tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3847132618490199063..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 760Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42833674202059746272010-04-28T00:11:18.508-04:002010-04-28T00:11:18.508-04:00Excuse me, I just have to fangirl Joe G for that f...Excuse me, I just have to fangirl Joe G for that first post. I think he's just posted the NYT Bestsellers list for the last several years. Now I don't have to read any of them!batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-87849487488595784112010-04-27T20:24:49.052-04:002010-04-27T20:24:49.052-04:00Go for it, Gutterball. I'd read that book :P I...Go for it, Gutterball. I'd read that book :P I'm hoping Stephen King writes "Scary Town". <br /><br />Enew, that makes SO much more sense. That isn't clear from the query at all.<br /><br />Aren't bodies usually displayed and then cremated?<br /><br />Honestly, I would leave out the open casket entirely... it's just bogging down the query. Say "Jonah arrives in town to investigate the apparent death of Eli so and so," and then you get to the falling in love with the widow and child, she's menaced by a loan shark who Eli owes money to, it turns out Eli is really still alive, both Jonah and Eli vie for her hand in amore, the kid gets kidnapped, one will live, the other will die.<br /><br />Although that last bit is a little soap opera-ish.<br /><br />I wouldn't worry about people making the association with Jonah Hill... he's not that big a celebrity.Joe Gnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82613517052201244132010-04-27T17:21:26.412-04:002010-04-27T17:21:26.412-04:00I didn't get the Jonah Hill reference, but I d...I didn't get the Jonah Hill reference, but I did get a bit caught up on the idiot savant. Way too close of a name unless you're going for that.Stephen Prosapiohttp://www.prosapio.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37421234394346249962010-04-27T16:12:17.276-04:002010-04-27T16:12:17.276-04:00"Two People Fall In Love: Complications Ensue...<i>"Two People Fall In Love: Complications Ensue"</i><br /><br />Joe G, would you be terribly upset if I stole this title? I'm seriously. I could make it work.<br /><br />Priceless!<br /><br />It's like that line in the second Pirates movie where Cap' Jack says, "Complications arose, ensued, were overcome."GutterBallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17943760313844692975noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-29445527969071284102010-04-27T15:29:22.342-04:002010-04-27T15:29:22.342-04:00Hi Joe,
Here's the issue. The casket is empty ...Hi Joe,<br />Here's the issue. The casket is empty because the body was cremated but it is a case of mistaken identity. ID with the wrong body kind of deal, hence why no one knows Eli is alive until midway through the book. The loan shark is the cause of the threats against Maya. Lily is kidnapped by Eli's loan shark who is hoping the ransom will be paid. Hope that clears up some of the storyline issues.Elizabeth Janettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09126364534598960883noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-33041430865494645312010-04-27T14:23:51.875-04:002010-04-27T14:23:51.875-04:00I think I was a bit snarky when I meant to be funn...I think I was a bit snarky when I meant to be funny, I'm sorry about that!<br /><br />Umm, I think just "Hill's Creek" would be a fine title. You might want to avoid titles that thematically state things like, "My book, Nothing Is What It Seems, is a mystery wherein nothing is..." etc. unless your title phrasing is a little more poetical.<br /><br />Like... "'Salem's Lot" isn't called "Town Full of Vampires", or "Scary Town", it's called "'Salem's Lot". <br /><br />Although I wouldn't put it past Stephen King to write a book called "Scary Town".<br /><br />"The Empty Casket" has sort of a 50s noir feel about it, which is cool but maybe the wrong impression.<br /><br />Also that first sentence throws me for a loop. I forgot to mention this. You say "Empty casket funeral" as if that's a thing (is it?). Use your powers of narration to tell us how so and so goes to a funeral but there's NO BODY IN THE CASKET!!! It's a hook.<br /><br />I think you could focus more on the mystery/plot and less on who will win Maya's love. You say at one point that Maya is possibly untrustworthy but the rest of the query establishes that she's trustworthy. If Eli kidnaps the little girl, clearly he won't be winning Maya's love. I'm going to go out on a limb like EE and assume the hero lives to the end, so he probably wins Maya's love. You probably don't need to set up questions that answer themselves in the query. Just be straightforward about what happens. You actually did a good job of being fairly straightforward the first time, it's just a matter of what details you pick to include.<br /><br />$50,000 isn't really THAT much money...<br /><br />Last, there's not much mystery in a story where a guy is supposed to be dead but when they look in the casket, there's no body. He's alive, everybody knows it, that's why Jonah comes to town.Joe Gnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-79738708628487636192010-04-27T13:40:10.543-04:002010-04-27T13:40:10.543-04:00Maybe Empty Casket would work.
This is a hard one...Maybe Empty Casket would work.<br /><br />This is a hard one for me to critique. It feels a bit overdramatic at times, like it's meant to be read aloud by someone with a deep, foreboding voice. Could you soften that a bit, maybe by cutting the absolutes and making things more specific. What exactly is the impending danger, anyway?_*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-19155023477763360452010-04-27T00:39:13.827-04:002010-04-27T00:39:13.827-04:00Hill's Creek Blues
Eli's Comin'
Empt...Hill's Creek Blues<br /><br />Eli's Comin'<br /><br />Empty CasketEvil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17404983593387862242010-04-26T23:52:25.574-04:002010-04-26T23:52:25.574-04:00Hi...Author here. Thanks for all the comments. You...Hi...Author here. Thanks for all the comments. You complaints about my title and character names are duly noted. My title sucks but I'm at a loss for anything else. Any suggestions? I'll revise my query letter to make Jonah seem less creepy. Thanks again!Elizabeth Janettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09126364534598960883noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18465901290952987212010-04-26T23:26:04.270-04:002010-04-26T23:26:04.270-04:00Hi Author,
I did a quick version.
The memorial se...Hi Author,<br />I did a quick version.<br /><br />The memorial service puts an odd assortment of people together wondering what happened to the corpse. The lives of the relieved widow, her grieving child and the rogue FBI agent entwine as secrets are found out in Hill's Creek, Texas.<br /><br />Agent Jonah White wants to track down Eli Savant, con artist-turned-killer, and the fifty thousand dollars he stole. Maya, Eli’s widow, tumbles into Jonah's heart making it tough for him to decide if she is on the level or an accomplice.<br /><br />Their budding romance and Jonah’s investigation are threatened when he's implicated in a murder. Maya gets a strange warning from an acquaintance that doesn't make any sense to her. Eli surfaces, alive, and events spiral out of control: Jonah’s hidden agenda is exposed and Maya's five year old is abducted.<br /><br />To win Maya’s love and find Lily Jonah is forced to trust Eli, the man responsible for everything. Nothing is what it seems in Hill's Creek.<br /><br />I'm not wild about the names either.<br />Best,<br />Bibi<br /><br />PS I think I get the worst query letter of the world award - so use at your own risk. <br /><br />--BibiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75408114996359713732010-04-26T23:00:18.019-04:002010-04-26T23:00:18.019-04:00I don't really have anything to add to the cri...I don't really have anything to add to the critique except that you could sharpen up the writing a bit, but I think you do have a naming problem. I can picture the sequels now...<br /><br />"He Dies At the End"<br /><br />"Suburban Families Have Problems Too"<br /><br />"War is Unpleasant"<br /><br />"The Murderer Isn't One of the Guests, It's One of the Crewmembers"<br /><br />"They All Live in a Snowglobe"<br /><br />"It's Hard To Be a Middle-class White Male"<br /><br />"Two People Fall In Love: Complications Ensue"<br /><br />"Young People Do Drugs and Have Sex"<br /><br />"People Get Chased, Shot At"<br /><br />"Sometimes People of Different Races Get Along Poorly"<br /><br />and who could forget<br /><br />"Her Mother Who Disapproved Of Their Relationship Was Keeping the Letters Her True Love Who Was Away Fighting The Great War Had Sent Her a Secret, and The Heroine Almost Married The Wrong Man, But Luckily, She Found Out Just In Time"Joe Gnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4083770441942154802010-04-26T22:09:20.557-04:002010-04-26T22:09:20.557-04:00Jonah falls in love with Maya, who may be a con-ar...Jonah falls in love with Maya, who may be a con-artist-turned-murderess. Hmm. I hope it takes more than one page in the book for this to occur.Tom Bridgelandhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13098048586042365606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24996230530219011832010-04-26T14:53:29.271-04:002010-04-26T14:53:29.271-04:00I would leave off the loan shark.
You may want t...I would leave off the loan shark. <br /><br />You may want to consider - <br /><br />Small towns have a penchant for breeding secrets but in Hill Creek some secrets are worth killing for.<br /><br />Or <br /><br />The lives of a relieved widow, a grieving child and a rogue FBI agent become desperately entwined over the casket of man who isn't dead as secrets unfold in the novel Nothing Is What It Seems.<br /><br />or something like that<br /><br />I think you have two tag lines here - is my point. <br /><br />I agree this sounds wrong. . "One look in Maya’s eyes and one impish smile from her 5-year-old daughter, Lily, and a smitten Jonah is willing to do anything to gain her trust."<br /><br />Jonah's determination/plot/strategy/hunt/sinister roguish idealism/whatever he is doin is shaken when he sees Maya for the first time and falls hoplessly in love. <br /><br />would work just as well without making Jonah sound like we need to keep our kids away from him and solve the "willing to do anything to gain her trust" problem. <br /><br />just a few worthless pieces of copper.vkwnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-45328160030066024902010-04-26T11:35:10.134-04:002010-04-26T11:35:10.134-04:00...That the vengeful rogue cop falls in love with ......That the vengeful rogue cop falls in love with the impish smile of a five-year old makes me think the cop should go on some kind of state sponsored paedo quashing program.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59438573149189723262010-04-26T11:02:54.291-04:002010-04-26T11:02:54.291-04:00When I saw Hill's Creek and then saw the name ...When I saw Hill's Creek and then saw the name Jonah I pictured your MC as Jonah Hill. I had trouble taking the query seriously from then on.<br /><br />I'm not joking here. I pictured him awkwardly shuffling his feet and mumbling as he tried explain why there was no body in the casket.<br /><br />Of course, with Jonah Hill present I automatically envisioned Michael Cera as Eli Savant. And the name Eli Savant has it's own problems because it reminds me of idiot savant so now I see Michael Cera trying to pull off an academy award winning role as a genius with mental disability.<br /><br />So...maybe you should leave out the name of the town?Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07681932402948885690noreply@blogger.com