tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post2327497743884101588..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1289Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76498505613702926632015-12-13T06:51:52.612-05:002015-12-13T06:51:52.612-05:00You're focusing on the commune. This makes it ...You're focusing on the commune. This makes it seem like a small-scope story about a girl who is looking to move up in the hierarchy of a small commune but has been accused of something she didn't do. We might rightfully ask, so what?<br /><br />I've seen this a lot with writers. When writing a query they tend to bury the lede. They focus on a part of the story that makes it seem humdrum and mundane. I don't know why they do this. If you've written a book about saving humanity with global stakes, why are you telling us about a boring little commune and some kid who may or may not make Chief Dishwasher? Tell us what the story is actually about.<br />St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-73757461811986488972015-12-10T09:15:49.887-05:002015-12-10T09:15:49.887-05:00The very vast majority of hybrids (offspring of tw...The very vast majority of hybrids (offspring of two different species) are sterile. Like, we're talking millions to one.<br /><br />So if these aliens are not humans, they may be able to get down with humans and have babies, but the babies won't have babies.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-11085904935392376992015-12-08T15:59:07.102-05:002015-12-08T15:59:07.102-05:00The design of your world, for the most part, doesn...The design of your world, for the most part, doesn't need to be elaborated upon, especially when it makes the reader spend all their time wondering how things came to be that way. Focus on the story, which looks like it starts in paragraph 2.<br /><br />We need enough details to understand the stakes. All I understand about your plot can be reduced to:<br /><br />Maya's friend stole stuff. Maya wants to prove she didn't help so her community will give her a place in the hierarchy. Maya has secrets that can jeopardize her world.<br /><br />Even there, I don't know enough about the community to understand if the place she wants is something she'd normally have if her friend didn't steal stuff, if it's a position she'd normally be obtaining, or if it's something she wanted and this is just one more road bump. If the story is about her place in her community, elaborate, otherwise focus more on what the story is about.<br /><br />Telling an agent there are secrets doesn't help them. There are secrets in nearly every YA girl-saves-the-world book out there. They usually have to do with the girl saving the world. The agent needs to know if the story is that she found a live nuclear warhead or if she's the next goddess of fruit. You'll notice the story is going to be very different depending on which answer is correct. That's why the agent needs to know.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-42970820704567831042015-12-08T13:01:36.963-05:002015-12-08T13:01:36.963-05:00How old is Maya? I'm guessing mid to late teen...How old is Maya? I'm guessing mid to late teens since this is a YA novel, but it might help to actually know.<br /><br />Do we need the parents in the query? They leave for the unstated pleasures of Gliesian society and are never mentioned again. It might be important that they aren't around if you need to explain why she's on her own for this story. Knowing her age might help. But with a small, close knit, fledgling commune, she probably has other adults to look out for her beyond her biological parents. <br /><br />The stakes are odd. If Maya can't prove that she didn't help her friend steal supplies from the commune, she won't be able to take her rightful place in the commune hierarchy? What does that mean? What IS the commune hierarchy (aside from "elders" and "everyone else") and what is Maya's place in it? Maya not getting some rank that I didn't know she was going to and therefore don't care about seems irrelevant anyway when you start talking about a secret that might get her kicked out of the commune altogether.<br /><br />"But" doesn't make sense at the start of paragraph 3, unless you make it clear that the process of proving that she is loyal to the commune and didn't help her friend steal the commune's last can of Who hash might reveal these secrets.<br /><br />You don't have time to contradict yourself in a query. Just say Maya has two secrets to begin with.<br /><br />The whole final paragraph gets very vague. An agent or editor is going to want to know if the majority of the book is about Maya in the commune trying to protect her secrets while she's on trial, Maya confronting the Gleisians with whatever she knows and starting a war between the aliens and the last surviving humans, or something else. Secrets might sound enticing, but a query reader wot know if the big secret is that Maya is half Gleissian or that Maya stole the world's last Twinkie while her friend was making off with the commune's supplies. You're asking somebody to believe you have an ace - or two aces in this case, but they could start to wonder if all you really have is a three.<br />InkAndPixelClubhttp://ladiesofcomicazi.comnoreply@blogger.com