55:00.000-04:00she's thrust into a duel life almost faster than s...<I>she's thrust into a duel life almost faster than she can swear.</I><BR/><BR/>Nah, almost faster than she can cut and parry.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17241534206628717722007-06-07T14:45:00.000-04:002007-06-07T14:45:00.000-04:00I have to agree with pjd, I found the voice of thi...I have to agree with pjd, I found the voice of this query very trying. I thought it was trying too hard to be flip and cool and young. Also, I had to read it twice carefully in order to understand what was happening. The second paragraph is clunky in wording but I thought it was a very intriguing concept. However, I think the main thrust of your query is in Derora's paragraph. I think you should start your query with Derora and cut out the second and third paragraphs completely. You can incorporate the importance of the test within your Derora paragraph cause it is important, but should be condensed. I actually think your story sounds very interesting, and the flip tone of your query is not a bad idea, since it is YA, it is just a little too much at times. You might consider toning it down a notch so it doesn't feel so much like a rebellious, obnoxious teenager mouthing off.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67854353626901533562007-06-07T14:41:00.000-04:002007-06-07T14:41:00.000-04:00This is another query written for someone who alre...This is another query written for someone who already knows the story. It sounds interesting and fun, but some of the things you included (like the ones anon pointed out) come off like inside jokes because we have no context and get no explanation. Pretend the reader doesn't know anything about your story.<BR/><BR/>Also, since this is a YA novel, you risk forcing your audience to endure 66,000 words while singing, "Derora Derora Derora the Explerorer..." <BR/><BR/>And I'm assuming you're using "The School" as a placeholder until you've decided on the real name. You've put all this time and energy into creating this world and these characters. Take ten minutes and write down as many names for the school as you can. At least <I>one</I> will be better than "The School."Blogless Trollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983848259551488867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56079060782866084552007-06-07T14:06:00.000-04:002007-06-07T14:06:00.000-04:00Most excellent GTP entries! My entry was not sele...Most excellent GTP entries! My entry was not selected, but it paled in comparison to these. Of the six, I was really hoping this was not #2 (OK, nor nos 1 or 3). I love #4 and #5 especially.<BR/><BR/>I did not care for this query. While I guess you could say it had a strong voice, I found that voice annoying and contrived, like someone trying too hard to speak teen. I would not want to read an entire book in that voice. (But I'm not the target audience, am I?)<BR/><BR/>I also just didn't get the premise (why start a school?). And what's with the crippled elf? Crippled how? Is that important? Is this an elf like Elrond or an elf like in the Keebler commercials, or an elf like with Santa Claus? Were there elves in Eden? And where does the crippled elf go, and how can the crippled elf let an invading army take over the school?<BR/><BR/>Really, though, you lost me with "From two viewpoints, THE NATURE ROOM is a finished 66,000 word YA novel." Are there viewpoints from which THE NATURE ROOM is <I>not</I> a finished 66,000 word YA novel?<BR/><BR/>To bastardize spooge26's comment: so many questions, so little patience.PJDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05028687955957107957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-74873538752813837192007-06-07T13:45:00.000-04:002007-06-07T13:45:00.000-04:00Dual life, not duel.It seems like I'm reading exce...Dual life, not duel.<BR/><BR/>It seems like I'm reading excerpts of synopses from several different books. We start with Derora and her standard school worries, the next paragraph is a fantasy history lesson, then we get John and his standard school worries, then it's back to Derora again. Focus on one thread. Eliminate all the extraneous plot points.<BR/><BR/>The most popular girl in school, guys wanting to date her, the outsider who wants to fit in - these are all standard school story stuff. Not needed. If John's history test isn't central to the plot, leave it out. We all know what kids do in school.<BR/><BR/>I also don't see the importance of rich graduates, the elf faking his own death, the kid who passes the test but is too young, John's tutoring - in fact, most of the plot points you mention seem minor until you suddenly hit us with the invading army, which presumably comes from oh-so-peaceful Eden?<BR/><BR/>Find the most important narrative thread in your story (probably the other planet and the invading extra-terrestrials?), and focus on that.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-9485593801911635962007-06-07T13:20:00.000-04:002007-06-07T13:20:00.000-04:00So is this like Harry Potter meets Red Dawn?So is this like Harry Potter meets Red Dawn?merperhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17212282661263276801noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24556354966184068322007-06-07T13:14:00.000-04:002007-06-07T13:14:00.000-04:00So many disparate elements cobbled together make y...So many disparate elements cobbled together make your book sound like it has an identy crisis. Because of all the elements from so many tropes, the query reads like the book should be an amusing spoof... but I gather it isn't.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21554262736009733982007-06-07T12:47:00.000-04:002007-06-07T12:47:00.000-04:00"world gets barfed on" - love that line.I had no p..."world gets barfed on" - love that line.<BR/><BR/>I had no problem understanding the two viewpoints or how they're describing individual issues in the query. I understood "before the Bible", etc. What lost me is this war stuff - who are they? All I see is the "Eden" and Earth. Is Eden attacking Earth? <BR/><BR/>I like this. I like the idea, I like the voice - good job in getting voice into the query. Not an easy task!<BR/><BR/>I agree with EE - focus on Derora if you can. Hers seemed more interesting to me, but overall, it sounds like something my kids would like.Brendahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17083327647412477394noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-27033454673150982932007-06-07T12:20:00.000-04:002007-06-07T12:20:00.000-04:00you also said this was from two points of view, ri...you also said this was from two points of view, right? be clear who these people are because I wasn't sure. i think i'd like to see it from the crippled elf's view, but that might be a little short sighted. <BR/><BR/>(sorry, i'm deliriously tired at work)Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17574482298403709795noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24219525272406943902007-06-07T12:18:00.000-04:002007-06-07T12:18:00.000-04:00oh so many questions, and so little time to ask th...oh so many questions, and so little time to ask them all...<BR/><BR/>so, humans got kicked off another planet? by whom? and didn't he/she/it know it would upset the balance of terror (oops, Star Trek on the brain) balance of nature?<BR/><BR/>and do i really want to read a book where someone is maulling their own or someone else's balls? nope. <BR/><BR/>this sounded like so many stories going on at once but i never got a feel for the basic story. why don't you try to summarize your story in once simple thought first (like EE did in the guess the plot) and then build from there what is absolutely important to put in the letter.Unknownhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17574482298403709795noreply@blogger.com