tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post3037935967934806399..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 653Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77526681423406469292009-06-28T09:23:42.137-04:002009-06-28T09:23:42.137-04:00Vastly improved! I liked it, but the conclusion h...Vastly improved! I liked it, but the conclusion he must be mad wasn't logical to me either. Something else has to happen other than hearing "Stop!" to come to that conclusion. If you remove the "I must be mad" stuff I think this is a great start.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-7521602831354941892009-06-27T22:21:20.664-04:002009-06-27T22:21:20.664-04:00Since boomed means loud, you don't have to tel...Since boomed means loud, you don't have to tell us that the booming is loud <br /><br />The only conclusion he can draw is that he's gone mad???? Most people would draw a hundred others first. Unless he hears voices all the time, this is far fetched. <br /><br />Unless he's squawking like a parrot (insert your own better simile) no one's going to notice the voices in his head. Even if he does shout "The END IS NEAR" no one is going to know he's got voices in his head unless he tells them. <br /><br />This is better than the first though. However, try something like this... <br /><br /><br /><br /><br />“Stop!” a voice boomed inside Etan’s head. <br /><br />Students, faculty and even the finicky, bossy librarians, dressed in their gray nondescript robes, went about their business. But Etan froze, dropping the notes he was going to burn. He bent over quickly gathering the pages. The booted toe of so and so appeared. <br /><br />"Let me help you," said (insert whoever he does't want to read the notes he's going to burn)<br /><br />"No," Ethan sqwawked and took a deep breath, speaking calmly "Thanks but I got it." <br /><br />So and so raised an eyebrow. Etan swallowed. So and so can't read those notes, and that's just what so and so was trying to do. Etan pulled the papers to his chest. <br /><br />"Suit yourself," so and so shrugged and ambled away, his boot heels ringing down the hall. <br /><br />Etan took a deep breath, when he heard it again, that voice. "Buy me a cheese burger extra pickles and no ketchup. I mean NONE this time." <br /><br />Etan rubbed his head. The pressures of the Academy, the daily scorn he suffered had finally pushed him over the edge. But before he could go made, he had to burn this notes, hundreds of pages of: "Buy me a cheeseburger" with itemized condiments. What the hell was a cheeseburger? <br /><br />Etan shoved the pages into his satchel, and noticed a strange light, twinkling oddly, in the mirror over the fireplace. Great, just f-ing great. First cheeseburgers. Now this.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-40724595079678883622009-06-27T18:41:23.959-04:002009-06-27T18:41:23.959-04:00Restructure.
"A voice boomed inside Etan'...Restructure.<br /><br />"A voice boomed inside Etan's head so loudly that he froze in terror. It compelled him to stop from burning the pages he held in his hand."<br /><br />...or something.Mamehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04853842158606222286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18182013599422828122009-06-27T15:17:45.087-04:002009-06-27T15:17:45.087-04:00I don't think you need both gray and nondescri...I don't think you need both gray and nondescript to describe the robes. They both mean the robes are uninteresting.Faceless Minionnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-2657925049120529972009-06-27T08:57:13.374-04:002009-06-27T08:57:13.374-04:00I like this opening much better. The fact that I ...I like this opening much better. The fact that I didn't have to use a dictionary in the first two paragraphs helps me out a lot. (It's just because I'm not all that bright).Shoshana Beaubahnanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-45483255941880736772009-06-27T03:38:01.241-04:002009-06-27T03:38:01.241-04:00great beginning - I would definitely read more.great beginning - I would definitely read more.Kathleenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00923975835078747456noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52919154805971381672009-06-27T03:15:23.690-04:002009-06-27T03:15:23.690-04:00Much more snap to this opening!Much more snap to this opening!Jebnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-69038490870379891812009-06-27T02:27:11.895-04:002009-06-27T02:27:11.895-04:00Eh. Sorry to be negative, but I don't really l...Eh. Sorry to be negative, but I don't really like this one either. It's much better than the first one though, which I did find really dry and couldn't be bothered finished reading.<br /><br />I like the action and the scene unfolding in this beginning. I <i>don't</i> like the first sentence at all. A story that starts with "Stop!" doesn't entice me to read on.<br /><br />Maybe something about Etan closing his eyes, wondering if what he's doing is really the right thing, taking a deep breath and moving the scroll closer to the candle - and THEN the voice booms out?<br /><br />Also, if I heard a voice no-one else heard, I wouldn't assume I was mad. I don't think people tend to assume that. I'd just assume I'd misheard something - that someone had dropped a book and it had sounded like something else - or that someone HAD said "Stop" a few aisles over to their friend, or something like that....<br /><br />I wouldn't assume I was mad unless other factors already pointed that way in my mind; unless this was the last of many (imagined?) voices in my head.<br /><br />I don't like the writing style, but I think that may be personal preference, so I'll shush on that. But I would change the first sentence, and the MC's assumption that he's going mad.Ruth (Book Focus)https://www.blogger.com/profile/06211262861068620446noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68724720429931176622009-06-27T00:04:35.431-04:002009-06-27T00:04:35.431-04:00Waaaay better. I'd definitely keep reading thi...Waaaay better. I'd definitely keep reading this.Hepiushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15454133938753758390noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-88623705845879140342009-06-26T23:54:06.986-04:002009-06-26T23:54:06.986-04:00WAAAY better.
*shakes hands*WAAAY better.<br /><br />*shakes hands*Mamehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04853842158606222286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67513313941224533482009-06-26T23:06:29.728-04:002009-06-26T23:06:29.728-04:00Cool. I enjoyed the redo. Snappy, good tension, ...Cool. I enjoyed the redo. Snappy, good tension, nice detail but not too much.<br /><br />Personally, I'd change 'was going to' to 'had intended to' because that tense choice fits better. At least, it does from how I interpreted the scene, though I could be wrong.Kelsey (Dominique) Ridgehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10646757546422013401noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25071084500904415002009-06-26T22:58:20.446-04:002009-06-26T22:58:20.446-04:00Cool, I like it. I want to read more.Cool, I like it. I want to read more.Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07681932402948885690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-13272586440075147462009-06-26T20:50:19.405-04:002009-06-26T20:50:19.405-04:00Do Over -
“Stop!” a voice boomed inside Eta...Do Over - <br /><br /> “Stop!” a voice boomed inside Etan’s head so loudly that he froze in terror. Still holding the notes he was going to burn, he looked around for the source, but did not see anything out of the ordinary and what was even more alarming was that no one else seemed to have noticed anything either. Students, faculty and even the finicky, bossy librarians, dressed in their gray nondescript robes, continued to go about their business without even a glance in his direction.<br /> <br /> Etan’s eyes flicked first one way and then the other until he came to the only conclusion that made sense - he had gone mad. The pressures of the Academy and the daily scorn he suffered had finally pushed him over the edge. And, the only thing to do that made any sense was to leave, and quickly at that, before anyone else noticed his lunacy. He began shoving his notes into the satchel, but froze when he noticed the strange light, twinkling oddly, in the mirror over the fireplace.VK Whethamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07588055037047582431noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-45894501254699568832009-06-25T16:49:37.429-04:002009-06-25T16:49:37.429-04:00Protip: If your character name is one letter away ...Protip: If your character name is one letter away from genitalia, think hard about how much you want to keep it.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-24597806628206773832009-06-25T14:09:29.052-04:002009-06-25T14:09:29.052-04:00Batgirl: I know, but I had EE going for about 2 se...Batgirl: I know, but I had EE going for about 2 seconds, I think. Moby Dick by Danielle Steele.debhoagnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-60227747511032228252009-06-25T13:18:12.889-04:002009-06-25T13:18:12.889-04:00Get rid of that name NOW. Please?Get rid of that name NOW. Please?_*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-85795613791610855952009-06-25T10:23:49.212-04:002009-06-25T10:23:49.212-04:00deb, deb, Poirot is a wee Belgian man - you know h...deb, deb, Poirot is a wee Belgian man - you know how testy he gets when he's called French!<br /><br />vkw - I have to caution you against having a character named Tlestes. It immediately makes me think of an Aztec ceremonial castration. No, wait, keep that name until the continuations have been written.batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56709427579439699332009-06-25T04:07:46.328-04:002009-06-25T04:07:46.328-04:00Late in, but just to say that what you have here i...Late in, but just to say that what you have here is an Explanation Opener — two paragraphs of action text followed by some backstory/explanation. This, so we're told, is less preferable to getting straight into the action, but you handle it well, and it's an intriguing prospect overall.Whirlochrehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09846196906206886945noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-36499478502339554282009-06-24T22:32:50.147-04:002009-06-24T22:32:50.147-04:00Send your do-over as a comment. I'll alert the...Send your do-over as a comment. I'll alert the minions when it's there.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-5324550457609893102009-06-24T22:24:39.197-04:002009-06-24T22:24:39.197-04:00Xenith thank - you. All of you thank your the col...Xenith thank - you. All of you thank your the collective wisdom here is valueless. <br /><br />What if it started out like this: <br /><br />And the gates of hell were opened not by the mutterings of a misguided student, or the ramblings of an aged philosopher or even by the fluttering of a single candle but by the guidance of a Golden Knight, Tlestes by name. <br /><br />EE: Can I have a do over?<br /><br />Please?<br />vkwAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82459590659874472562009-06-24T21:35:17.274-04:002009-06-24T21:35:17.274-04:00Only one comment on the adjectives & adverbs i...Only one comment on the adjectives & adverbs in the first paragraph? With all those words, the important ones get lost. What is important here anyway? Or is it just scene setting. I agree with Dave here. Give us a sense of the setting, please, but let use discover most of it through the story. If you reveal the setting through story, you keep it moving forward. If you stop and take time to set the scene, you're not moving forward. Doing this before the story has even started...<br /><br />But it's the ad-words I was going to comment one. Let me cut most of them out. (I also got rid of the library/academy name, because I believe you want to minimise the number of proper nouns within the opening sentences.)<br /><br /><i>Within the library vaults, Etan muttered when the page he was reading crumbled to dust in his hand. The light of a single candle and the scrawl on the ancient text made his eyes water with fatigue.</i><br /><br />(The scrawl ON the ancient text?) Now it's pared down, I can see what's actually happening. So I have to ask, is the the light and the scrawl making his eyes water? Or the effort of reading them? That's the problem with the ad-words muddling up the sentence. You're not always saying what you think you're saying :\Xenithhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15550985137843901009noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-86175506994458801232009-06-24T19:24:37.115-04:002009-06-24T19:24:37.115-04:00Maybe the corner of the scroll catches the candle,...Maybe the corner of the scroll catches the candle, and by crumbles to dust, you mean ashes and pants crapping. It could work, just sayin.Mamehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04853842158606222286noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62982189632981582912009-06-24T18:08:31.020-04:002009-06-24T18:08:31.020-04:00You're really good at metafiction, aren't ...You're really good at metafiction, aren't you, Matthew!<br /><br />I've always been cautious about the general adjective-adverb phobia, but I think it could apply in this case. Trim away the frippery--not everything, but everything you don't need.<br /><br />Adam's right: you've got The Burly Detective Syndrome. (Whatever did I do before I read the Turkey City Lexicon?)<br /><br />You're about to open up hell and you're writing about a somebody reading boring stuff? Seriously?_*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17098094393548108282009-06-24T18:08:21.430-04:002009-06-24T18:08:21.430-04:00Wee French men?Wee French men?Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42222547317143007742009-06-24T16:53:20.869-04:002009-06-24T16:53:20.869-04:00I didn't realize there were any wee French men...I didn't realize there were any wee French men in Rebecca. I see a new writing exercise coming up though: take a classic and rewrite the opening as it would have been done by someone really . . . different.<br />War and Peace by Barbara Cartland, for example.debhoagnoreply@blogger.com