tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post4033746099292997740..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1245Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-86403128819731203522015-01-16T15:34:07.977-05:002015-01-16T15:34:07.977-05:00I want to thank our EE and everyone who commented....I want to thank our EE and everyone who commented. I appreciate your input.Victor Bondarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13962561228954371800noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-29985360281648362862015-01-16T10:49:23.472-05:002015-01-16T10:49:23.472-05:00Yeah, I think I mentioned that movie last time we ...Yeah, I think I mentioned that movie last time we talked about this query.<br /><br />I think the writer needs to just send the query, stop working on it, collect the rejections and move on to another manuscript. We are none of us getting any younger.<br /> AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-64716824946385975042015-01-15T16:24:21.641-05:002015-01-15T16:24:21.641-05:0015 year old prostitute reminds me of an exploitati...15 year old prostitute reminds me of an exploitation film of the 1980s...'Angel'.<br /><br />http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086896/?ref_=kw_li_tt<br /><br />While I can buy a street girl building a home with a family of other street kids, I can't buy that she is randomly marrying one of them. If she's got one in mind, tell us, and tell us why they haven't taken off for someplace safer to wait until she comes of age. <br /><br />What can't she imagine about the streets? Cleanliness? Kindness? Education? She has to have seen just about everything else.khazarkhumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90055456514937058362015-01-15T12:20:58.828-05:002015-01-15T12:20:58.828-05:00Fictional prostitutes:
Fantine - Les Miserables
N...Fictional prostitutes:<br /><br />Fantine - Les Miserables<br />Nana - Nana (Emile Zola)<br />Sugar - The Crimson Petal and the White<br />Jamie Lee Curtis as Ophelia in Trading Places. Yeah, it's a movie, but her character was one of the few heart-o-gold prostitute characters that I liked. She was smart and looked out for herself.<br />IMHOnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-85670738357479833222015-01-15T09:04:21.791-05:002015-01-15T09:04:21.791-05:00A lot of the comments from the earlier version sti...A lot of the comments from the earlier version still apply here. What strikes me is that the voice is off. Truth is building a life, looking toward the future with marriage, her bother, etc. She is hopeful, despite what she is doing currently to get by. So she wouldn’t think of herself as a “rat-ass ho.” And if this is her book, I’d suggest using her voice to convey the story. She becomes more sympathetic, someone to root for. If this is her voice, calling herself a rat-ass ho, then it sounds like she doesn’t much care about herself and so reader’s won’t, either. Maybe open with something more like:<br /><br />Everyone knows that life on New York’s mean streets is hard, and you have to do whatever you can just to survive. But fifteen year old Truth is doing more than surviving, she is starting to build a future for herself, the three boys in her street family, and her young brother who is stuck in an abusive foster home.<br /><br />Concentrate on her fighting spirit and what she’s doing to rise up. The other questions that pop into my mind while reading this, which you may want to address:<br /><br />How fat is her bankroll? If she has money already, why is she still hooking? I assume it’s not enough yet for her to move on, but just saying she has a fat bankroll means nothing and opens up the question. Maybe say she is building a fat bankroll, as opposed to already having one?<br /><br />You mention three boys, none by name, and that she is going to marry one of them on her 16th birthday. Leaving aside the legal issues mentioned in comments of the earlier version, this sounds like she is going to just pick one of them when the time comes. Does she have a romantic relationship with all three? Other than being mentioned alive and then dead, are they developed in the book? What does each of them mean to her, individually? If only one is her romantic interest and the others serve no story purpose, you might want to consider condensing them into a single character. The loss of one fiancé is just as devastating as the loss of him and two close friends, if he’s all she has.<br /><br />What is the connection between the kidnapping and the murders? Are they connected? As others have said, she should be dead as well. And if it is a “death trap” then maybe don’t call it kidnapping, which (to me at least) suggests holding for ransom with the possibility of return, whereas a death trap is kind of a one-way trip.<br /><br />Finally, the statement that she finds a side of the streets she could not have imagined. Does that mean she finds something hopeful and uplifting about them at the end? Does the street community band together to help save her and her brother (assuming he is still alive; he is not mentioned after the murders)? Because if you mean that she finds out that the streets are vicious and deadly, she pretty much already knew that.<br />JRMoshernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-5127440344674938902015-01-15T06:30:07.441-05:002015-01-15T06:30:07.441-05:00The name Truth irked me. Mercy I found easier to d...The name Truth irked me. Mercy I found easier to deal with.<br /><br />As for the query, I have the same complaints as IMHO, I don't feel like I get to know anything about Truth as a character. She is a street Ho who wants to get married and then she is fighting for her life. If this is a character driven book, let us get to know her. I think the same comments were made last time.<br /><br />Also make it seem more related and flow a little easier. At the moment it feels like all bad things happen to Truth and then she fights a cop to the death (if I remember from last time), and the bad things weren't really related.Cilnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8436271959754339832015-01-15T05:31:43.748-05:002015-01-15T05:31:43.748-05:00Unfortunately, I'm not seeing enough of a chan...Unfortunately, I'm not seeing enough of a change between Truth and Mercy to convince me that the story you have now is working better than the previous version. You've removed some of the extra baggage, but the core problem is still your completely unrealistic depiction of what teen prostitution looks like. Atypical or not, you start off with a fifteen-year-ols prostitute with a fat bankroll and you've lost me already. If the premise alone is too much for me to suspend my disbelief, I'm never going to buy Truth bribing her way out of a death trap or solving a mystery the cops can't crack.<br /><br />Is there any reason why Truth couldn't be 18 or 21 or any age where the idea of her having sex for money isn't so troubling. I'm not saying fifteen year old prostitutes don't exist, but the issue is so big that it's overwhelming your story. It's hard to care about whether or not Truth solves the mystery when the circumstances of her life seem like a much bigger problem. And, just because you didn't seem to get the message the first time around, your ideas about prostitution seem more "Pretty Woman" than real world.<br /><br />If there's no way you can write this story without making the protagonist a fifteen year old prostitute with considerable cash on hand and mystery solving skills, then maybe it's time to let it go.InkAndPixelClubhttp://ladiesofcomicazi.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73813861745979173252015-01-14T22:17:15.089-05:002015-01-14T22:17:15.089-05:00I think you need to concentrate the query on the g...I think you need to concentrate the query on the girl (whore) and the serial killer cop. You should explain why she is a street ho and why the cop is killing. Add the threat to the girl and her choice. Some details to leave to the book are the rape and kidnapping. <br /><br />Shorten the plot description to 200 words. The list it as a crime thriller or mystery thriller.<br /><br />Try again.<br /><br />Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-58303088818096616572015-01-14T14:29:16.435-05:002015-01-14T14:29:16.435-05:00I have all the same objections I had the first tim...I have all the same objections I had the first time around.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-27816167266472931152015-01-14T12:54:41.140-05:002015-01-14T12:54:41.140-05:00I can envision a YA novel where the MC is a crime-...I can envision a YA novel where the MC is a crime-solving street prostitute. And maybe this novel is it, but the query doesn't convince me. <br /><br />Truth sounds like a two-dimensional character (super-hero whore with a heart of gold! able to escape killers & solve crimes! with a fat bankroll!) rather than a YA main character. You haven't convinced me to suspend disbelief. In Hunger Games (as an example of a YA female MC with extraordinary powers), Katniss is not presented on page one as Warrior Queen. She struggles and develops. By the time she single-handedly takes down the Games, I'm along for the ride. <br /><br />All of Truth's obstacles are still external (killers, dumb cops, the street). If you're committed to a 15-year old prostitute as your MC, give your readers a 15-year-old prostitute -- a kid with psychological and social issues to overcome, not one whose happy cozy street home is disrupted by mean people. Why portray her as supporting three boys if they are there only to get blown away? A half-starved alley cat she befriends would serve the same purpose and be more believable (and possibly more poignant).IMHOnoreply@blogger.com