tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post2491166476110365857..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Feedback RequestEvil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-28643903464307946252017-03-26T15:19:34.710-04:002017-03-26T15:19:34.710-04:00IMO this is a misguided story from the get-go. You...IMO this is a misguided story from the get-go. You're wanting to create a "genre" that simply isn't there.<br /><br />If you <b>must</b> go through with your genre, I suggest completely re-writing the story. Speaking as a gay man, the fact you have the straight guy(?) dominating the gay guy after said straight guy batters/assaults the gay guy makes me want to <i>not</i> read the story any further.<br /><br />You want to "corrupt" the straight guy (as seems to be a common trope in the community)? Make the "binding contract" be something else than a violent physical (and/or sexual, please don't do either of these) assault.<br /><br />Make it a gay wedding ceremony and Malek needs the green card. Which would turn the story into a comedy and not what you want. BUT it'd be more plausible and "nicer" than making a story out as "someone that I hate is someone that I eventually turned out to love. By the way, sorry for assaulting you. #lol #nohomo"<br /><br />Also like E.E. and a few other commentators are right: Your query is too long. Here's the blow-by-blow:<br /><br />Malek assaults Fred. Fred makes a binding contract with a few lawyers as retaliation to the assault. Malek agrees because it's either this or going to jail for many years. Over the course of a year Malek comes to search his feelings and finds that he actually may want a romance with Fred.<br /><br />However, conflict leads Fred breaking Malek's trust and (publicly?) embarassing Malek. Malek is a Iraqi and in Iraqi culture being a homosexual is a VERY BAD thing.<br /><br />Will Fred gain Malek's trust again? Will Malek come to accept his (possibly bi?)-sexuality? Find out in (title of book here).<br /><br /><i>Far, far</i> shorter than your submission. Gets to the point. Doesn't need extraneous details.<br /><br />But really, if you're going to have an assault you're going to have to <i>justify</i> why Fred would even bother with Malek AND not have Malek lose trust with Fred. Doing another thing like E.E. said would make me <i>never</i> want to have a relationship with that person. Just saying.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-17811275186352731902017-03-23T08:14:41.236-04:002017-03-23T08:14:41.236-04:00I would seriously never have guessed that you were...I would seriously never have guessed that you were not a native English speaker!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-34152872701658790412017-03-23T07:20:09.638-04:002017-03-23T07:20:09.638-04:00It sounds like Fred has a really great deal going ...It sounds like Fred has a really great deal going on: A relationship with the straight guy of his dreams, a new and brilliant inspiration for his paintings, money and indepedence. It's a long con over Malek, and he doesn't know how long he can keep pulling it off. There has to be a compelling reason why he would consider the art gallery exhibit and risk throwing it all away. Has this been his life-long dream? Will it lead to even greater and better opportunities? Otherwise you've got a character with poor motivation, making seemingly arbitrary decisions. <br /><br />If the stakes are the same no matter what decision he makes, then you've really got no story. No conflict. No character growth etc. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82859233814346375692017-03-22T04:22:18.304-04:002017-03-22T04:22:18.304-04:00This doesn't seem materially different from th...This doesn't seem materially different from the last one.St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-54390212953150460742017-03-21T22:47:53.043-04:002017-03-21T22:47:53.043-04:00Thank you as always, EE. And thank you to the comm...Thank you as always, EE. And thank you to the commentators. Seriously, the fact that you take time out of your day for lil' old me makes this Arab faggot's heart swell.<br />Love to America! hahahaha<br />On a serious note, I totally agree that the stakes are equal no matter which decision, what I want to highlight is that there is a pocket where Malek doesn't find out and Fred becomes more and more successful, which is the ideal scenario. With the extra money, he pampers Malek, which leads to more paintings so its a benevolent cycle. <br /><br />I took out the PhD part, as advised, and slashed what Malek looks/sounds like. I also combined those paragraphs before looking at the comments! Lol.<br /><br />I have read every posting on Query Shark. It is my next stop after abusing EE's vitriol gland. We Arabs are very keen on being considerate.<br /><br />I have trimmed this down further, and it's now at 378 words. I will let it sit for a few days before returning to it, adding final touches, and sending it to the Shark's lair. <br /><br />I hope to repay your gracious sass one day. Intesar Toufichttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10620592599888091918noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-15062452549280478282017-03-21T17:27:30.832-04:002017-03-21T17:27:30.832-04:00Back for more punishment, eh?
The query seems ove...Back for more punishment, eh?<br /><br />The query seems overly long to me. Check the requirements of the agents you're submitting to. Make sure you're not pissing them off by violating their precious word count. Some of the details you've written in really aren't adding to the query. It could be simpler and cleaner (you've read the Query Shark archives?).<br /><br />P2, for example. I would end this with, "the paintings are different from anything he's done before." <br /><br />I would move "Fred breaks this promise when he sells them to pay rent" to the beginning of P4. I would also combine P4 and P5. Something like,<br /><br />"Fred breaks this promise when he sells them to pay rent. The paintings sell like crazy. An art enthusiast offers Fred the gallery exhibit of his career. If Fred accepts, it would shatter Malek’s trust and thus his livelihood. If he declines, he would keep his Prince, but remain poor, unknown, and dependent upon his abusive father."<br /><br />Now that I look at this, in both cases Fred's livelihood is destroyed. That's not good. Change the stakes if Fred accepts: "It would shatter Malek's trust, and baby kittens would cry" or "Malek would shut him out forever." (It would shatter Malek's trust seems kind of obvious, no? Maybe so obvious you don't need to state it?)<br /><br />Cut out all mention of the tedious PhD. There's nothing duller than a whiny PhD candidate. I think if Fred is driven by desperate financial stakes, or even better a true passion for art, rather than by the need to escape his poor life choices, it makes him stronger as a character.<br /><br />Finally, I think you need to explicitly make the connect between Fred's sudden success and the fact that his subject is Malek. Maybe his buyers are also obsessed with Malek. Maybe Malek is his Zelda Fitzgerald; no Malek, no brilliance shining through his work, and no art career. Just a lonely future in his horrible father's basement, grading exams. Ugggghhh.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-68767697258469675402017-03-21T14:56:06.850-04:002017-03-21T14:56:06.850-04:00Can't he just alter the facial features in the...Can't he just alter the facial features in the paintings so Malek won't be recognized? Change the hair color, eye color, etc? Or does the gallery owner only want Malek in the paintings?khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.com