tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post2719390998510854915..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1108Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6824265625840285202013-03-12T23:45:45.177-04:002013-03-12T23:45:45.177-04:00The book is supposed to be comedic.
Jill gets fi...The book is supposed to be comedic. <br /><br />Jill gets fired from being a barista in the beginning: "barista" isn't her career: she's got no real career. <br />Jack is supposed to be a parody on the love-struck man b/c he's the opposite: he doesn't want to rescue Jill's soul b/c he doesn't want to use up his vacation time, for example.<br />Ditto w/ the "fairy godmother" who is thirty years too late to help out Jill b/c of personal problems.<br /><br />Thanks Chelsea for positive feedback and solid advice.Patricia Bennett Fine Art Painterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08508139126459157433noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-41208602288021145342013-03-12T19:10:11.681-04:002013-03-12T19:10:11.681-04:00Hi author!! You've got some really intriguing ...Hi author!! You've got some really intriguing stuff here (love the parts about Fred!), but I did have a few questions:<br /><br />Is this a comedy? It starts out sounding serious, and then we hit jellyfish and things seem pretty comedic after that. If it's supposed to be funny throughout (kind of mocking/satirizing the <i>love-at-first-sight conquers all, even death</i>-type of story), it sounds like a really fun read, but I think the query could better reflect the comedy. I also think you could include it in the genre: a 50,000-word paranormal comedy (or paranormal satire).<br /><br />Can you clarify unemployed barista for me? I keep thinking: if she's a barista, she has a job. Do you mean she's working as a barista but has no real career (thus, still employed)? OR do you mean she used to be a barista but got fired/laid off, but still considers herself a barista?<br /><br />Lots of interesting stuff in here. I'd love to read a revision! :)Chelsea Pitcherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16301150715189103602noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-6308653423087601972013-03-12T13:16:56.922-04:002013-03-12T13:16:56.922-04:00I have no problem with the sentence, but if it rea...I have no problem with the sentence, but if it read "She lives alone with her cat, re-reading Kurt Vonnegut and P.G. Wodehouse while devouring cherry cordials" you save more than 20 words, and the only info lost is that she's wondering what to do with herself, which we can infer from her being an unemployed barista sitting around rereading books and gorging on chocolate.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-57133926849919859412013-03-12T12:16:30.937-04:002013-03-12T12:16:30.937-04:00It's a run-on sentence. (Try reading it out lo...It's a run-on sentence. (Try reading it out loud.)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-87807691478218927172013-03-12T12:08:13.290-04:002013-03-12T12:08:13.290-04:00That particular sentence is 40 words long, or arou...That particular sentence is 40 words long, or around 1/6th of what you have space for. Mental states should be implicit in the sentences describing actions the character takes.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80564060810779352362013-03-12T11:21:07.839-04:002013-03-12T11:21:07.839-04:00Is this a query or a synopsis?
If it's a query...Is this a query or a synopsis?<br />If it's a query, Dave had great suggestions. The main thing you need to do is cut.<br /><br />First, make Jill seem more alive. I'd pitch that sentence about Jill's mental state because it makes her seem like a victim and shiftless. Like she's given up on life. This makes her unsympathetic and not attractive as a heroine. If she is down on her luck, fine. Make her sound like she's fighting her way out of a bad situation, not giving up. <br /><br />Then, fix Jack's storyline. He can't be both indifferent and in love. Explain how true love is the reason he's willing to brave loss of life and soul to rescue part of Jill from hell. <br /><br />What sort of viewpoint did you write from? I wonder about the length--50,000 words--because with the dozen plot points you mention it seems a bit short. <br /><br />Sorry about my first comment. Yesterday was a crummy day and I was confused about the query. <br /><br />Title could use some re-thinking as mentioned by EE, but you really need to focus on the first comment he made--"It's been done." What separates your story from the other myth re-tellings? Focus on that. Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71724634602801313842013-03-12T11:02:57.005-04:002013-03-12T11:02:57.005-04:00This heroine is unappealing. She's not a winn...This heroine is unappealing. She's not a winner type. She feels sorry for herself. Then there's a journey from unappealing character to champion hero-type.<br /><br />Love at first sight is a stretch, but why not, it's a story.<br /><br />Also, the fairy godmother is not a goddess, she just has the name of a goddess.<br /><br />Thanks for all the comments, I think they are helping me.Patricia Bennett Fine Art Painterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08508139126459157433noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-46663637051697933302013-03-11T22:47:23.632-04:002013-03-11T22:47:23.632-04:00Please explain why you want that particular senten...Please explain why you want that particular sentence given the "heave-ho". I think it gives a good description of the heroine's mental state and explains why she's in limbo.Patricia Bennett Fine Art Painterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08508139126459157433noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-51503450347573158832013-03-11T22:35:46.229-04:002013-03-11T22:35:46.229-04:00The part that most bothered me about this whole st...The part that most bothered me about this whole story was the 'love at first sight' bit. I like a good love-conquers-all story, but the premise seems thin.<br /><br />Second, Jill apparently drifts through life without purpose--that doesn't describe someone I'd like to read about for long. Unemployed, sitting around sucking down chocolate and re-reading stories isn't much of a heroine. Make her seem more appealing, please.<br /><br />Perhaps this is a synopsis, but even so, Jill reads exceptionally flat. How are goddesses fairy godmothers?Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20968995654640778682013-03-11T17:15:44.354-04:002013-03-11T17:15:44.354-04:00If the query's going to be cut to the first tw...If the query's going to be cut to the first two paragraphs, then this sentence needs to get the heave-ho:<br /><br /><i>She lives alone with her cat and wonders what the heck she's going to do with herself when she isn't avoiding this question for the thirtieth year by spending hours re-reading Kurt Vonnegut and P.G. Wodehouse while devouring cherry-filled chocolates.</i>AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20766030330872485172013-03-11T16:46:54.334-04:002013-03-11T16:46:54.334-04:00If Jack is unromantic, how does love at first sigh...If Jack is unromantic, how does love at first sight overcome his practical nature? I don't get it.Chicoryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16504144663440678542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73038663861016198002013-03-11T16:22:31.554-04:002013-03-11T16:22:31.554-04:00There is a part where Jack teaches his class about...There is a part where Jack teaches his class about Orpheus and Eurydice, and Jack imagines that he's Orpheus.<br /><br />The unique part of this is that Jack is not that mournful about Jill, and just wants to move on. But the love at first sight thing overcomes his practical cautious nature. He's unromantic.Patricia Bennett Fine Art Painterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08508139126459157433noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-72187020744827318212013-03-11T15:29:46.675-04:002013-03-11T15:29:46.675-04:00I first thought this was a retelling of Orpheus an...I first thought this was a retelling of Orpheus and Eurydice but that wasn't the way it ended up in the story. That's my problem...<br /><br />It is too long as a query and has too many characters in the description. <br /><br />If I were writing this, I would do it from Kill's POV and keep it down to the basic plot points. <br /><br /><i>Jack, an inner school teacher, and Jill, an out of work art major, fall in love and when Jill is killed, they each seek a way to meet again. <br /><br />But Jill is not entirely in the Underworld, Only part of her is kept there. The other half of Jill can haunt the mournful Jack.<br /><br />When Jack goes to Hades to save one part of Jill, the other half of Jill has to save him from a soulless existence in Hades when he doesn't succeed. </i><br /><br />And that seems to be a rough start. Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18217202416002233005noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4795394600507332542013-03-11T12:20:42.099-04:002013-03-11T12:20:42.099-04:00I'm a little off today, it being the first wor...I'm a little off today, it being the first work day after Daylight Savings. As such, pretty much all I can manage is: is this a hoax? <br /><br />Kinda seems too convoluted to be a real story, but maybe it's because all these mythology-bleeding-into- real-life stories seem convoluted.<br /><br />And, it's got all the usual suspects for a ripe hoax: inexplicable name, far too long, few comments from EE, unemployed gal and poor-downtrodden guy experience love-at-first-sight, misspelled MC name...<br /><br />So, in all, I've come to the conclusion that this is really a mystery story, wherein I'm to deduce if I can suspend my disbelief and comment for the 'author'. <br /><br />Comment: Best of luck on this. ;)Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.com