tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post2786061578918819226..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1261Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-27747143984713139832015-06-16T15:46:28.175-04:002015-06-16T15:46:28.175-04:00I agree that you should minimize (what I think is)...I agree that you should minimize (what I think is) the towering, confusing, Greek-mythology-like backstory and maximize (what I hope is) the quirky, vivid Wizard-of-Oz-like, girl-on-a-mission story.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-13082846315392861642015-06-16T00:10:16.807-04:002015-06-16T00:10:16.807-04:00There are a lot of elements here. Some of them see...There are a lot of elements here. Some of them seem to be the same elements with different names.<br />We have:<br />The seven children of Adeloste,<br />Adeloste himself, also known as the Eternal King,<br />demigods,<br />Ferlorenare (may also be the Demigods),<br />a great war,<br />a sacrifice,<br />the city of Sakaret,<br />a powerful, mysterious enchantment,<br />a 2,000 year silence,<br />Alsed, <br />a mysterious woman, <br />an unseen hand, <br />monsters, or a monster,<br />an ancient myth (Adeloste?),<br />a world teetering on the brink of destruction,<br />Asled's friends,<br />a psychotic demigod,<br />and a complex game.<br /><br />That's a lot of stuff. It's all thrown together, though. It doesn't "gel." Everyone's running or opposing something or sacrificing themselves or uncovering ancient secrets, but who is doing what and why?<br /><br />We need a main character (Alsed) and his personal journey. Tell what he does and why he wants to accomplish it. Then, what obstacles are in his path. Who is this mysterious woman? Does she have a name? Finally, what does Alsed have that makes him likely to save the world or worthy of being the hero in this story.<br />St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-74717499865732028982015-06-15T17:55:32.079-04:002015-06-15T17:55:32.079-04:00I'm going to skip over the strangeness of the ...I'm going to skip over the strangeness of the people from inside and outside the wall speaking the same language even though they've had no contact for 2,000 years. I do hope there's a reasonable explanation.<br /><br />For the most part, you don't need to include your world building. The only thing I can think of that might be relevant is <i>why</i> the city was sealed away, which presumably has something to do with why the woman thinks Alsed (& friends?) can save the world. If is relevant and can be mentioned briefly, it might be ok to include.<br /><br />Remember to be specific.<br /><br />Re-post, if you want comments on the re-write.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-54618027110226150412015-06-15T14:32:56.462-04:002015-06-15T14:32:56.462-04:00This is a lot of unfamiliar names to throw at some...This is a lot of unfamiliar names to throw at someone in 30-45 seconds, which is about how long an agent will spend looking at a query. Give us a main character and an obstacle in his or her path, and avoid naming too many people and places.alaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42755337495906160222015-06-15T12:24:40.896-04:002015-06-15T12:24:40.896-04:00This is way too much setup and most of it is unnec...This is way too much setup and most of it is unnecessary. All of the stuff about the war between the gods 2,000 years ago is just creating more questions. All we really need to know at the start of the query is that the city has been magically sealed off for millennia. Take EE's advice and kill the first paragraph and the single sentence one after it. An agent or editor reading this is going to worry that your book spends too much time setting up the pantheon of your story and what happened in the war and how the city was sealed off before getting to your main character, assuming that he or she gets to the part where your main character shows up. If the book is similarly fro traded with backstory, you'll want to do some editing so the history of this world and its deities is parceled out in manageable chunks as your reader needs to know it, rather than one giant infodump at the beginning.<br /><br />Starting off with "This is a story about..." wastes word count when you could be diving right in to your story and engaging the query reader. Plus, you're putting the focus on the wrong thing. Your book isn't a series of creation myths about the gods and their battles. That's the setting. The story is about Alsed.<br /><br />Dump all the vague language and get specific on your characters and what happens to them. Who is Alsed? We knows that he lives in the walled-off city, but that's about it. What does he actually want? You say that he's forced into this epic battle, but what are his goals and desires? If what he wants is to help the mysterious woman save her people, why does he want that? Who are Alsed's friends? Why are they the ones to fight this battle? What skills or abilities do they have that might help them succeed? Why are they now able to leave Sakaret? What challenges will they face in addition to the demigod?<br /><br />You usually want to describe your book that's intended to be part of a series as "a standalone novel with series potential." Some agents and editors see "book one in a planned series" and the like as code for "book that doesn't tell a completely story and is just setup for book two" or "book I won't be able to sell if the author flakes out and doesn't finish the other two."<br />InkAndPixelClubhttp://ladiesofcomicazi.comnoreply@blogger.com