tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3883261020622393347..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 312Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81850495282736801052007-07-11T10:07:00.000-04:002007-07-11T10:07:00.000-04:00"The air held energy" reads to me like there's an ..."The air held energy" reads to me like there's an electrical storm coming. In which case, they should stay in the car!nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53112086063326163322007-07-10T20:28:00.000-04:002007-07-10T20:28:00.000-04:00I like the first line, and most of this passage. I...I like the first line, and most of this passage. I was feeling like a little bit more showing rather than telling might be good in the third paragraph. And I did wonder where the POV would eventually wind up or if it would stay in 3rd Omni the whole time. But I thought these things because I was reading for them, which is, of course, a different exercise than reading for fun.<BR/><BR/>Hmm ... the clip art: petroglyphs, pteradactyls. They do share a lot of the same letters, I guess.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-36845357355780751232007-07-10T13:32:00.000-04:002007-07-10T13:32:00.000-04:00I'm going to go against the majority here and say ...I'm going to go against the majority here and say I liked this a lot, pretty much as written. <BR/><BR/>I wasn't quite sure whether to take the energy line literally. I thought it a little odd that Barry didn't seem to know they were cutting it close on closing time. But nothing major.Bonniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07895569211498067204noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-83847572255138951992007-07-10T12:54:00.000-04:002007-07-10T12:54:00.000-04:00I read "Unser Boulevard" and said Hey, Albuquerque...I read "Unser Boulevard" and said Hey, Albuquerque, cool! Robin just made all the suggestions I was going to make, so...what she said.<BR/><BR/>-mbAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75373623286926911902007-07-10T11:26:00.000-04:002007-07-10T11:26:00.000-04:00Hi author,You know, I think this would work well i...Hi author,<BR/><BR/>You know, I think this would work well if it began with the third paragraph, although I'd take out the "puppy" sentence if it were me.<BR/><BR/>I really like the sentence "The air held energy". I think I knoqw what you mean - there are places and times where you feel the air is different. I think inserting this sentence a little later in the beginning would be good.<BR/><BR/>I'm guessing "he needed closer" was gonna be "he needed to be closer".Robin S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/03258459688300851984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25313859545641840672007-07-10T10:49:00.000-04:002007-07-10T10:49:00.000-04:00Great to know thoughts and how the first words str...Great to know thoughts and how the first words struck readers (or missed). <BR/><BR/>Writers are in trouble when they like their own line, and I was partial to "The air held energy." Ain't it the way? <BR/><BR/>Thanks for the comments (and continuation) writtenwyrdd. I lived a mile from that park for a couple years. You must be thinking of another place. Definitely black rocks, no red. No camping. Just a short trail, and all they worry about closing at 5 is the parking lot. <BR/><BR/>Thanks again, all.Bump in the Nighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09437838211195008105noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-41503334811521593122007-07-10T10:21:00.000-04:002007-07-10T10:21:00.000-04:00This feels like unneeded set-up and a geography le...This feels like unneeded set-up and a geography lesson. I suspect you could begin with the actual unexpected event. When in doubt I always fall back on Elmore Leonard's advise: don't explain nothin'!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53801125725114100282007-07-10T09:53:00.000-04:002007-07-10T09:53:00.000-04:00Great continuation!I like anything that starts out...Great continuation!<BR/><BR/>I like anything that starts out with petroglyphs, but the characters did not engage me from the start. There's a good opportunity here to use a spectacular setting, though.Kate Thorntonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16449435177807306686noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-12248288786926380332007-07-10T09:40:00.000-04:002007-07-10T09:40:00.000-04:00"The air held energy" was also a turn off for me. ..."The air held energy" was also a turn off for me. YOu could simply start with "Barry turned west..." and it would work just fine.<BR/><BR/>The prose is smooth and clean, as bernita mentions, but it is very choppy sounding. Have you read this aloud? The rhythm is the same, the sentences all subject-verb-object. Also, we don't have any tension yet, so this is a bit blah. Nice enough writing, just no hook yet. <BR/><BR/>"Rock sketches" was problemmatic for me. Took me a couple of readings to make an educated guess you were referring to petroglyphs. <BR/><BR/>I am not certain, but I think I know the park you speak of, and the rocks are dull gray and that amazing red. Not black. But I couldn't say for certain. However, I am pretty certain that when the gate closes the parking lot, the entire park, including trails, is supposedly off limits without permits to camp.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-7555656940361098292007-07-10T08:47:00.000-04:002007-07-10T08:47:00.000-04:00"The air held energy" does not entice me as an ope..."The air held energy" does not entice me as an opening line.<BR/>I understand you want to get the protagonist's name in up front and set the scene - and your prose is smooth and clean - but, for me, this falls flat.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-27088441839280204432007-07-09T23:55:00.000-04:002007-07-09T23:55:00.000-04:00Anal probe: Larry King interview?Anal probe: Larry King interview?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com