tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post260243108220868615..comments2024-03-18T13:32:44.865-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 418Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger25125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68113641547767614272008-03-04T12:09:00.000-05:002008-03-04T12:09:00.000-05:00Thanks 150, Sarah, writtenwyrdd... Here goes again...Thanks 150, Sarah, writtenwyrdd... Here goes again...<BR/><BR/>Attn: Evil Editor:<BR/><BR/>The moment Caerulea hatches, her life is in danger.<BR/><BR/>As the first dragon seen in Coelithia in thirty years, she attracts plenty of attention: from the evil sorcerer Vorare Malus, and from members of the three races determined to end Malus's reign. Fortunately, the good guys find her first. The three allied races rally around their newfound dragon, guiding and protecting her as she grows and learns to use her magic. <BR/><BR/>In order to save herself and her friends, Caerulea joins their cause to prevent Malus from seizing an enormous source of power and murdering an entire race in the process. Along the way, she collects tantalizing clues and hints regarding the whereabouts of the missing dragons.<BR/><BR/>As Malus moves to crush the resistance and gain control of the entire land of Coelithia, the allies gather to protect the powerful magic amid secrets and treachery that none could have foreseen. <BR/><BR/><I>The Sorcerer and The Dragon</I> is my complete 102,000-word science-fiction/fantasy novel. I am now working on a sequel to this book as well as conceptualization for third and fourth installments. <BR/><BR/>May I send you the first few chapters of my manuscript? I am impressed with your record of representation, and believe I would be a valuable addition to your client list.<BR/><BR/>Thank you for your time and consideration. <BR/><BR/>Best regards,Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71679748600641553562008-03-04T06:29:00.000-05:002008-03-04T06:29:00.000-05:00150's revision deals with all the problems brillia...150's revision deals with all the problems brilliantly. I'd use that. In order to deal with the dragon not just being in the fight for her own reasons, you just need to say something like, "Now in order to save herself and her friends," and forget the mention of seeking the rest of her people, because it sounds like she can't actively seek them while in the midst of being hunted and during a civil war.<BR/><BR/>Your rewirte didn't provide an emotional focus. It's my observation (which may be wrong) that a query needs to provide the emotional hook, the whys of the action, along with the details that make the story interesting. If you look at 150's version, that emotion is immediately apparent.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-35419330043746603512008-03-03T23:31:00.000-05:002008-03-03T23:31:00.000-05:00Maybe:Caerula joins their cause--not only because ...Maybe:<BR/><BR/><I>Caerula joins their cause--not only because she needs their help to learn what happened to the rest of her species, but because of the deep bonds she has formed with her protectors.</I>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-39193533492424440192008-03-03T22:58:00.000-05:002008-03-03T22:58:00.000-05:00I agree with 150. I kept saying 'who?' 'what?' and...I agree with 150. I kept saying 'who?' 'what?' and then looking back and realizing you had mentioned them or it previously. <BR/><BR/>I get a better sense of what's going on from 150's rewrite. Perhaps that can help you shape the information you want to include in the query.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-91075076821832351182008-03-03T22:38:00.000-05:002008-03-03T22:38:00.000-05:00Hi 150:Thanks for your feedback; you've got a pret...Hi 150:<BR/><BR/>Thanks for your feedback; you've got a pretty good understanding of my story, but the dragon is not just in it for herself. I don't know how to make that point clearer, and I am not completely happy with the way <BR/><BR/><I>Caerulea is drawn into the allies' cause, knowing that if Vorare Malus succeeds in conquering all of Coelithia, no one will remain to help her discover what has become of her race.</I><BR/><BR/>sounds. Her life is repeatedly saved by her guardians, and she forms deep bonds of friendship with them. They are also enthusiastic about helping her find out what happened to the dragons.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-43277115728346267472008-03-03T21:27:00.000-05:002008-03-03T21:27:00.000-05:00Hmm, okay. This left me very confused. My eyes see...Hmm, okay. This left me very confused. My eyes seemed to bounce right over the words and absorb no meaning at all. I think that's due to a lot of general, slightly clichéd phrases. I rewrote it so that I could understand the barebones plot.<BR/><BR/><I>Caerula just hatched yesterday, and already her life is in danger.<BR/><BR/>As the first dragon seen in Coelithia in forty years, she attracts plenty of attention: from the evil sorcerer Malus, and from the members of the rebellion determined to end Malus's reign. Fortunately, the rebellion finds her first. The three allied races rally around their newfound dragon, and Caerula joins their cause--if only because she needs their help to learn what happened to the rest of her species.<BR/><BR/>Before the rebellion can finish training, Malus moves to end the rebellion and seize the dragon by attacking the Sacred City. Can Caerula come into her magical prowess in time to save herself and the world?</I><BR/><BR/>I had to guess on the last bit, obviously. Looking at the rewrite, this doesn't sound like it should nearly take 102,000 words to cover. It feels like you could include more conflicts in the middle there. Others might disagree.<BR/><BR/>On looking back, this is a lot better than your first try.<BR/><BR/>Good luck!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-22474159517119963212008-03-03T19:00:00.000-05:002008-03-03T19:00:00.000-05:00Revised query:Attn: Evil Editor In a land that has...Revised query:<BR/><BR/><BR/>Attn: Evil Editor<BR/> <BR/>In a land that has endured four decades of suffering during the dragons' inexplicable absence, a tiny glimmer of hope emerges. Caerulea is unaware that in fighting her way free of her egg, she is broadcasting news of her presence throughout all of Coelithia. Sent to find her are emissaries of good as well as the remorseless giant robots of the evil sorcerer, Vorare Malus.<BR/> <BR/>She is forced to master her use of magic in a very short time, guided and protected by members of three allied races who must work together in spite of their differences if they are to survive the Vorare's terrifying reign. He has subjugated one country, captured or forced the occupants of another into hiding, and now his legions of death are gathering to utterly annihilate the third.<BR/> <BR/>Relentlessly pursued by the murderous robots, Caerulea is drawn into the allies' cause, knowing that if Vorare Malus succeeds in conquering all of Coelithia, no one will remain to help her discover what has become of her race. She joins their preparation to stand up to the sorcerer despite the seeming futility, unintentionally becoming the rallying point for the resistance.<BR/> <BR/>Together, they make their stand in the Sacred City of the Acui, deep within the concealing Garagna Forest, amid secrets and treachery that none could have foreseen.<BR/>The Sorcerer and The Dragon is my complete 102,000-word science-fiction/fantasy novel. I am now working on a sequel to this book as well as conceptualization for third and fourth installments. <BR/> <BR/>May I send you the first few chapters of my manuscript? I am impressed with your record of representation, and believe I would be a valuable addition to your client list.<BR/> <BR/>Thank you for your time and consideration.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-20056598658003368402007-09-12T01:49:00.000-04:002007-09-12T01:49:00.000-04:00TO Author: Query letters are supposed to be one pa...TO Author: Query letters are supposed to be one page typed. I don't think there is any way this whole thing fits on a single page. Get out your writing machete and cut this down! It's reading more like a synopsis than a query. With queries think more like the back of the book or a movie trailer, less a summary of the whole plot as hitting the high points and grabbing interest. <BR/><BR/>I also must say you should cut your credits at the end. If there is nothing stellar to put there best leave it off altogether. <BR/><BR/>TO EE: <BR/>PLEASE, PLEASE could you do some synopsi (synopsiss...sp?) critiques? You could ask for short ones...please?<BR/><BR/>~MothAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-3146762660550513952007-09-12T00:03:00.000-04:002007-09-12T00:03:00.000-04:00ME - what number was your query. I'd be happy to r...ME - what number was your query. I'd be happy to read it over.<BR/><BR/>SarahAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82350684133255050122007-09-11T19:57:00.000-04:002007-09-11T19:57:00.000-04:00OMG, EE! You were smokin' on this one!Malice of fo...OMG, EE! You were smokin' on this one!<BR/><BR/><I>Malice of forethought</I><BR/><I>unprotected city of Exterius</I><BR/>the whole MacGyver scene<BR/><BR/>I am SO glad I work from home and don't have to explain myself to my coworkers when I'm reading this blog.Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31135142100330322812007-09-11T19:54:00.000-04:002007-09-11T19:54:00.000-04:00Dave - three ursines? But it's FOUR bears.-mbDave - three ursines? But it's FOUR bears.<BR/><BR/>-mbAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-54998700932435758632007-09-11T19:53:00.000-04:002007-09-11T19:53:00.000-04:00You've gotten good advice here already about tight...You've gotten good advice here already about tightening, including fewer names, and never mentioning Paolini.<BR/><BR/>I wondered about the word "Vorare." Is Vorare a title rather than a first name? <BR/><BR/><I>she and her companions strive toward the promised haven of safety</I> What promised haven is that? The only mention before this is that the group is headed to find the mystery behind the disappearance of the dragons.<BR/><BR/>I would rather know WHY Durand, Dulce and Aliquantu are accompanying Caerulea on her quest than be told WHAT these people's races are. <BR/><BR/>The query says Caerulea learns how to fly and communicate on her own pretty quickly, but makes it seem like a big deal that she must learn how to use her innate magic on her own. It doesn't bother me so much that she doesn't know where her folk were taken since that all happened outside of "innate" experience, but the innate stuff should at least be consistent.<BR/><BR/>I have no idea what "protected city of Interius" means, who or what's protecting it, and why the characters or I should care. Is this the "promised haven of safety" I was confused about before? The answer scarcely matters because it really doesn't serve any purpose in this query and appears to be a story element that can be readily deleted to help shorten the letter.<BR/><BR/>Interesting that you say the Acui nation is doomed when the battle goes against Malus and he's forced to seek greater magic to win. This seems to be another instance where the authorial voice appears uncertain about what happens in the story. <BR/><BR/>I also wouldn't call this science fiction in any guise of the word. Even if your mechanic invents an atomic bomb, there's no mistaking this story for fantasy and, forgive me for being blunt, derivative fantasy at that. (Perhaps some day I'll trot out my first closet novel that features a group of diverse races battling a powerful, evil sorcerer and we can share a giggle...).<BR/><BR/>If there's something truly unique in your story, let's see it up front. Try crafting your query around that idea, and let us have another peek when you're done.Phoenix Sullivanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03290349031002504007noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-60852699085712193912007-09-11T17:26:00.000-04:002007-09-11T17:26:00.000-04:00Please, oh, please, don't mention Paolini in your ...Please, oh, please, don't mention Paolini in your query. If I were an editor I would have stopped there.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62669564549624945792007-09-11T16:44:00.000-04:002007-09-11T16:44:00.000-04:00forebears - forbearsIt's only an E's difference be...forebears - forbears<BR/>It's only an E's difference between three Ursines and parents! Gave me a giggle before dinner.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-51596557796637696632007-09-11T16:21:00.000-04:002007-09-11T16:21:00.000-04:00Add me to the list of "Vo-Ra-Re" singers.As for th...Add me to the list of "Vo-Ra-Re" singers.<BR/><BR/>As for the query, I agree that it would benefit from a tighter, clearer hook and description. <BR/><BR/>And I agree that those credits are best left out.Preciehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05071233480999640713noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-56372260294469960702007-09-11T16:05:00.000-04:002007-09-11T16:05:00.000-04:00I had the Volare song in my little GTP - but I thi...I had the Volare song in my little GTP - but I think my biggest GTP fault is that I write almost a story rather than a "tagline" kind of thing - hence the necessary excision.<BR/><BR/><BR/>So, is this query just about a synopsis, rather than a query?<BR/><BR/>If I had any good advice of my own to give, I'd give it. Since I don't - I like what Dave did with your story, for query purposes. And not a rhetorical question in sight.Robin S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/03258459688300851984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80623768055397095982007-09-11T16:02:00.000-04:002007-09-11T16:02:00.000-04:00My idea of the plot:Caerulea, the last dragon on C...<I>My idea of the plot:<BR/>Caerulea, the last dragon on Coelithia, is on a quest with the to find her forbears</I><BR/><BR/>You've got her confused with Goldilocks, Dave.<BR/><BR/>However, author, Dave makes a good point about the dragon's learning curve. And it might work better toward her character development if you show her gradually learning, even the basic dragon stuff, rather than being so powerful right out of the egg. For instance, while learning how to breathe fire, she could accidentally scorch her three companions, and then the MacGyver guy could laugh at the others because they're naked and he's not, having recently invented flame retardant clothing. Maybe it's just the query that makes it sound like she's born with all this knowledge. I dunno.<BR/><BR/>Can't remember the other point I was going to make, because I've got that friggin song stuck in my head.Blogless Trollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983848259551488867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-81557876307750842112007-09-11T14:50:00.000-04:002007-09-11T14:50:00.000-04:00I feel like I'm drowning in the names of a new wor...I feel like I'm drowning in the names of a new world. It's like taking a drink from a firehose. <BR/>That being said... <BR/><BR/>The last dragon is born with knowledge, the abiltiy to talk (communicate), and a certain amoung of magical ability. Obviously it grows so fast, it can defend itself with claw and fire within hours. (OK with me, but you see most things have a learning period)<BR/>It wants to find the other dragons and it doesn't know where they are? That's a question mark in my mind. A creature born with so many smarts is ignorant of the evil magician who imprisoned the rest of its species. Granted that self-defense might be built into the psyche. However, communication with the forest magicians, the water magicians, and the mechanic (not so magical human, I guess), requires a bit of explanation. I hope that's in the book. <BR/><BR/>Since this is YA (like Rowling and Paolini), it can work. <I>Interworld</I> by Gaimen and Reaves leaves much unanswered and is a satisfying read. <BR/><BR/>My idea of the plot: <BR/><I> Caerulea, the last dragon on Coelithia, is on a quest with the to find her forbears, the lost race of dragons. Accompanying her are magical craetures from forest, the water and the human race. Unknown to Caerulea, the magician, Malus Vorare, is stealing the dragon's magic to serve his own designs of world domination and enslavement. </I><BR/><BR/>I'm going to resist using the rhetorical <I>Can Caerulea</I>. Instead I'll add this<BR/><BR/><I> Caerulea's quest becomes more than a search for her dragon kin, she must defeat the magician and free the dragons from Malus's deathgrip. </I><BR/><BR/>And in the process how does she grow as a person? What does she achieve when she defeats Malus Vorare? Does she become "empress" of the dragons? Or does she go off to live a quiet life on amountain as a hermit contemplating dragonic navel? What is her motivation? <BR/><BR/>Now this probably a little lifeless for a query. But it's a start.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-48509091870991161772007-09-11T14:41:00.000-04:002007-09-11T14:41:00.000-04:00I'm and with anon 1:35 on the name. Can't help bu...I'm and with anon 1:35 on the name. Can't help but think of the song Volare. <BR/><BR/>Despite the plot that reminds me of the hated book by Mr. Paolini (itself highly derivative), yours sounds potentially workable. Not much to add after the other comments except it bugged me that you say this is the last dragon up top then inform the reader further down that your protag dragon isn't the last dragon. Sounds inconsistent of you the author even if that's what your protag thinks at the time.writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-8397672522246244192007-09-11T14:35:00.000-04:002007-09-11T14:35:00.000-04:00This could be a good story, but there are too many...This could be a good story, but there are too many details and way too many names to remember. What EE said is right about the plot.<BR/><BR/>I think what Anonymous 1:35 posted is a good starting point: Describe your plot in one sentence, and then go from there; don't add any subplots, and don't go into added layers of detail.<BR/><BR/>And, please, oh please, delete your credits paragraph. Editors and agents aren't going to care about awards you've won in high school competitions; the credits being looked for are for magazines that aren't produced by someone at your high school (like <I>Realms of Fantasy</I>, for example).<BR/><BR/>I hope that didn't sound too harsh. Good luck with it!<BR/><BR/>~jerseygirlNancy Beckhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06214579721075450777noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-27482250738585596282007-09-11T14:22:00.000-04:002007-09-11T14:22:00.000-04:00I'm in the synopses camp. **also begging**I though...I'm in the synopses camp. **also begging**<BR/><BR/>I thought Vorare meant something about eating everything in sight (it's what I had in my unchosen GTP).<BR/><BR/>Did you want Vorare to have a meaning?<BR/><BR/>I was confused with all the names. Perhaps focus on one or two and see what you can come up with.<BR/><BR/>Good luck!Chris Eldinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11794946908789120139noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59615987469811727602007-09-11T13:57:00.000-04:002007-09-11T13:57:00.000-04:00Since my own query has received nary a nibble, I d...Since my own query has received nary a nibble, I don't often comment on the queries of others. But when I read a well-written letter with few blue words, I think the author must be very close to getting it right, or else EE is having an "off" day. And from the MacGyver and Malus of forethought comments I can tell EE is on his game, so you must be getting most of it right.I'm not a fan of the genre, but your plot line rips right along(note EE's comments about too many names and TMI). Nit pick: seems as though you are overly fond of the comma, when a semi-colon would work better.<BR/><BR/><I>She is pursued by the enormous insect-like Steraspis within minutes of her lonely, confused birth</I><B>;</B> <I>teaches herself to fly, and comes face-to-face with a mysterious woman more comfortable beneath deep, unfathomable waters than above.</I><BR/><BR/><I>[in fact, I'm certain some of my favorite books were crap before you salvaged them,]</I><BR/><BR/>Whoo ee! you kill me!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-70965846603333218922007-09-11T13:35:00.000-04:002007-09-11T13:35:00.000-04:00I keep hearing, "Vo-ra-re...oh,oh; Cantare, oh-oh-...I keep hearing, "Vo-ra-re...oh,oh; Cantare, oh-oh-oh-oh..."<BR/><BR/>About the credits: maybe the author's banking on the publishing prejudice in favor of super-young writers, but this sounds like, "My mom thinks I'm really smart."<BR/><BR/>Also, what's an "allie?" Variant of ally? <BR/><BR/>One or more people here have advised reducing your story to one sentence that says it all. Then indulge in the luxury of adding three or four more sentences. Then stop. That's good advice.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76767710030305939852007-09-11T12:29:00.000-04:002007-09-11T12:29:00.000-04:00Malus of forethoughtLOL!!!!!!!SarahMalus of forethought<BR/><BR/>LOL!!!!!!!<BR/><BR/>SarahAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25329846736433153482007-09-11T12:19:00.000-04:002007-09-11T12:19:00.000-04:00Ok- this has to be a quickie- as I'm runnin out th...Ok- this has to be a quickie- as I'm runnin out the door in a minute- but had to say...<BR/><BR/>#1t's a lot more fun to write these GTPs than I thought it woud be, and<BR/><BR/>#2 PLEASE switch for a while to synopses. That would be great. Of course, then I might have to break down and actually write one, instead of toying with classic plots to see how they work. <BR/><BR/>Will begging help? Just checking.Robin S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/03258459688300851984noreply@blogger.com