tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3097798503120366301..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 614Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-10653075514915430512009-03-23T00:19:00.000-04:002009-03-23T00:19:00.000-04:00It seems to be a law that it's much easier to writ...It seems to be a law that it's much easier to write someone else's query or synopsis - I think it was talpianna who suggested on another thread that we should pool together and write each other's. <BR/>This is pay-it-forward, maybe, for the awesome job Phoenix did with mine. Feel free to use whatever is useful.batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52196076185791670172009-03-22T18:27:00.000-04:002009-03-22T18:27:00.000-04:00Thank you Batgirl!! That's amazing, thanks so much...Thank you Batgirl!! That's amazing, thanks so much! I don't know why, but whenever I try to write queries they always sound so dead. But yours is just perfect. I hope you won't mind if I use parts (all?) of your suggestions? <BR/><BR/>I feel bad - I should be able to write my own queries, it really doesn't reflect well on my skill as a writer. I think it's something to do with having it in a business letter format. It makes you feel more distant from the story.<BR/><BR/>Thanks again, it's so great of you to help.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65855761405779233952009-03-22T17:28:00.000-04:002009-03-22T17:28:00.000-04:00Here's some thoughts from another unpublished writ...<I>Here's some thoughts from another unpublished writer...</I><BR/><BR/>I am seeking representation for my book, “Stephy's Watch”, complete at 30,000 words and aimed at 9-11 year-olds.<BR/><I>It might be simpler to go the adjectival route and say 'I am seeking representation for my 30,000 word middle-grade novel, "Stephy's Watch".</I><BR/>It is the coming of age story of a girl who's <I>whose</I> step-father has just left. Stephy's mother sends her to her great aunt's country house for two weeks while she gets her head together, but as those two weeks grow longer as her mother meets new boyfriends and goes clubbing, she feels more and more abandoned. However, she still continues to make excuses for her mother.<BR/><I>you could tighten this and bring the emotion out a bit more by something like: 'When Stephy's (adjective? distant? beloved?) stepfather leaves (maybe something more striking, like abandons them?) her mother drops her off with her great-aunt. Just for two weeks, while she "gets her head together" (the quotes show this is Mom's idea, not Stephy's). But Mom's head won't stay in one piece, and with clubbing and new boyfriends, two weeks stretch to two months (or whatever span) and Stephy finds it harder and harder to make excuses for her, and to believe that she's ever coming back.'</I><BR/><BR/>Then she discovers a silver pocket-watch, engraved to “Stephy”, which she discovers can take her back in time to the 1920's. She pretends to be from the 1920's, with the help of the watchmaker. The only person she tells is the little boy who lived there. As time goes on, she grows closer to the family of the little boy, and becomes torn between her affection for them and her loyalty to her disinterested <I>uninterested</I> mother. She begins to question what it means to be a family, and whether her mother was ever really family to her. <I>You have a nice irony set up here, which you could bring out: Stephy loses her trust in the future, and turns to the past, via a watch, the marker of passing time. Hmm. Maybe something like 'Lonely and bored, Stephy finds an old silver pocket-watch, with her own name engraved on it, and discovers that it can take her back in time to the 1920s, when a lively, loving family (maybe give them a name, here) inhabited the house. She is drawn into their lives and struggles, even sharing the secret of her watch with one of the children. Learning that they too have been abandoned by their father, she can't help but compare their mother's love and steadfastness with her own mother's immaturity (or other appropriate term). When Mrs (name) falls ill, Stephy must choose to fetch the present-day medicine that would save her, even if it means giving up all she's found in the past. (you say it's not that dramatic in the novel, but all synopsis is falsification to some extent)</I><BR/><BR/>Anyway, there's my take, for whatever amount of help it is - bearing in mind that I'm not much good with my own queries!batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-69297109466377542062009-03-22T11:19:00.000-04:002009-03-22T11:19:00.000-04:00I was with you up until the part where she questio...I was with you up until the part where she questions the meaning of family and whether or not her mother has ever really been family to her. In my experience, most kids aren't doing that until at least their teens. And wouldn't a more common mental process after her dad taking off be some sense of guilt and self-doubt.<BR/><BR/>I might include some of the "episodes" in the query, even if they aren't the main plot, because that would give some more individual character to the query and fill it out a bit more.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-7978831549569867352009-03-22T09:14:00.000-04:002009-03-22T09:14:00.000-04:00Here's the revised version of the query letter. Th...Here's the revised version of the query letter. Thanks for taking a look at it, everyone.<BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/> I am seeking representation for my book, “Stephy's Watch”, complete at 30,000 words and aimed at 9-11 year-olds.<BR/><BR/> It is the coming of age story of a girl who's step-father has just left. Stephy's mother sends her to her great aunt's country house for two weeks while she gets her head together, but as those two weeks grow longer as her mother meets new boyfriends and goes clubbing, she feels more and more abandoned. However, she still continues to make excuses for her mother.<BR/> <BR/> Then she discovers a silver pocket-watch, engraved to “Stephy”, which she discovers can take her back in time to the 1920's. She pretends to be from the 1920's, with the help of the watchmaker. The only person she tells is the little boy who lived there. As time goes on, she grows closer to the family of the little boy, and becomes torn between her affection for them and her loyalty to her disinterested mother. She begins to question what it means to be a family, and whether her mother was ever really family to her. <BR/><BR/> I have included the first three chapters of the manuscript, along with a synopsis and a stamped envelope for your reply. If you wish to email me, my address is _________. Thank you for your consideration.<BR/><BR/> Yours Sincerely,Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17727918925423008092009-03-20T21:56:00.000-04:002009-03-20T21:56:00.000-04:00You might mention that the supposed two weeks is b...You might mention that the supposed two weeks is becoming longer and longer - that not only clears up the biggest uncertainty in your query letter, it also adds an excellent source of tension.Jamie Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02837779496794456059noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90713947694946929442009-03-20T18:02:00.000-04:002009-03-20T18:02:00.000-04:00In the comments. If it's not there soon I'll alert...In the comments. If it's not there soon I'll alert the minions when it goes up.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-5577203291412914852009-03-20T17:54:00.000-04:002009-03-20T17:54:00.000-04:00Thank you, everyone. Your comments have been reall...Thank you, everyone. Your comments have been really useful. I'm writing another version of the cover letter, so I'll post that in (is it allowed to offer the Gloriously Munificent Editor more than one version of a query? or do i just post it here in the comments?)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-2948268980294972572009-03-20T08:05:00.000-04:002009-03-20T08:05:00.000-04:00It does sound like a sweet little coming of age st...It does sound like a sweet little coming of age story, actually. The things you tell us in the comment are great; now you just have to write the query letter to give an agent the urge to read this. I think you might start with the abandonment (in the query, that it's a slow development is insignificant) and say something about how she feels (abandoned? confused? lonely?) until she happens upon the mystery of hte watch and the ghost boy, then ends up going back in time. There, she finds a family that needs her, that gives her a purpose--whatever is appropriate. I think that angle might work for you. Play around with the stuff you gave us in the comment and use that, though. It makes the story sound really, really good, one I'd want to read.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15804168589462836682009-03-19T21:49:00.000-04:002009-03-19T21:49:00.000-04:00I was reminded more of E. Nesbit's House of Arden/...I was reminded more of E. Nesbit's <B>House of Arden/Harding's Luck</B> (complete with Moldiwarp!!!), Alison Uttley's <B>A Traveller in Time,</B> and of the Green Knowe series by L. M Boston. At least your plot is somewhat different, as the others mostly involve finding a lost treasure in order to save the house and family.talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-33186565104704865742009-03-19T17:24:00.000-04:002009-03-19T17:24:00.000-04:00"Unmask Stephy's identity? You mean, tell her empl..."Unmask Stephy's identity? You mean, tell her employers their new friend is from the 21st century?" No, sorry, I didn't explain that properly. Tell her employers about the way Stephy disappears and reappears, so Stephy is forced to explain what's going on.<BR/><BR/>"kill me now feeling" - ooerr, that's not good. Which part gave you that?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20022000304683533052009-03-19T16:29:00.000-04:002009-03-19T16:29:00.000-04:00You've got an interesting story going here. And I'...You've got an interesting story going here. And I'm dying to know what's in the note (as said Evil with less exuberance).<BR/><BR/>In the query I think you need to focus more on the story and not so much the lesson you're trying to get across. I had that "kill me now feeling" when you began to explain yourself.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15050052782243452102009-03-19T15:42:00.000-04:002009-03-19T15:42:00.000-04:00Unmask Stephy's identity? You mean, tell her emplo...Unmask Stephy's identity? You mean, tell her employers their new friend is from the 21st century? Hmm.<BR/><BR/>I think I'd have certainly picked this up in elementary school, but the query makes me leery that it might be all concept and no plot.<BR/><BR/>Not a fan of the name Stephy. :) IMHO, YMMV, etc.<BR/><BR/>Did you submit a new beginning for this?<BR/><BR/>Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53176260171200687342009-03-19T13:25:00.000-04:002009-03-19T13:25:00.000-04:00Ok, she's only supposed to be at her great aunt's ...Ok, she's only supposed to be at her great aunt's house for 2 weeks, but her mother keeps extending the visits as she meets new boyfriends, goes out clubbing etc.<BR/><BR/>So the abandonment only creeps in slowly - she's never been that close to her step-dad (it's a step-dad by the way, I wrote that wrong) and it's only when she sees how the mother at the house treats her children that she realises that her mum isn't really a mother to her at all, and thinks of Stephy as more of an inconvenience than a daughter.<BR/><BR/>As for the whole claiming to be from the future thing, the only people who know to start with are the watchmaker, the uncle of the shildren at the house, who recognised the watch immediately, and one of the children who has quite a cavalier attitude to anything not relating to food, so has no trouble believing her. <BR/><BR/>And what's at stake is complicated. There's no murders or collapses of the universe or anything like that. And I didn't want her to "fix everything" by preventing the dad from leaving because that implies that you need the typical family to be happy. It's just Stephy's place in the family. I guess its quite a gentle little story, but it's the sort of thing I'd have liked as a kid, and as that was only seven years ago, I can't imagine things have changed that much.<BR/><BR/>That's not to say there's not threat, there's a maid who threatens to unmask Stephy's identity, so eventually Stephy is forced to come clean (backed up by the watchmaker), and then the mother gets very ill and Stephy is able to help by getting hold of antibiotics from the future, but these things are episodes in the story, rather than the main plot.<BR/><BR/>Thanks EE and writtenwyrrd.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-72530375834626363112009-03-19T12:58:00.000-04:002009-03-19T12:58:00.000-04:00I would probably read this. It sounds like a gritt...I would probably read this. It sounds like a grittier version of Edward Ormondroyd's classic Time at the Top. But as writtenwyrd points out, the key is the emotions.batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80052370461520866872009-03-19T10:13:00.000-04:002009-03-19T10:13:00.000-04:00I like the idea of the protagonist wondering what ...I like the idea of the protagonist wondering what family means. Lots of kids have to do that with the high divorce rates, although they wouldn't use those terms for it.<BR/><BR/>I think there are a lot of interesting elements, but this 'time travel to learn lessons' trope has been done a lot, so you need to show how this one is different.<BR/><BR/>EE's suggestion to give us what the mother's rationale works for me, too. I wanted to hear that the mom abandoned her daughter, not dropped her off. If that isn't so, we need to know why the protagonist is questioning family.<BR/><BR/>One other thing that you might want to tell is is what is at stake during this novel? Presumably something to do with the 1920s family, perhaps a hint that she'll decided to pick her family by staying in the past; or she recognizes her own situation in the 1920s family and can help them when she cannot help her own situation? Whatever it is, I think we need to know the motivation for the character.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.com