tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3420128777397894152..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1324Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-29415135221885974582016-08-12T13:13:46.137-04:002016-08-12T13:13:46.137-04:00Author says:
Currently banging my head against th...Author says:<br /><br />Currently banging my head against the keyboard. Repeatedly. <br />Maybe I'll have better luck with this tortuous endeavor. <br />Thanks for all your comments and insights. <br />It's back to the drawing board for me, the masochist. <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-9553278462417059502016-08-11T20:17:41.609-04:002016-08-11T20:17:41.609-04:00“traveling across the dessert” LOL
“to the capit...“traveling across the dessert” LOL<br /> “to the capital where she plans to petition city officials for amnesty...” I think city officials are more for building violations. Couldn't you use a title, like “petition the Grand Vizier”?<br /> “militant squad of men...” You mean a battalion? Or a militia? Precise words exist so we don't have to describe everything using long phrases. <br /><br />“further discussion is interrupted...” No, current discussion is interrupted. Further discussion never happens.<br /> “She awakens, recovered, in the stronghold of the northerners...” Does this group have a name? Are they still arguing over what to call themselves? <br /><br />How did a seventeen year old princess acquire the skills needed to be a bodyguard? Why would anyone mistake a teenage princess for a large, beefy caravan guard? Part of being a guard is that you look so intimidating nobody even tries to do anything wrong.<br /><br />There is no plot. Things happen in a sequence. That's all. <br /><br />You need to stop and think: What is the most likely thing to happen right now? How would a teen princess think? She will behave according to the way she thinks. How would a militia leader think and behave? What is his primary goal? What is hers? What motivates insects? Food and mating opportunities, mostly. Also, what has to happen here to get my character to the next plot point, and does it seem natural and logical? <br />St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-38548767107172188922016-08-09T17:35:06.251-04:002016-08-09T17:35:06.251-04:00If her fiance killed her father and her brother th...If her fiance killed her father and her brother the took the throne, he would have a vested interest in making the marriage happen. Once she's in love with Anthony, she has to convince him that staying on her good side and killing her brother will make him king with her as queen. Maybe they can connect with the gold bugs and get them to do the killing, while Rajani and Anthony come in, 'remove' them, and become queen and king. khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53584890179928346202016-08-09T15:06:33.754-04:002016-08-09T15:06:33.754-04:00I don't think you need that first paragraph ab...I don't think you need that first paragraph about the arranged marriage. The first part of the story can be summarized in one or two sentences -- fleeing an arranged marriage to the man who killed her father, princess Ranjani finds a deserted city and northern invaders. Under threat of slavery etc...<br />The main part of the story is her falling in love with the northerner and fighting the giant bugs for their gold. davefragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12151700370200628940noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67398519988888322762016-08-08T17:18:16.892-04:002016-08-08T17:18:16.892-04:00and plot....
This happens and then that happens an...and plot....<br />This happens and then that happens and then the other happens. It doesn't feel cohesive. It also doesn't make logical sense.<br /><br />If the king is dead, who's forcing the MC to get married? Who is now in charge of the kingdom? Why aren't they trying to solve the murder?<br />Is the MC traveling to the capital of another country? Is that why she thinks she might obtain amnesty? Why would they help solve the murder?<br />What does the murder have to do with the rest of the plot?<br /><br />The MC doesn't wake up until she's fully recovered? How badly was she injured? Is magical healing involved?<br />Was she disguised as male before? Can she fight well enough to pass as a caravan guard? Why would the northerners think she's an assassin? Why do they think the insects have gold? Why bother offering her a choice when they could have both options? If she picks option 2, why does she still need to buy her freedom?<br /><br />Then, it ends on the hints of a romance and the MC questioning whether the guy will still respect her in the morning????<br /><br />Be advised that if the problem is the plot, a good query isn't going to help you much. That being said:<br /><br />MC: Rajani<br /><br />Plot worthy change to the MC's life that is brought about the events of the book: ???? I have no idea.<br />Focus on what the book is about. We don't need every little event along the way. If the murder/fiance/etc isn't the focus of the book, it doesn't belong in the query. If it is the focus, the insects and gold hunt don't fit. If they both fit, you need to show how. Give us a logical string of events that sets up the situation and indicates the direction it's heading. Don't include the ending, but you can mention events leading up to the final showdown.<br /><br />Stakes: ?<br />What's primarily at stake for your MC? Marriage to her father's murderer? At the point where she's playing bodyguard, that no longer seems relevant. A relationship with Anthony? Then who cares about the gold. What is it that she primarily wants and may lose/gain through the actions of the plot?<br /><br />Obstacles: You've mentioned lots of possible obstacles, but I can't comment on which ones might be most useful to mention since I don't know which direction your MC is going.<br /><br />It does sound like it might be a fun story if it ties together. Good luck on the rewrite.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com