tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post2850376883632155685..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Death ScenesEvil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-27649497534744174862007-04-30T09:01:00.000-04:002007-04-30T09:01:00.000-04:0015. The plans for world domination seemed a bit bl...15. The plans for world domination seemed a bit blatant exposition -- there's no deeper thoughts there, no insight into the personality. More importantly, I can't quite imaging how you deal with a dead narrator.<BR/><BR/>16. If you delete "asshole" you give us the chance to work it out, likewise "like he needed any". The remaining sentence makes the narrator's feelings towards the contractor pretty clear. I like the rest of this a lot, it's hard to do that kind of description without it feeling like a list and you pulled it off nicely.<BR/><BR/>17. "If there had been pain, thankfully she didn't remember it." this takes out outside of the scene, to the future where she is thinking about what we remembers. The rest of the paragraph is so immediate and right there, I think this detracts. "There was no pain, only wonderment as..." would cover the issue without breaking us out of the moment.<BR/><BR/>18. I liked this a lot; I could really feel the pain. The only bit that struck me as a bit odd was his form splitting and swimming. For a moment I assumed supernatural, then at the end of the sentence I realised she just had double vision.<BR/><BR/>19. The paragraph of conversation is very stilted and feels like exposition. Do people say "if you don't know yet" ? And couldn't they see that the speaker isn't wounded? This struggles compared to the last sentence, where we can really feel Barro's personality. Wazig's shift from conversation to attack seems abrupt but this could be because the scene is out of context<BR/><BR/>20. I found this a little bit hard to follow: the last sentence is uncommonly long. Before, than, covering, all I could think, died, through the....it's very hard to keep track of (and I think the "than" is a mistake though it's hard to tell).<BR/><BR/><BR/>21. I like the amount of information I gain from this, without having to be told. The pulling her away action is a bit odd -- it seems that if he is pulling her away from Justin, he must be pulling her towards himself? Perhaps pushing her away from both of them would make more sense, but it's hard to say without context. I'm intrigued and want to know more.<BR/><BR/>22. I like the detail here and excellent examples of showing rather than telling: the driver's shock through the repetition, the clothes scattered on the robe, smothered by blackness. I'm not sure why Trev only stood before the narrator because Rose was behind? She's not really hidden then? This might be clear in context.Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05925593802209715440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67213154693283349862007-04-27T13:02:00.000-04:002007-04-27T13:02:00.000-04:0010. I had a bit of difficulty following who did wh...10. I had a bit of difficulty following who did what at the end of the first paragraph. With that sort of action scene, I think you have to be sure that every action is clearly attached to an actor. I personally would stick to short sentences but that may be a simple personal preference. I was slightly surprised that there was flying/splattered blood in all this? Or even just John removing his bloodstained hands - but somehow the scene feels "neat" to me rather than a messy fight scene.<BR/><BR/>11. "Just as the main doors opened" confused me until I realised it referred to the previous sentence, not the guards. Then the bastard who was running got no further mention -- this is perhaps clear in context but Alex was chasing, then running (and referring to a tranq gun he threw away? Ah no, that's the guards' gun he's thinking about -- in which case I think "knowing" is redundant). It was rather bizarre that the nearest car (assumably not coincidental) had someone underneath it that is being shot whilst Alex is in the clear: seems a bit close for comfort and why did Fabian simply wait there - couldn't he see Alex (and the guards) running at the car he was using for cover? This one intrigued me lots but out of context I just couldn't make sense of the scene.<BR/><BR/>12. "That daft Arab took a branch for a snake, and you piled into him" I have no clue what this means - is this something that makes sense within the world? The final line (which I wouldn't have guessed) seems an odd reaction to someone who is dying right in front of you -- or is he referring to the cat? In which case it's still odd to me that he'd be ignoring the shot.<BR/><BR/>13. "Whatever you’re going to turn into is going to kill all of us. " -- so it's a good thing he's dead instead of changing into something else evil, isn't it? The line about "come to himself a little while later" takes all urgency out of the scene, I get the feeling they are not in current, direct danger. If that's not intentional, then you may wish to rephrase.<BR/><BR/>14. Wow. I love this. Is this the start? I'd read on. My favourite.Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05925593802209715440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67958566650234225002007-04-27T12:47:00.000-04:002007-04-27T12:47:00.000-04:00So the second was that he was animated? I sort of ...So the second was that he was animated? I sort of combined the two into one. But I think that might just be me :)Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05925593802209715440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-75506144234402884872007-04-24T14:22:00.000-04:002007-04-24T14:22:00.000-04:00Sylvia, the dead man was the first frightening thi...Sylvia, the dead man was the first frightening thing.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-55194394390030540122007-04-24T09:24:00.000-04:002007-04-24T09:24:00.000-04:001. I felt the scene was well written but low on st...1. I felt the scene was well written but low on stress. She could be an ambulance driver, doing her job. I like the reaching for the phone in terms of showing her mindset and confusion but "collapsed" seemed a bit strong.<BR/><BR/>2. I like this one but I wasn't sure what a sidearm was (did the robot yank it away from him? is it a divining rod type motion that makes him aware that the robot is still functioning?). The robot dismantling the light seemed to me gave the guy a break, the robot is distracted from him, just for a moment. I loved the efficiently separating of his components which removes any chance of anthromorposing the robot.<BR/><BR/>3. Mine -- and I was thrilled that csinman liked the description. That's something I always struggle with.<BR/><BR/>4. Maybe this works better in context but the first line immediately struck me as a version of "Well, Bob, as we all know...." exposition. But if I picked up this book in the middle (do other people do that? stealing a page or two that someone else is reading and then carefully replacing the book as it was?) I'd carry on out of curiosity about whether the man with the wolf existed or was just a twist on the phrase.<BR/><BR/>5. The first death scene with the narrator visibly shocked and upset! I really liked the description (black in the shadows, horrible warmth) and the backwards tear. I couldn't help but wonder how many people matched your last line to my scene.<BR/><BR/>6. This was confusing, possibly simply because it's out of context. Coyote Cody is a bit of a mouthful which becomes really noticeable with the repetition: "something leaped on Coyote Cody's back....One of those supernatural sneaks crouched on Coyote Cody's back." The next reference to CC could simply be "he" as we are only dealing with "him" and "it" at that moment. I was not clear who Luke was referring to (CC?) and why that meant he got eaten. Maybe I would with more context.<BR/><BR/>7. I felt a bit frustrated at not knowing the first frightening thing, this might be a context issue. "The name gave the empty eyes focus" is a great line and I laughed aloud at the final line (I admit that I actually scanned through the stories looking for the match when I saw the final line in the first section). I had to read the line where she backed up into the shelf twice, too many objects for me to hold onto what was where.<BR/><BR/>8. There's narrator confusion here I think. I believe the narrator when I am told "Digger wanted to excuse the dead bodies," but then it seems the narrator lied because Digger was the one that killed them? I don't mind description leading me astray but in this case I can only hope that I misunderstood the direct statement. The captain also seemed a bit odd - "I think you are a murderer and I think we are about to catch you but I'm happy to turn my back to you" -- under the circumstances, shouldn't he have been a bit more defensively minded?<BR/><BR/>9. I didn't really connect to Saki in this -- her monologue felt a bit like what I remember from comic strips -- "You thought you could take on the world, but then you made a fatal mistake!". Why is she saying anything other than "You threatened my boys" and upping the heat? I liked her cupping her hands over her ears despite the internal scream.<BR/><BR/>More soon...Sylviahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05925593802209715440noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21485765322684068002007-04-23T10:17:00.000-04:002007-04-23T10:17:00.000-04:00Mine was #10, and it was from a longer story I had...Mine was #10, and it was from a longer story I had written, but this particular death scene had to be edited out. I also changed the names from the original. But there are good comments--except I think a lot of it would be different if they had read the entire scene.Heather Hoythttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03905406135631092697noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1553181232330892262007-04-23T08:37:00.000-04:002007-04-23T08:37:00.000-04:00The 150 word limit is of course to blame for any c...The 150 word limit is of course to blame for any confusion ;).<BR/><BR/>"Cat" is a not-quite-derogatory term for Mescobal, a friend of our protag's who's just been killed when their horses collided while they were racing.nonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00415222406280230021noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16029142371809676792007-04-23T05:52:00.000-04:002007-04-23T05:52:00.000-04:00Don't try ordinary, iodized table salt, Dave - you...Don't try ordinary, iodized table salt, Dave - you're not treating him for goiter.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-63177003695451421732007-04-23T04:43:00.000-04:002007-04-23T04:43:00.000-04:00They were all good! 3, 8, and 21 were my favorites...They were all good! 3, 8, and 21 were my favorites!<BR/>Thanks for sharing!<BR/>Cheers,Chris Eldinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11794946908789120139noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-40047105221247756142007-04-23T03:52:00.000-04:002007-04-23T03:52:00.000-04:00Author of #6 here. ;) I didn't mean to be anonymou...Author of #6 here. ;) I didn't mean to be anonymous--I just forgot to add my name.<BR/><BR/>Crystal - this 150 words comes out of an entire chapter when they've been trekking through a lightless tunnel under a mountain. Thanks for pointing it out though--if they HADN'T been in the tunnel, that would have been a huge oversight for me. (And I make them. A lot.)<BR/><BR/>McKoala - I think I might have chosen something else if I'd had the foresight--as an excerpt this is more confusing that it is in the chapter. Luke "carked" it, so to speak. (I love your slang.)CSInmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16074521661647575424noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73953072355925332922007-04-22T23:05:00.000-04:002007-04-22T23:05:00.000-04:00It astonishes me how often the POV character carks...It astonishes me how often the POV character carks it in these. So what happens in the rest of the book?! Shifting POV? Or are these lots of prologues? Or final pages? Or characters coming back from the dead? Can we do a survey?! <BR/><BR/>A few comments:<BR/><BR/>4. Samael and Sariel: confusing names.<BR/><BR/>6. Who died?! Cody or Luke? <BR/><BR/>7. The biting shelves didn’t work for me. Great last line.<BR/><BR/>10. Too many Johns and Peters. How about the odd ‘He’? Your action should make it clear which one is being referred to.<BR/><BR/>11. I’d establish who drove earlier so you don’t have to split the action with it.<BR/><BR/>12. Confusing, but probably only because it’s an extract. A horse, a cat and who is Mescobal? Probably perfectly clear if you’re reading the whole thing, so ignore me.<BR/><BR/>14. This one made me feel. Loved the detail of the shirt. Spot on in every way.<BR/><BR/>16. Another great one. Nice tone, nice detail. Excellent.<BR/><BR/>20. A bit jargon-heavy to read, but fabulous last line.<BR/><BR/>22. Mine. Points taken. Thanks for commenting!McKoalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01457446171624585099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4276918113151586582007-04-22T20:20:00.000-04:002007-04-22T20:20:00.000-04:00Oh, about that three-second fight, sorry, but I co...Oh, about that three-second fight, sorry, but I couldn't help keeping it realistic in length. Just based on my own experiences in combat. Fights just don't last very long.<BR/><BR/>Oh, and the girl was tied up. She managed to kick him from behind. That's when she was hit by a friendly arrow. She wanted to stay and stomp the guy dead, but Barro exaggerated about her killing him. He killed the leader so she'd leave then for the rescue ship. But I can see that it's easy to misinterpret the scene when so little is available.Dave Kuzminskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09648935668653562022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-2721599906341654592007-04-22T20:13:00.000-04:002007-04-22T20:13:00.000-04:00Bernita, where can I purchase some of that rose-sc...Bernita, where can I purchase some of that rose-scented sea salt? I have a son-in-law.... 'Nuff said? ;)Dave Kuzminskihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09648935668653562022noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-47033846111929257262007-04-22T17:45:00.000-04:002007-04-22T17:45:00.000-04:001) I don't know if you're going for a formal, step...1) I don't know if you're going for a formal, step by step tone because the character is in shock, but you may want to add a little more reactions from her, and less of the CPR instructions.<BR/><BR/>2) In the second paragraph, the breath thing is cliche, but I like the part about the chuckle. This is a powerful story you have here. It's like machine-vs-machine, which could be like, metaphorical for man-vs-man. <BR/><BR/>3) I liked this. <BR/><BR/>4) The rest of the paragraph after "...sake, Sam." is clunky. Especially if she's a woman of few words. The conversation seems a little "As you know, Bob" until he gets to the point and asks her to go be Waterman's new girlfriend. Although, if she's got a gun on him, and is about to shoot him, I wonder why they're having such a long conversation. If you're trying to build tension, the dialogue needs to be snappier.<BR/><BR/>5) I've read this before. A lot.<BR/><BR/>6) If CC is seeing his friend die, then describe it physically. Sight is what we rely on first, unless we're blind. If he heard the crunching from behind, then the last line is fine. <BR/><BR/>7) The "frightening things" drag the scene out and remove the tension. Ditch the "screaming type" sentence. The eep is fine, but a little flip if she actually gave a rat's ass about her husband. Throwing up in the tub is fine. Most ex-husbands make us sick. Cute story. I'd read more.<BR/><BR/>8) I liked this. Weird, but cool. Some of the writing could probably be tightened up, but it's difficult to tell with this short of an excerpt.<BR/><BR/>9) "First actual enemy" and "whoever you are" don't gel. I have no idea what the hell is going on, which in this short of a an excerpt means that you're either describing too many irrelevant things, or you're not using enough words to describe what's happening. I like the first and the last line, and the story is intriguing. <BR/><BR/>10) Your sentences have a lot of commas. You're describing a fight scene from a movie, there's nothing visceral for the senses to hold on to or focus on.<BR/><BR/>11) Action scenes are things we're all familiar with, so you don't have to start from scratch. Just describe the interesting parts, like the character's thoughts and reactions. Try keeping a closer POV on your character. How does he react when Fabian's body jerk back? What does he think? How does he feel? Is he already moving on to what his next move is?<BR/><BR/>12) The scene is a little disjointed, which makes sense, since we're only getting a portion of it. I wouldn't really say anything else except that prolonged bouts of wretching don't carry the action along. <BR/><BR/>13) "Besides, there wasn’t anything much like a hand left." Cool line.<BR/><BR/>14) Wow, that was sad. I wish I hadn't read that.<BR/><BR/>I wrote #15. Yeah, she wakes up under water the next morning, with a slightly adjusted attitude and a whole new set of problems. Thanks for the comments, guys/gals.<BR/><BR/>16) You may want to change the sentence with four commas into two sentences.<BR/><BR/>17) Very powerful writing. The "coupled vehicles" part reads a little awkward like you're trying to squish a few sentences together into one.<BR/><BR/>18) "A thousand wasps were assaulting her lungs." I love this sentence, but I would change "were assaulting" to "assaulted". Less passive.<BR/><BR/>19) "She didn't even have a blade in hand and was already wounded." Awkward. "She allowed herself to be wounded" sounds more arrogant, and it's easier to follow. I've read that three-second fight scene a thousand times and seen it in movies about a million times.<BR/><BR/>20) You have one sentence with nine commas in it. I love the last line.<BR/><BR/>21) I've read this before too. A lot.<BR/><BR/>22) "...some clothes were scattered across the road with something broken and sprawling in them and dark stuff around them." Huh? Don't spend so many words describing something so vague.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-69136650465401386942007-04-22T15:56:00.000-04:002007-04-22T15:56:00.000-04:00Thanks everybody! This was fun!IIIIIIIII1. I guess...Thanks everybody! This was fun!<BR/><BR/>IIIII<BR/>IIII<BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/>1. I guessed. You have a solid voice, and I got a sense of the character.<BR/><BR/>2. I guessed. The scene all fits together so well there was no other logical choice. Good job.<BR/><BR/>3. I almost guessed yours. I knew it was either D or R, but mostly because of the pronoun. I could see a pretty vivid landscape, which you suggested without even describing.<BR/><BR/>4. I didn't guess yours, but as soon as I read that last line I wanted to read it. You're witty.<BR/><BR/>5. I guessed yours. It was partially the pronoun though. Yours is one of the most emotional. I was left very curious if this is nearer the beginning of the book, or the end.<BR/><BR/>6. I guessed yours because I've read it, which is cheating. I'm a cheater.<BR/><BR/>7. I guessed it. Your voice is strong (and there weren't many first persons). It's engaging. I want to read it now.<BR/><BR/>8. I guessed it. Good job setting the scene--the way the Captain died was only logical.<BR/><BR/>9. Piece of cake, but somehow I missed it anyway. I somehow didn't see the option. You sound very creative.<BR/><BR/>10. I guessed. Man, that's brutal. If you wanted to make me uneasy about the idea of honor, you've done so!<BR/><BR/>11. I didn't guess yours because I didn't realize there was someone else there. Also, real quick, I was confused when you said he pulled out his real gun, but tranq guns didn't have much of a range. It took me a second read-through to figure out you meant the guards' tranq guns had a short range.<BR/><BR/>12. I should have guessed yours, but I did just wake up, so I'm slow. I cannot figure out why anyone's dying in yours, and it's made me very curious.<BR/><BR/>13. I guessed. His "symptoms" seemed to lead to the death sentence. (Hardy har, no pun intended.) Good job with continuity.<BR/><BR/>14. I guessed, but I wish I hadn't. That's horrifying. Yours is probably the one that affected me most after I'm Strangling You For Honor Guy.<BR/><BR/>15. The verb tense/first person combination gave it away, but I think I would have gotten it anyway. I'm really curious why the MC is bathing in poison. Cool.<BR/><BR/>16. Guessed it. Great voice, great details. The only one you're missing is now godawful a body in a car in August would smell when they found it, but uh, we don't really need that. <BR/><BR/>17. I guessed because the voice and pace matched so well. Good job.<BR/><BR/>18. I guessed. That villain is creep, but then again, if I poisoned someone I guess I'd probably rub it in too. "Vision was blurring => vision blurred," "was contracting => contracted," and "were assaulting => assaulted." I'm going through my own novel right now weeding out ever one of those superfluous instances of 'was,' and I have a lot of them.<BR/><BR/>19. Guessed it. The setup was irrevocably linked to the line. I hate admitting this, because it's so cheesy, but I love glib I-just-killed-you lines. Yours is good.<BR/><BR/>20. I guessed. It's pretty much impossible for that ending to belong to any other entry. Congratulations on originality!<BR/><BR/>21. I guessed. They're narrowed down by now, which helped, but I think the comrades-escaping-together feeling was thick enough I could have gotten it anyway. Good job.<BR/><BR/>22. Wow, I still didn't guess yours. In my morning fuzziness, I guessed one I'd already guessed. (R.) "Rose was vomiting => Rose vomited." I'm going through my own novel right now weeding out ever one of those superfluous instances of 'was,' and I have a lot of them.CSInmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16074521661647575424noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18557363189883262572007-04-22T11:49:00.001-04:002007-04-22T11:49:00.001-04:00Phoenix said about 11 "My skin crawled at the word...Phoenix said about 11 "My skin crawled at the word "thus," but that may just be a personal issue" Mine too! <BR/>and of<BR/>15. "final thought" sounds awfully final and for a narrator to say it's final makes it, well, not so final. If your narrator is coming back from the dead, that's one thing, and the thought would be a last thought before death, but if your narrator is gone for good, then it's kind of an awkward ending.<BR/><BR/>I wondered if it wasn't the final thought in the book. If so, it might work fine.Gonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00983733430154754147noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-47497380893661641852007-04-22T11:15:00.000-04:002007-04-22T11:15:00.000-04:00Mmmm. Nothing like a little death with coffee in t...Mmmm. Nothing like a little death with coffee in the morning. Presentation is everything, of course, and EE made it especially interesting with those reveals!<BR/><BR/>These were fun reads all, but very hard to comment on, manner of death-wise and such. Since these scenes were plucked from WIPs, I'll note a couple of construct things that struck me on some of them that may be indicative of the writing throughout -- or not. I'm sure I'm committing many of these same nits myself!<BR/><BR/>1. The majority of the sentences start with "she" or the equivalent. Maybe a little more sentence variation?<BR/><BR/>2. "His sidearm yanked out of his hand." I thought the sidearm was actually yanking itself out of his hand, so this phrase made me stop and lose the flow a bit.<BR/><BR/>4. Sameal and Sariel -- the names are awfully similar; may be hard to keep them distnguished. In "Lord of the Rings," my biggest peeve was characters named "Sauron" and "Saruman."<BR/><BR/>5. Ooh, I really liked this one. "subsided" in the last sentence was the only word choice that seemed awkward.<BR/><BR/>7. "A smell as sharp as teeth" didn't work for me as a metaphor. I did like the ice chest image, but using second person pulled me out of the writing. "...like ice from a chest freezer that's been dumped in the sink and hot water run over it ..." might not be so intrusive.<BR/><BR/>8. The Captain's long paragraph kind of had a lot of cliches in it for me. Didn't feel like real dialogue. Placement of "the Captain growled" feels wrong. Not sure you need that phrase or "Digger said" in the next 'graph either. You've established the speakers, just use action to distinguish them.<BR/><BR/>10. Sorry, but the second time Peter "flew" I snickered. Just a word choice issue, I think.<BR/><BR/>11. "real gun" stopped me for a moment. Isn't a tranq gun real? Do you see a real gun as only being one with bullets? My skin crawled at the word "thus," but that may just be a personal issue. <BR/><BR/>13. The phrase "a little while later" indicated to me more passing of time than what is really happening here. "...and lay back down ..." seems more gentle than what a spasming body would do.<BR/><BR/>14. Nice.<BR/><BR/>15. "final thought" sounds awfully final and for a narrator to say it's final makes it, well, not so final. If your narrator is coming back from the dead, that's one thing, and the thought would be a last thought before death, but if your narrator is gone for good, then it's kind of an awkward ending.<BR/><BR/>16. Not sure that "swift, soothing sound" goes together. I see the stream of conscious thinking here, but some paragraphing may help break up the different ideas going on for the reader.<BR/><BR/>19. My math skills were being tried here. First Barro says to get two friends, then he suggests four Kogs. On first read I didn't get the four Kogs were supposed to be in addition to the two friends, winding up with the six total Barro mentions at the end. The repetition of telling Wazig to bring back more allies didn't quite work for me.<BR/><BR/>20. I love the "Oh fuck, they've totaled the dinosaurs again" line, but it was a real chore reading through this densely written scene to get there. In a real-world situation, I'm afraid I never would have tried so hard to read and make sense of these long and complicated sentences.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-14703914818584399272007-04-22T09:52:00.000-04:002007-04-22T09:52:00.000-04:00My word, EE, there's a lot of killer writing in th...My word, EE, there's a lot of killer writing in these scenes!Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.com