tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post2849139723458654802..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 558Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42987224111135302182008-10-01T15:17:00.000-04:002008-10-01T15:17:00.000-04:00Loads better, well done.Loads better, well done.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-35936982857299043292008-09-30T20:34:00.000-04:002008-09-30T20:34:00.000-04:00Wow, the rewrite is really strong. I think with a ...Wow, the rewrite is really strong. I think with a little more tightening, as Wyrdd and Dave suggested, this query sings. Good luck with it!Wonderwoodhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13118126631519254865noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-13039235943764047442008-09-30T13:06:00.000-04:002008-09-30T13:06:00.000-04:00Ah, so not a lovely, crusty, warm French baguette....Ah, so not a lovely, crusty, warm French baguette. Got it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80715616537956983592008-09-30T11:38:00.000-04:002008-09-30T11:38:00.000-04:00Author here.Thanks everyone. The query is better t...Author here.<BR/>Thanks everyone. The query is better thanks to all of your comments. I forgot to change one thing. It should read "store-bought bread." That way, the reader should know that it wasn't a sweet present and there was no ring baked into it. It was a last-ditch effort to grab something at Walgreens before the present exchange.laurennehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08006335791430270282noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82801702852542918502008-09-30T09:46:00.000-04:002008-09-30T09:46:00.000-04:00Whoa, I missed this the first time around, but you...Whoa, I missed this the first time around, but your revision is MILES better. I think it's basically there -- it's snappy and interesting.<BR/>...though personally, I wouldn't mind a loaf of bread for Christmas, depending on the type of bread.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-47385423758220297962008-09-29T23:37:00.000-04:002008-09-29T23:37:00.000-04:00This bothers me: Sofia's hope soon fizzles at the ...This bothers me: <BR/><BR/><I>Sofia's hope soon fizzles at the realization that the stimulating new dating lifestyle she'd imagined includes a...</I><BR/>This might just be me. <BR/>I would say: <BR/>Sofia's hope soon fizzles when the reality of the stimulating new dating lifestyle she's adopted includes a...<BR/><BR/>The revision reads well and I presume it represents the writing style in the novel. It's fun and breezy.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-86021159821243661002008-09-29T17:41:00.000-04:002008-09-29T17:41:00.000-04:00This reads so much better! I would want to read t...This reads so much better! I would want to read this book, honestly. But lines like <I>Although somewhat annoyed at her biological clock for interrupting her budding advertising career</I> are derailing the focus from your pov character. And the mention of a biological clock seems totally beside the point.<BR/><BR/>I'd pick one or two things that go wrong and trim the wording so that you have fewer fancy sentence structures that derail the focus (you do it a few times). It just needs a bit more work, IMO. <BR/><BR/>I really liked the story you present in this version.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-52068069954959661722008-09-29T15:45:00.000-04:002008-09-29T15:45:00.000-04:00Dear agent,I read that you're looking for commerci...Dear agent,<BR/><BR/><BR/>I read that you're looking for commercial fiction and quirky voices. Please consider representing my 80,000-word novel, Tall, Dark, and Unemployed.<BR/><BR/>When Sofia Cera's boyfriend gifts her a loaf of bread for Christmas, she vows to go on blind dates with the 39 men furthest from her "type" that she can find. Dating unemployed Latinos for so long has gotten her nowhere, and she doesn't want to be next in a long line of Cera family women plagued with tragic relationships.<BR/><BR/>Although somewhat annoyed at her biological clock for interrupting her budding advertising career, she forges into LA's dating pool. Sofia's hope soon fizzles at the realization that the stimulating new dating lifestyle she'd imagined includes a porn-obsessed stuntman and a belligerent jock who pees on her boots. Plus, glamour is lost when Sofia is forced to show up to dates with her heels in her purse and out of breath from the ride there on her Target ten-speed. After 34 nights of donning her tight jeans and fake smile, Sofia realizes that even if her prospects were wonderful, she wouldn't be interested. Her foray into the world of blondes and accountants has her convinced that we're all born with an inherent attraction to a certain type, and hers just happens to come in a spicy Latino package with a side of unemployment. <BR/><BR/>Just as Sofia convinces herself that the life of single, career-hungry feminist could actually be fun, she meets Andrés, a sexy Latino who owns his own business. Score! But now that Sofia's found the relationship she's always wanted, she realizes she doesn't need it. All this time chasing relationships has taught her that she shouldn't be looking for someone else until she finds herself. With humor and candor, this novel follows a woman's search, both for identity and a man, in a city where everyone seems lost. <BR/><BR/>From a small yet impeccably decorated cubicle, I write award-winning TV commercials for a living. You can see my advertising work at ________ or my sketch comedy at Improv Olympic West. I also read my work on stage at ChiChi's Word Parlor in Los Angeles.<BR/><BR/>I am enclosing the first 5 pages in case you want a peek, but I'd be happy to send you a complete manuscript. Thank you for your time.<BR/><BR/>Regards,Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-77846820340317052052008-08-24T06:05:00.000-04:002008-08-24T06:05:00.000-04:00See, now I would love a gun as a gift. I've been b...See, now I would <I>love</I> a gun as a gift. I've been begging for a knife for years and my husband still insists he thinks I'm kidding, even when I tell him I'm not.<BR/><BR/><BR/>Lol EE!Staciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07969399927758009095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-45192420077158615182008-08-24T01:43:00.000-04:002008-08-24T01:43:00.000-04:00I think the worst present ever was mentioned in M....I think the worst present ever was mentioned in M. Scott Peck's PEOPLE OF THE LIE. A teenaged boy wanted a tennis racket for his birthday. His parents gave him the rifle his older brother had committed suicide with.talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30399807176561088262008-08-23T18:26:00.000-04:002008-08-23T18:26:00.000-04:00Perfect, tal. Perfect. He's even my height, I thin...Perfect, tal. Perfect. He's even my height, I think.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15841211694040836692008-08-23T12:04:00.000-04:002008-08-23T12:04:00.000-04:00My ex-hubs gave me a gun for our first anniversary...My ex-hubs gave me a gun for our first anniversary. In a presentation box. (That apparently made it a cool gift.) Then he got mad when I sold it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21690155180714027802008-08-23T11:30:00.000-04:002008-08-23T11:30:00.000-04:00Hey, as long as we're talking about boyfriend pres...<I>Hey, as long as we're talking about boyfriend presents. One guy gave me a jar of honey-roasted peanuts for Christmas. Which were half-eaten.</I><BR/><BR/>Some women look at a jar of half-eaten honey-roasted peanuts and see it as half full. You, apparently, see it as half-empty.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6666166992533230732008-08-23T11:26:00.000-04:002008-08-23T11:26:00.000-04:00Hey, as long as we're talking about boyfriend pres...Hey, as long as we're talking about boyfriend presents. One guy gave me a jar of honey-roasted peanuts for Christmas. Which were half-eaten.<BR/>Wish I were joking. And he was the richest guy I ever dated. We went flying in *his* plane and landed in *his* field where the plane was kept next to his other planes in his hangar. Oh well.<BR/><BR/>Um, You were asking---I'd prefer fiction and not memoir, but that's me. I very seldom buy a memoir.Chris Eldinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11794946908789120139noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-64141164845882614082008-08-23T03:22:00.000-04:002008-08-23T03:22:00.000-04:00Freddie, have I got a guy for you!http://tinyurl.c...Freddie, have I got a guy for you!<BR/><BR/>http://tinyurl.com/6677tntalpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76942618096791086242008-08-22T22:28:00.000-04:002008-08-22T22:28:00.000-04:00I wouldn't mind bread as a present—as long as it's...I wouldn't mind bread as a present—as long as it's good bread. <BR/><BR/>But then . . . I haven't dated in a while.Stacyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03365582623380288038noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15711547978621260802008-08-22T08:21:00.000-04:002008-08-22T08:21:00.000-04:00I need to chime in because I think the "plot sound...I need to chime in because I think the "plot sounds like it's going nowhere" criticisms may be a trifle offbase. <BR/><BR/>My understanding of literary novels is not the greatest, mind, but I believe that an aimless plot for a character-driven story about dating could work very well in that genre. The book would be about the internal changes of the pov character. You just need to show that the story elements are interesting and that the character and events can carry the reader's interest. Some change/conclusion (like in Bridget Jones' Diary, where she decides the boss she's been lusting after isn't worth the effort) must occur, however. So show us that or how the story is headed that direction, to a choice of some kind. <BR/><BR/>This is all presuming the story actually does these things, which I can't tell from the query. It does sound rather aimless and pointless as the letter describes it now.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59184050958902207202008-08-22T02:58:00.000-04:002008-08-22T02:58:00.000-04:00Mental Note 1: Don't send December the loaf of bre...Mental Note 1: Don't send December the loaf of bread this year.<BR/><BR/>Mental Note 2: Wait, I'm not her boyfriend, so I'm clear.<BR/><BR/>Mental Note 3: Better make it two loaves anyway.pacatruehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04125048243775811714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59242102764470215662008-08-21T20:45:00.000-04:002008-08-21T20:45:00.000-04:00It doesn't seem to me to be going anywhere--not an...It doesn't seem to me to be going anywhere--not any real plot, and no personal growth on the part of the heroine. <BR/><BR/>And the title doesn't seem to be very representative of the book. As for the gift of bread, it depends on the loaf. (And is it "crummy" or "crumby" bread, anyway?) Bread is highly symbolic: the staff of life, the Body of Christ in the sacrament, the root word of "lord." Giving someone bread can represent an offer to cherish for life. I think there are some wedding rituals (forget which country) that include sharing a loaf as part of the ceremony. And of course, it's the classic symbol of hospitality--if someone offers you bread and salt when you enter their home, they can't kill you even if it turns out that you've slaughtered their entire family. <BR/><BR/>And this doesn't even get into the question of whether there's a ten-carat diamond ring baked into the loaf...<BR/><BR/>I'd title it YOU'VE GOT TO KISS A LOT OF FROGS BEFORE YOU FIND YOUR PRINCE.talpiannahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13978075304795724185noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-21289923414059534962008-08-21T19:52:00.000-04:002008-08-21T19:52:00.000-04:00Personally, if my boyfriend of a year gave me a lo...Personally, if my boyfriend of a year gave me a loaf of friggin' bread for Christmas you bet I'd be pissed. I'm not a materialistic girl (honest I'm not) but that's really a lazy, crappy, no-thought-last-minute-gift (assuming it was a store-bought loaf as Wendy said. I pictured Wonderbread). Even if he were dirt poor he could come up with something better than that. Even a chocolate bar would be better than that if he has no money. Or he could have run her a bath or written her a poem or something. But a loaf of bread? For Christmas? That's bad.<BR/><BR/><BR/>Anyway. I think the dating thing is really cute, but I'd leave out the nonfic bit. Given the memoirs-that-weren't lately, I think you want to make it clear this is just fiction and nothing but.<BR/><BR/>JMO.Staciahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07969399927758009095noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-57981931143261813452008-08-21T19:15:00.000-04:002008-08-21T19:15:00.000-04:00I have to admit I didn't get the bread thing at fi...I have to admit I didn't get the bread thing at first. Bread usually takes a lot of effort to make, so I thought it sounded sweet.<BR/><BR/>Now if it were a cheap loaf of store brand "wheat" that'd be a different story.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-34500192050410265012008-08-21T17:50:00.000-04:002008-08-21T17:50:00.000-04:00Hello all,I am the author, and I am so grateful fo...Hello all,<BR/>I am the author, and I am so grateful for your comments. This is my first query, and I'm finding it quite challenging.<BR/><BR/>I just threw Andres in there because another critique suggested the ending needed to seem more dramatic (before, I kept him out because the book is more about the dating escapades than him). Andres is actually a good name for him because the heroine is obsessed with hot Latin lovers (perhaps I need to cover that ground.)<BR/><BR/>More importantly, I would like to know what you all think about this dating idea being fiction or memoir. It is a true story, and I did go out with many duds in order to write it (and yes, I am obsessed with hot Latin lovers). <BR/>Is that more interesting? <BR/>Thank you so much.laurennehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08006335791430270282noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84868342351493846892008-08-21T17:22:00.000-04:002008-08-21T17:22:00.000-04:00"self-deprecating charm"It may be self-deprecating..."self-deprecating charm"<BR/><BR/>It may be self-deprecating but don't I get to decide if it's charming? This read to me like people who TELL me their thriller is "fast-paced and gripping" instead of showing me it is with their writing. <BR/><BR/>I also think the query feels fractured. Andres was an abrupt shift from the lsoer dates. Also, the heroine came off as kind of witchy over the bread thing. I think we need some context for that, otherwise to me she comes off as shallow to break off a year-long relationship over what might have been a simple misunderstanding.E.D. Walkerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03002135496669838071noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-274582080061419382008-08-21T17:18:00.000-04:002008-08-21T17:18:00.000-04:00I really like your voice and the novel sounds like...I really like your voice and the novel sounds like fun, but I concur with the above statements about getting to Andres sooner. <BR/><BR/>You've got a talent for the wacky or telling details (cheese stealing, Sofia's 10 speed) but once you get to Andres you don't give us anything unique or juicy on him or the relationship. After setting up how guarded Sofia is, there needs to be some kind of explanation how Andres sweeps past her defenses. I mean, his name is Andres. Clearly he has a story. <BR/><BR/>Also, your query switches themes half way through. The first part is about Sofia trying to break a family curse, but once she meets Andres the book becomes about people in the dating scene masking who they really are. These aren't incompatible themes, but it would help the flow of the story if you illustrate the link, i.e.:<BR/><BR/>"Admittedly confused about her own mixed ethnicity, Sofia realizes her boyfriend bad luck may have less to do with genetics and more to do with her own search for identity."<BR/><BR/>Hope this helps!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-40112611462588463372008-08-21T16:34:00.000-04:002008-08-21T16:34:00.000-04:00I think you should take December's advice, corrobo...I think you should take December's advice, corroborated by others, more than mine, not simply because she's got the three book deal, but because she's more your target audience. As a guy who didn't date much because I met my wife at 17, I was rather put off by the heroine of the query (who is likely not the heroine of the book). I assume Boyfriend 1 had other problems such that bread was the final straw, but dumping a guy because a gift wasn't sufficiently expensive seemed terribly shallow.<BR/><BR/>Now, if what our character realizes through the book is that her boyfriend problems are due, in part, to her obsession with superficial things, or that we are to laugh with her as we all have silly traits, then I'm okay. But I just didn't have enough sympathy with the protag as displayed in the query to want to read the book.pacatruehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04125048243775811714noreply@blogger.com