tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3926925878582520776..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1099Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37790433456357186722013-01-29T10:57:58.591-05:002013-01-29T10:57:58.591-05:00If you can use a few more key details that both sh...If you can use a few more key details that both show your world and clarify the plot, I think you'll be well on your way. Dystopian sci-fi is a competetive market, so you want to include the crucial world details that make your story different from both society as we know it and other dystopian stories. For example, you could expand on your initial parag. to say: "For kids underground*? That meant (living on military potatoes in exchange for indentured service once they turn 15)."<br /><br />This example is still a little clunky, but hopefully illustrates my point--a couple more crucial details in the right place can support a major plot point (the military angle) and show key worldbuilding (what they eat underground, how the military has become a pseudo-social agency after the rest of society's broken down, but also how they take advantage of that, etc.)<br /><br />*Also, you'd change the word 'underground' as per EE's suggestion.<br /><br />And, I agree with Tk that while the set-up is interesting, you should be more clear where the start actually starts. At first I thought the inciting incident was losing her parents, but then it skipped forward 7 years and now it looks like the inciting incident is losing her sister. If you shorten the first paragraph, you'll have room to show what Kara's plans are after Lizzy disappears.<br /><br />Also: "All that honor stuff is crap, but the adults lay it on heavy anyway, trying to justify sending folks to their deaths. " This makes me think only kids are in the military. Is that what you intended? If so... I hate to say it, but a)this stretches my disbelief a little far and b)sending kids to die while the adults sit back and watch is very Hunger Games.<br /><br />I like the punchy tone of your last paragraph, but agree with EE that by 'fighting' you more likely mean 'keeping them at bay' or something similar.<br /><br />Good luck! This sounds like a book I'd like to read : )Kelseynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-72896371746089774572013-01-29T10:49:11.689-05:002013-01-29T10:49:11.689-05:00Have to protect the borders if they want to surviv...Have to protect the borders if they want to survive. Hmm, well, okay, but you know what else you have to protect in order to survive? Young fertile women. Ahem.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52202921150651210642013-01-29T00:40:20.886-05:002013-01-29T00:40:20.886-05:00I like dystopian sci fi, so this intruiged me. But...I like dystopian sci fi, so this intruiged me. But I would like more information about the shifters.<br /><br />What are they - mutated humans living on the planet's surface while the rest of humanity fled underground? Monsters from another planet?<br /><br />Why are they 'snatching' humans? Or is it just the kid sis who is snatched, and the others killed? (I'm assuming 'snatched' is not the same as 'killed') Do the shifters need young humans for food/breeding/experiments?<br /><br />I am sure the real story is more original and dramatic than these guesses.<br /><br />Good luck!Mr Baskervillehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12222948226530471237noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14071357658220913482013-01-28T21:49:50.000-05:002013-01-28T21:49:50.000-05:00I think it's a great concept, but some of the ...I think it's a great concept, but some of the choppy sentences detracted. You can maintain the same tone with a few tweaks. <br /><br />Why are kids in the military? Is it scout duty, or front line fighting?<br /><br />Give us more of a sense of her bond with Lizzy, because the tone suggests Lizzy is more of a burden than a confidant. <br /><br />What do the snatchers do with the humans they snatch? Food? Forced labor? What are the risks now that Lizzy is gone? Is there a chance of her safe recovery? What would Kara's role be in the attempt, if there is one? Or, is it simply vengeance as the query suggests?<br /><br />Sounds like a great read...Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73312135917428190092013-01-28T19:54:41.142-05:002013-01-28T19:54:41.142-05:00Maybe I'm misreading it, since the other comme...Maybe I'm misreading it, since the other commenters don't seem bothered. So take this one as an outlier, but for what it's worth, to me this sounds like one of those "all set-up" queries. <br /><br />Lizzy disappearing is the inciting incident that begins the book, right? It just feels like there should be more. <br /><br />You've said that seventeen-year-old soldier Kara lives on a planet where monsters with long arms snatch (and rip apart) humans who eke out a living in underground hideouts. They took Kara's parents long ago. Now when they take her kid sister Lizzy, Kara's ready for revenge... Now the second paragraph.Tknoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-22213262621752037132013-01-28T18:46:02.096-05:002013-01-28T18:46:02.096-05:00I really like the image of: "At seventeen yea...I really like the image of: "At seventeen years old, all Kara’s got left is her dad’s cottage, a heightened sense of paranoia and her kid sister"<br />I find the term "shifter" difficult to grasp, though because I don't get what they are shifting yet. The description of "monsters who pushed humanity underground" says much more to me than "shifter".<br />I find the sentence that starts "She heads home..." to be awkward and it confuses me.<br />I agree the voice comes through well, and I also agree that many sentences feel like they don't flow from previous thoughts.Paulnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-86824913547056867802013-01-28T16:44:43.082-05:002013-01-28T16:44:43.082-05:00I felt confused by this query. Try rewriting it in...I felt confused by this query. Try rewriting it in chronological order.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-5904149844923687812013-01-28T16:30:18.591-05:002013-01-28T16:30:18.591-05:00I would be interested in reading how the commander...I would be interested in reading how the commander of this youth army manages to lead and discipline. Character study of how to run a military operation with kids who typically giggle a lot. John C. Updikehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14717474679247050793noreply@blogger.com