tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3708929301513036147..comments2024-03-18T13:32:44.865-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 986Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger13125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77831045658990884002012-02-02T12:26:10.107-05:002012-02-02T12:26:10.107-05:00Ah, then this isn't a police procedural. It so...Ah, then this isn't a police procedural. It sounds more like this is an ongoing war between the Awakened and the mortals, and a romance between people on the opposing sides.<br /><br />Is there a reason no one's talked to mortals before? Because it seems a pretty obvious approach - people have been negotiating, even in war, for millennia. I'm not saying this can't be the case, but I'd guess there's a major reason for it, in which case, the new recruit saying, Why not just talk to him? should get more resistance from the Sarge. "We don't talk to them, never have, no point, they just kill us" or something like that?<br /><br />But if this is first draft, I wouldn't worry about it now, I'd keep on with the story. You'll probably completely re-write the opening once you get through the first draft. Good luck - I think this could be fun.Laurienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68946300433026649862012-02-01T21:42:42.425-05:002012-02-01T21:42:42.425-05:00Author here.
Thank you all for the advice & i...Author here.<br /><br />Thank you all for the advice & input. Like I said in the other thread, this is the very first rough draft of this idea; I wanted to get some advice from the minions about whether or not it's worth continuing.<br /><br />Sharmayne works for the agency that mediates human/undead encounters. In this case she's investigating a farm where the ghost owner is demanding that he get help taking his home back. The new owner, as you might expect, isn't thrilled about having some undead attack him in the barn, or having an aggressive ghost in the kitchen. Sharmayne's 'new age' approach of talking before attacking is therefore somewhat revolutionary. <br /><br />This investigation seems simple enough, but as it unfolds it drags more of Sharmayne's friends--and Stanton--into danger from the enraged ghosts.<br /><br />Awakened killed in the human world stay dead. If killed in Darkmoon City, they can be revived--but then they lose their memory.Khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-22519094280423209922012-02-01T20:47:51.551-05:002012-02-01T20:47:51.551-05:00Bear in mind, you're probably only thinking &q...Bear in mind, you're probably only thinking "Bat and Switch" because you read the opening first.<br /><br />An agent/editor would read the query first and know what genre to expect. A book buyer would know from the location in the store and the blurb on the back.<br /><br />So it would only be "Bait and Switch" if it was described as a romance and nobody kissed.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-40617785137272350732012-02-01T19:52:32.432-05:002012-02-01T19:52:32.432-05:00Laurie, when I saw that we had both used the phras...Laurie, when I saw that we had both used the phrases "bait and switch" and "police procedural", I thought someone was going to accuse us of being sock puppets.<br /><br />Anyway, K-k, you heard it here first, second and third... be true to thy genre. Personally I think the police procedural would be way more interesting but there's probably more market for zombie luv.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48066335655375192462012-02-01T15:38:40.850-05:002012-02-01T15:38:40.850-05:00@AlaskaRavenclaw - looks like I cross-posted with ...@AlaskaRavenclaw - looks like I cross-posted with you; otherwise I'd have said I second what you said.Laurienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-9663971026497105692012-02-01T15:14:05.445-05:002012-02-01T15:14:05.445-05:00Agree with all that's been said - I'd need...Agree with all that's been said - I'd need more about the actual story. Your opening sounded more like a mystery, with the five dead agents, and that's heavy enough that I'd expect it to be mentioned in the query. If it's a romance, I'm not qualified to comment (not a romance fan), but, as said above, I don't see any conflict other than having to choose between two guys. <br /><br />Be careful about the bait and switch - drawing people in with the promise of a crime story, with romantic elements, and having it turn into a pure romance half way through. Your opening does not say romance to me, it says police procedural - so you interested me, but you might turn off the romance people who would be your audience.Laurienoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-66284889637860369352012-02-01T14:44:01.678-05:002012-02-01T14:44:01.678-05:00From the opening, I had thought this was a zombie/...From the opening, I had thought this was a zombie/police procedural. But if it's a zombie/romance, that's a little bait-and-switchy. If your main focus is the mystery and the romance is incidental, that's okay: plenty of novels have a romance element without being romances.<br /><br />Just make sure your query focus, story focus, and genre all match.<br /><br />Since no one else brought this up-- I would like to see more voice in this query. The <i>title</i> has voice, and suggests humor or at least a humorous tone. It's nearly impossible to be (intentionally) humorous in a query, but a bit more voice could do a lot for you. <br /><br />It also looks like you need to try that old trick of reducing your novel to a single sentence, no more than 20 words long. Then build the query from there.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1998968674178881302012-02-01T12:54:37.764-05:002012-02-01T12:54:37.764-05:00Sounds like you start this as a twisted zombie mys...Sounds like you start this as a twisted zombie mystery adventure thriller but then the main character's motivation shifts from her dangerous mission to solve the mystery to having a girlish crush on this dude. I'm not sure that works.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77908288519712259182012-02-01T12:25:51.533-05:002012-02-01T12:25:51.533-05:00If this is a fantasy romance, your query needs to ...If this is a fantasy romance, your query needs to focus on the romance, not the mystery or the MC's random friends. The investigation into the farm is the McGuffin that gets her to the hottie and allows the romance to start. Start over and focus on the romance. <br /><br />It sounds like it could be a good story.<br />Nancy aka kings_falconAnonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12237518808756712176noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-11619468848532834952012-02-01T12:00:31.478-05:002012-02-01T12:00:31.478-05:00Like I said in the comment trail of the previous p...Like I said in the comment trail of the previous post, I'm having real trouble with the intersection/relationship of the undead world and the human world. Is this Stanton guy underground? Or do the undead claim some of the land that's topside, too? <br /><br />If they claim rights to haunt all the land that somebody now dead once owned, you must have several cases of ghost vs. ghost. <br /><br />And also as I said before, however much I like the idea and the set up (and I do) I don't know what's at stake, other than presumably someone's romantic feelings getting hurt. Tell me more!Mother (Re)produces.https://www.blogger.com/profile/07685333905652373606noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52379556176228141112012-02-01T11:35:57.963-05:002012-02-01T11:35:57.963-05:00Sounds interesting, but take EE's advice. Like...Sounds interesting, but take EE's advice. Like Aika, I didn't think the conflict sounded very complex.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62214427171783108792012-02-01T10:37:08.317-05:002012-02-01T10:37:08.317-05:00According to Wikipedia "Undead" is a col...According to Wikipedia "Undead" is a collective name for fictional, mythological, or legendary beings that are deceased and yet behave as if alive. Undead may be incorporeal, such as ghosts, or corporeal, such as vampires and zombies. <br /><br />Thus calling the Awakened undead doesn't clear up any confusion. The sentence: "As an Awakened, she has no memory of her former life as a human." performs the same task as calling her undead.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89608586033315286882012-02-01T10:16:05.324-05:002012-02-01T10:16:05.324-05:00I like this because the story sounds interesting, ...I like this because the story sounds interesting, from the pov of the undead person. <br /><br />In the second para, you seem to lose that pov. Wouldn't the Awakened consider the place "haunted" by Stanton? I'd expect it to read more like: Yes, the place has a current human resident, the distractingly handsome Mark Stanton. But Stanton has every right to be there and the ghost of the late owner isn't actually being encroached on.<br /><br />(Also, I don't see the complication - if Stanton has the right of possession, what's the other side of the story?)<br /><br />I disagree with EE about defining Awakened - if you didn't, we'd be confused. In the book, of course, you can let it unfold naturally. But I do agree about putting in more plot.<br /><br />(Love the title too, but I adore puns, mostly 'cos I can't make them for beans.)Aikanoreply@blogger.com