tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3813747392928134866..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 729Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger33125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-41138111174619562842010-04-01T19:45:49.675-04:002010-04-01T19:45:49.675-04:00Agreeing with Jeb, here. This emphasis on the high...Agreeing with Jeb, here. This emphasis on the highest law just makes me think, meh, Village knock-off. Not to mention raising the question why Jesse would think the answer lies outside the vill--whoops--town walls anyways?batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81388775983440925292010-03-31T13:11:56.925-04:002010-03-31T13:11:56.925-04:00While version 4 is significantly improved over its...While version 4 is significantly improved over its predecessors, Phoenix's take is clearer still.<br /><br />Also, author, you are still clinging to a line that has bugged me from the first incarnation: break the highest law. You may be trying to give a sense of the community's deliberate isolation and distrust of the outside world, but this phrase doesn't give any information and is, in fact, a distraction.Jebnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42412970359785045162010-03-31T10:38:07.337-04:002010-03-31T10:38:07.337-04:00Hi Heather: So I have to ask: Is robot the best te...Hi Heather: So I have to ask: Is robot the best term here? Perhaps android would be better? Or coin something that indicates an organic nature to the robots? Otherwise, I'm wondering how a town could miss at least two kids showing up looking like 13 year olds and 13 years later they're still looking 13 years old. I'm assuming these kids age and change, which 'robots' wouldn't as 'robots' is such an all-inclusive term it could mean, say, a toaster oven. (And sorry, I just can't get the Buffy-bot out of my head when thinking about humanoid robots.)<br /><br />I feel like there's still some important motivation missing from the query. I started to do a rewrite because it's usually easier for me to show what I mean, but I realized that I'm still not clear as to Jesse's motivations. Maybe what I did get down get will help you think about how to embed that motivation without adding more words to the query.<br /><br /><i>In thirteen-year-old Jesse’s hometown, everyone knows robotic technology was [lost/abandoned/outlawed] soon after the apocalypse. Then a post-mortem reveals that a seemingly human girl was actually [an android]. Fearing [another rise of the machines], Jesse’s community initiates lockdown and begins a widespread hunt for other humanoid robots.<br /><br />Having known the dead girl, Jesse can't believe she was anything but human. Even Forest, a strange boy Jesse meets outside the town's protective walls, thinks the current paranoia is [misplaced/overblown]. Sharing that belief, the two make a pact [to discover the truth.]<br /><br />The boys' friendship is jeopardized, though, when the mysterious Dr. Frey arrives. Jesse's instinctive distrust of the man is borne out when the doctor reveals that he's a scientist specializing in the creation of humanoid robots -- and that Jesse himself is one of his creations. But it isn't Jesse he's come back for. Dr. Frey claims Forest possesses a dangerous power that must be destroyed -- and he plans to [use/sacrifice] Jesse to do it. <br /><br />At 50,000 words, FOREST is middle-grade science fiction focused on friendship and the inner humanity shared by all beings, even living machines. Thank you for considering my completed novel.</i>Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-64141822475474449642010-03-31T09:05:55.988-04:002010-03-31T09:05:55.988-04:00I'm still confused.
1. Why is the whole town ...I'm still confused.<br /><br />1. Why is the whole town afraid of robots? Was Georgette an "evil" little girl?<br /><br />2. Why doesn't Jesse believe the coroner's report? Is he just being a thick-headed child?<br /><br />3. Why does Forest make friends with Jesse if he knows he is a danger to Jesse?<br /><br />4. How can Frey "prove" he is Jesse's "father" if Jesse is a robot?<br /><br />5. What exactly is it about Forest that is so important or dangerous?<br /><br />6. Most importantly, what is Jesse's story? Is it about learning his own true identity? Is it about saving his friend? Is it about saving his town?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30623782053090267122010-03-30T21:00:38.081-04:002010-03-30T21:00:38.081-04:00Wow, that is an improvement.
I wonder how humano...Wow, that is an improvement. <br /><br />I wonder how humanoid these robots are. Didn't any of them ever fall down and scrape their knees? They must bleed, get tummy aches, grow bigger over time etc.Tom Brihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04060853636635433357noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-70979609508193872742010-03-30T15:39:36.246-04:002010-03-30T15:39:36.246-04:00All right, here's v4, ready for shredding!
~Au...All right, here's v4, ready for shredding!<br />~Author<br /><br />Dear Editor,<br /><br />In thirteen-year-old Jesse’s hometown on post-apocalyptic Earth, everyone knows that robotic technology no longer exists. Then a post-mortem reveals that a seemingly human girl was actually a humanoid machine. Jesse’s paranoid community initiates lockdown and begins a widespread hunt for other robots.<br /><br />As a friend of the dead girl, Jesse doesn’t believe the results, but no one will listen to him. Rebelling, he breaks the highest law and ventures beyond the community’s protective walls, where he meets a strange boy named Forest. Though both are suspicious at first, the two slowly become friends, until Forest surprises Jesse by insisting their friendship is dangerous to continue, without explaining why.<br /><br />Then Dr. Frey arrives, bearing proof that he is Jesse’s real father, and Jesse feels betrayed yet again. He refuses to cooperate with the doctor, but is unprepared for the next truth Dr. Frey reveals – the doctor is a scientist specializing in the creation of humanoid robots, including Jesse himself. This shocking revelation is followed by another even worse. Dr Frey wants to use his creation to lure out Forest, who he claims possesses a dangerous power which must be destroyed.<br /><br />At 50,000 words, Forest is middle-grade science fiction focused on friendship and the inner humanity shared by all beings, even machines. Thank you for your consideration of my novel.<br /><br />Sincerely,Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-60642260524817826612010-03-13T22:23:13.847-05:002010-03-13T22:23:13.847-05:00Phoenix is right--you're getting there. I also...Phoenix is right--you're getting there. I also agree with Ellie about putting Jesse up front (I like her revision), and Matthew about some points you could do without.<br /><br />There are some typos in here. If this is going to be your final (or nearly final) draft, make sure you double-check it for them._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-12408939447300124432010-03-12T14:55:40.684-05:002010-03-12T14:55:40.684-05:00I agree with Phoenix completely.
I'll also a...I agree with Phoenix completely. <br /><br />I'll also add that I don't know that "post-mortem" and middle-school book pitch really go together.<br /><br />Also that opening line still doesn't work and I don't think is even gramatically correct.<br /><br />"On post-apocalyptic Earth, most think robotic technology no longer exist."<br /><br />technologies exist or technology exists?<br /><br />most think? most what? It's like you're specifically writing the query now to people who've already read the previous queries and that's not going to work. You need to do this with a fresh mind and a fresh eye. Put this aside for a while, work on something else and come back to it in a month. Maybe somewhere along the way you'll have an epiphany on how to better tell/sell the story you've written.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-47762804135442924632010-03-12T10:14:01.597-05:002010-03-12T10:14:01.597-05:00It starts out nicely, but drags on with too much i...It starts out nicely, but drags on with too much info. I think it would be really good if it were one paragraph shorter.<br /><br />I agree with Phoenix that the inclusion of the parents is largely unnecessary, and I don't think the robot girl needs to be mentioned beyond the opening paragraph.Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07681932402948885690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-69641430352491356802010-03-12T09:35:05.144-05:002010-03-12T09:35:05.144-05:00Hi Heather! I just went through 5 revisions of my ...Hi Heather! I just went through 5 revisions of my query, and this one of yours shows all the hallmarks of a Version 3. <br /><br />To recap my experience, here are Phoenix's 5 stages of query writing:<br /><br />Version 1: It might need a little tweaking but it can't be that bad. (Oh, but it is.)<br /><br />Version 2: Ouch. But OK, I've cleaned up the stuff readers had issues with and it really is better. (Uh-oh, new issues have been introduced.)<br /><br />Version 3: OK, I am going to meticulously answer every reader's concern and concentrate on exactly that and nothing else because, frankly, I'm getting pretty frustrated over all of this. (Only now, the query has lost its voice and, somewhere, the story's tight plot and style.)<br /><br />Version 4: Ah, now I see that I can leave out some of those problematic issues completely and the query experience for the reader will actually be improved. Less really IS more. (And it is. Often, V4 is a complete re-envisioning of the query, with a cleaner feel and fewer plot points.)<br /><br />Version 5: Gah, how could I have misspelled THAT and not seen it until now? (Final grammar check, but it's now ready for submission.)<br /><br />This version seems to start out well, but then gets a bit lost in the middle. You're cram-jamming stuff in to cover every base (yes, one commenter asked where the parents are, but IMO they don't need to be brought up unless they're integral to the plot since kids with parents who are just about completely out of the picture is a convention of MG -- we need Jesse's reaction and Jesse's POV here, I think).<br /><br />One step back out of the weeds and you'll be just about there.Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-88882760433842992232010-03-12T09:15:42.869-05:002010-03-12T09:15:42.869-05:00I think your structure and amount of info is reall...I think your structure and amount of info is really strong! My two suggestions would be to put Jesse in p1, and tighten up some of the wordiness.<br /><br />For example:<br /><br /><i>In thirteen-year-old Jesse's hometown on post-apocalyptic Earth, everyone knows that robotic technology no longer exists. Then a post-mortem reveals that a seemingly human girl was actually a humanoid machine. Jesse's paranoid community initiates lockdown and begins a widespread hunt for other robots.<br /><br />As a friend of the dead girl, Jesse doesn't believe the results, but no one will listen to him. Rebelling, he breaks the highest law ...</i><br /><br />I think it's getting quite close, though. Good job!Elliehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10592356672960746162noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-78757441278776511402010-03-12T08:26:08.416-05:002010-03-12T08:26:08.416-05:00All right, revision number three is done. Do your ...All right, revision number three is done. Do your worst, minions.<br /><br />Dear Editor,<br /><br />On post-apocalyptic Earth, most think robotic technology no longer exist. When a post-mortem reveals that a girl had been a humanoid machine so advanced the distinction between it and a normal person was almost non-existent, the paranoid community initiates lockdown, then goes on a wide-spread hunt for other robots.<br /><br />Jesse, a friend of the dead girl, doesn’t believe the examination’s results, but no one will listen to a grieving thirteen-year-old child. In an act of rebellion he breaks the highest law and ventures beyond the community’s protective walls, where he meets Forest, a strange boy who shows interest in the community’s recent discovery. Though suspicious at first, Jesse expresses his doubts about the investigation, and Forest’s clear sympathy leads to them becoming friends.<br /><br />Jesse thinks his only problem his keeping his trips to the outside a secret, but then Dr. Frey turns up on Jesse’s doorstep, claiming to be his father. Jesse’s apologetic parents admit they kept the adoption secret, but Jesse feels betrayed. Even Forest changes overnight, insisting that things have become too dangerous for their friendship to continue, though he won’t explain why.<br /><br />Dr. Frey begins asking questions about Jesse’s friends, especially the dead girl, but Jesse refuses to cooperate, forcing the doctor to reveal the truth. He is a scientist whose specialty involves the creation of humanoid robots, including the dead girl...and Jesse. This shocking revelation is followed by another even worse – Dr. Frey wants to use his creation to lure out Forest, who he claims possesses a dangerous power which must be destroyed.<br /><br />At 50,000 words, Forest is middle-grade science fiction focused on friendship and the inner humanity shared by all beings, even machines. Thank you for your consideration of my novel.<br /><br />Sincerely,Authornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-19335144874830208542010-03-02T05:16:17.320-05:002010-03-02T05:16:17.320-05:00On post-apocalyptic Earth (not another apocalypse,...On post-apocalyptic Earth (not another apocalypse, please... I see so many novels start like this...) no technology exists that could create a crude robot, much less one that looks and acts like a human being, yet an investigation reveals a dead girl was exactly that, a humanoid robot. (that's so obvious- "it can't be done, but wow- look-it was!) Despite this, (despite what? this is not clear) concern for the girl’s grief-stricken brother (you mention this brother several times, but you never mention his name) leads their mutual friend Jesse to break the highest law – he enters the forest that lies behind the community’s protective walls, and meets Forest (maybe you need to change this kid's name?), a strange boy who seems more than a little interested in the discovered robot.<br /><br />When a man known as Dr. Frey shows up and claims to be Jesse’s father, then starts asking questions about the robot, Jesse becomes suspicious. (where are jesse's parents? why would they allow him to be questioned and harrassed by a stranger? what do jesses parents think about jesse suddenly not being their son- do they know?) Not trusting the doctor, he refuses to cooperate, even when his friends are threatened, (that's a big ask for a small child, isn't it? "hey little boy, I'm going to kill your friends if you don't answer my questions"- how many small children do you know who would not feel threatened by a scary adult threatening to kill his friends? why doesn't jesse tell an adult about the scary man wanting to harm his friends?)and Dr. Frey is forced to reveal the truth – (dr frey is forced, by a small child, into revealing his big secret? seriously?) he is a scientist whose specialty involves the creation of humanoid robots, including the dead girl and Jesse. Yet they are not what he is after. Though Jesse’s not sure why, Forest is the one in real danger, and despite his creator’s wishes, Jesse won’t let his friend be captured without a fight, even if it means his own termination.<br />(manybe you need to do some research- try Kolberg and moral development in children...most adults do not have this sophisticated level of reasonaing ability- never mind small children)<br />At 50,000 words, Forest is a middle-grade science fiction focused on friendship and the inner humanity shared by all beings, even machines (can machines have humanity?). Thank you for your consideration of my novel.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-79545374951818913912010-03-01T18:28:16.657-05:002010-03-01T18:28:16.657-05:00I glazed over both times but that could be me. Ope...I glazed over both times but that could be me. Opening line needs work = agree with coments. Can a dead girl be a robot or a robot be a dead girl? I write rotten queries - so as a well experienced rotten query writer, for what it is worth, can you show us what mc's challenge is/what decisions/choices are faced and the consquences? In 3 paragraphs?<br />I know you know what's going on - can you take another run at it like a commercial? A 30 second radio commercial gives you 6 lines of copy. And you need a 10 second tag. Once you bare bone it, then you can flesh it out a touch. <br />Sell us your story. Why is the mc special? What is in your query that makes me want to buy the book?<br />Good luck. Overall, I think it would be easier to start with the query then write the ms. Look forward to next revision. BibiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-302849432788895332010-03-01T15:48:28.626-05:002010-03-01T15:48:28.626-05:00Ahhhh. Much cleaner and clearer. Now to refine and...Ahhhh. Much cleaner and clearer. Now to refine and focus.<br /><br />1. I like the way you open the query but that first line is a mouthful. If this is middle grade especially your pitch should go from point to point in easy to understand statements. Post apoclypse. No technology to build robots. Certainly not human robots. Investigation to dead girl. She's a robot! You have all that in ONE sentence.<br /><br />2. Your next sentence is even more confusing. Why is Jesse being made "their mutual friend" as though the brother and dead girl are more important. And concern for the brother of a dead friend typically isn't motivation enough to break the nations highest law. <br /><br />Try something like: When Jesse, one of the dead girl's friends, doesn't trust the investigation's results, he breaks the highest law and...<br /><br />The brother just confuses thing there. Is he important?<br /><br />3. Dr. Fry "shows up" - where? In the forest? If so wouldn't there be consequences?<br /><br />4. Claims to be Jesse's father -- WHOA. That's kind of a big thing eh? But then in the same sentence you go in a totally different direction.<br /><br />Dry Fry: "Jesse, I am your father!"<br />Jesse: "Wow. Okay. Give me a second to digest that."<br />Dry Fry: "No. Tell tell me about this robot."<br /><br />4. Though Jesse’s not sure why, Forest is the one in real danger,<br /><br />That makes no sense as written. Furthermore it gives us no clue as to what *kind* of danger.<br /><br />Jesse: "Hey Forrest, I don't how I know this, but you're in danger."<br />Forrest: "Grave danger?"<br />Jesse: "Is there any other kind?"<br /><br />50,000 words isn't a lot of time to go through a complex story like this and getting to that "thing behind the thing" is important...especially in a brief synopsis.Stephen Prosapiohttp://www.prosapio.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-11824251457257586272010-03-01T12:10:25.782-05:002010-03-01T12:10:25.782-05:00Ah ha! I knew someone had to be pulling your strin...Ah ha! I knew someone had to be pulling your strings, EE.<br /><br />Heather: This version is much clearer. I agree with jrl that the query seems to gloss over the parts about Jesse discovering his long-lost dad and that he's a robot, too. Also, I'm not clear why Jesse has to break a law and go into the forest -- that doesn't seem to follow as a consequence of the first sentence. <br /><br />All in all, though, a much cleaner version!Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68906206237156035252010-03-01T11:55:05.681-05:002010-03-01T11:55:05.681-05:00I was 42 when I discovered I was a marionette, so ...I was 42 when I discovered I was a marionette, so it's not so far-fetched.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-40283372361438609022010-03-01T11:43:51.276-05:002010-03-01T11:43:51.276-05:00In the first paragraph, you said "Despite thi...In the first paragraph, you said "Despite this, concern..." What is the 'this' to which you refer. I'm not quite clear on your meaning.<br /><br />How did Jesse not know he's a robot? Wouldn't there be tip offs, such as not being able to eat food, the lack of a pulse, and the need for some sort of scheduled maintenance?Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30277201575117141212010-03-01T09:53:26.357-05:002010-03-01T09:53:26.357-05:00Also, going into the forest and encountering Fores...Also, going into the forest and encountering Forest is a bit cutesy.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89413644239248683812010-03-01T09:49:21.873-05:002010-03-01T09:49:21.873-05:00Heather, the query is a bit more coherent, but I&#...Heather, the query is a bit more coherent, but I'm having trouble caring about or understanding your hero. <br /><br />Jesse breaks the law (!) to go looking for his grief-stricken friend and instead meets rogue moppet Forest.<br /><br />A stranger arrives, claims to be Jesse's father (!), and reveals that Jesse is a robot (!). <br /><br />Jesse apparently is okay with being a robot and meeting his long-lost dad. Instead, he is mostly concerned with saving Forest, a kid he just met five minutes ago?<br /><br />Shouldn't Jesse be coping with meeting Dad and being a robot?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89331046399618111322010-03-01T09:46:02.727-05:002010-03-01T09:46:02.727-05:00You need an ellipsis here:
he is a scientist whos...You need an ellipsis here:<br /><br />he is a scientist whose specialty involves the creation of humanoid robots, including the dead girl . . . and Jesse. <br /><br />This stresses the revelation that Jesse's a robot, which is cool, especially if Jesse didn't know it.<br /><br /><br />You don't need the word "a" in the last paragraph.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-54430120309379627302010-03-01T07:39:14.784-05:002010-03-01T07:39:14.784-05:00Thanks for the help, EE, and for the comments, eve...<i><b>Thanks for the help, EE, and for the comments, everyone. Revised my query and I hope it's in better shape. Bring on the Criticism!</b><br />P.S. @'Rachel' - If you read this, wanted to let you know that I'd never heard of D.A.R.Y.L., but it sounds like a good movie. I'll be looking out for it.</i><br /><br /><br />Dear Evil Editor,<br /><br />On post-apocalyptic Earth, no technology exists that could create a crude robot, much less one that looks and acts like a human being, yet an investigation reveals a dead girl was exactly that, a humanoid robot. Despite this, concern for the girl’s grief-stricken brother leads their mutual friend Jesse to break the highest law – he enters the forest that lies behind the community’s protective walls, and meets Forest, a strange boy who seems more than a little interested in the discovered robot.<br /><br />When a man known as Dr. Frey shows up and claims to be Jesse’s father, then starts asking questions about the robot, Jesse becomes suspicious. Not trusting the doctor, he refuses to cooperate, even when his friends are threatened, and Dr. Frey is forced to reveal the truth – he is a scientist whose specialty involves the creation of humanoid robots, including the dead girl and Jesse. Yet they are not what he is after. Though Jesse’s not sure why, Forest is the one in real danger, and despite his creator’s wishes, Jesse won’t let his friend be captured without a fight, even if it means his own termination.<br /><br />At 50,000 words, Forest is a middle-grade science fiction focused on friendship and the inner humanity shared by all beings, even machines. Thank you for your consideration of my novel.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />Heather HaydenAuthornoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53444719237590065912010-02-13T16:17:28.508-05:002010-02-13T16:17:28.508-05:00WV is meldx - this query is melded with a synopsis...WV is meldx - this query is melded with a synopsis, to make X the unknown.<br />Too much extraneous detail makes this read like 'this happened, then that happened, then another thing happened', like a young child telling you about the movie he saw.<br />It looks as if there's a fun story behind all the detail, but you need to prune back to show the main storyline. Can you translate it to 'this happened, and that's why that happened, which caused a third thing to happen?' Or better yet, 'Jesse did this, which resulted in that, so he did another thing, which...'batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-86771809702988438702010-02-11T12:03:58.844-05:002010-02-11T12:03:58.844-05:00I have to agree wtih EE that the title is just too...I have to agree wtih EE that the title is just too much like Finding Forrester, a good movie but not what you want to be associated with.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-54885867002219574852010-02-11T01:57:35.329-05:002010-02-11T01:57:35.329-05:00What are the core conflicts? Narrow your thought p...What are the core conflicts? Narrow your thought process down to the major conflicts for your first, second and third acts and explain them (without giving a full synopsis - that is what the synopsis is for). <br /><br />Still, it sounds like an interesting story idea.Taylor Mathewshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01856398475613148216noreply@blogger.com