tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post2211665697226490530..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1157Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-40125039362321578272013-10-02T11:37:05.695-04:002013-10-02T11:37:05.695-04:00Hi author,
19's cool. I guess I was thinking ...Hi author, <br />19's cool. I guess I was thinking she was either 14, or really older--as per my first comments. <br /><br />Love to see a revision. <br /><br />Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-55699200125629154082013-10-01T10:32:50.142-04:002013-10-01T10:32:50.142-04:00Hey everyone thanks so much for all of the feedbac...Hey everyone thanks so much for all of the feedback! I definitely have a lot to work on and I'm going to post the revised draft soon, would love further comments on that. As for the pedo question, she's 19. :) But perhaps I'll rethink the age difference thing all together. <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-520518876919054012013-09-30T22:45:47.808-04:002013-09-30T22:45:47.808-04:00Alaska---"boy is launching world's slowes...Alaska---"boy is launching world's slowest revolution" indubitably. <br /><br />I'm hoping Adrial is at least *close* to age of consent. The whole XIV thing is creeping me out. Read an urban fantasy this summer cough-Iced-cough where two immortal males were "appreciating" the 14 y/o female protag's, ahem, assets. <br />Double Ick with a side of barf. <br /><br />Love KMM, but that really felt wholly out-of-bounds.<br /><br />Note to author: nix pedo-vibe, stat!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-23603198747489969442013-09-30T21:18:09.647-04:002013-09-30T21:18:09.647-04:00Hi Author,
This really does not apply to the quer...Hi Author,<br /><br />This really does not apply to the query. But have you addressed the effect of very long life in the novel. If a soldier is paid 20,000 per annum and saves just 1% (200/yr) invested to earn just 5%/yr, then after 100 years his investment income is 25,000 per annum. After 150 years it’s over 300,000 per annum. At 300 years, the investment income is 500 million per year. Does this army of yours consist of a million young healthy Warren Buffitts? Long before 300 years, they can buy the entire universe, fire the ruling council, and have enough left for a multiverse block party.<br /><br />The novel must address this somehow. Vampire writes know old vampires are rich but don’t accumulate too much or they attract unwanted attention. Science fiction writers have also addressed the problems of excessive wealth for the long lived. But yours are still employed as ordinary soldiers. What gives? Why would anybody work for somebody else, and at low wages, after becoming one of the extremely wealthy?<br />Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-57495996571294334472013-09-30T19:39:15.043-04:002013-09-30T19:39:15.043-04:00A query like this raises more questions than it ca...A query like this raises more questions than it can possibly answer, given its limited space.<br /><br />What is the old trauma? What does he see in her that makes him sure he can team with her successfully? Has he tried others, but failed? Is he still alive because he uses other people for his plots? And so on.<br /><br />So you have to answer enough questions that the ones remaining will make me want to read the book instead of tossing the query.<br />khazar-khumnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53903191811056604602013-09-30T19:23:25.289-04:002013-09-30T19:23:25.289-04:00Veronica-- several hundred years. An equivalent mi...Veronica-- <i>several</i> hundred years. An equivalent might be if the Brits were, at this moment, trying to overthrow Henry VIII. <br /><br />They could be twittering about it.<br /><br />OMG am so sick of #HenryVIII #wifekiller.AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62279367350574539102013-09-30T19:18:49.551-04:002013-09-30T19:18:49.551-04:00My first thought was that Adriel XIV was a planet....My first thought was that Adriel XIV was a planet. That aside:<br /><br />1st paragraph: Conflict is established as Everybody Wants teh Youth Potion.<br /><br />2nd paragraph: Several plot-lines appear. 1) Slum kid fightin' for a chance. 2)Girl meets boy. 3) Kid comes face to face with the Big Lie.<br /><br />3rd paragraph: Being a soldier ain't pretty.<br /><br />4th paragraph: 1. Girl finds out boy is actually older than Edward Cullen. 2. Boy is launching world's slowest revolution.<br /><br />5th paragraph. Girl must make a (presumably terrible?) choice.<br /><br />You see, this is going off in too many different directions. In all the plot points I've just listed, there doesn't seem to be a unifying element. Is the rest of the plot just a vehicle for a romance? If so, follow the romance thread. Is it all about Edward-- er, Dailen? If so, follow him all the way through. Is it about Adriel Quatorze's terrible choice? If so, then focus on that and make it clear to us exactly what the Terrible Choice is. (As it stands, it is not clear.)<br /><br />In other words, reduce the novel to a single sentence under 20 words in length, and build the query around that.<br /><br /><br /><br />AlaskaRavenclawnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30872963767401403362013-09-30T15:18:11.808-04:002013-09-30T15:18:11.808-04:00Hi author,
I'm having a bit of trouble underst...Hi author,<br />I'm having a bit of trouble understanding the query.<br />How old is Adriel? Is she a teen? Because having "striven for her place" for years makes it sound as if she's older, and again trading her service for "youth and a purpose" sounds like something an older person might do.<br /><br />See, a starving young girl/woman would join the fight for 3 squares and a safe place to sleep. Eternal youth is kinda not on the radar when you're trying to survive, so the stakes seem off, for me, in that regard.<br /><br />Also, I kinda get an Ick Factor over young girl + battle-hardened semi-immortal. You're gonna need to show me this ain't pervy. Again, age of YA protag might set my reservations aside.<br /><br />What is the deal with Ageless? They only give it to some of the recruits? How many missions must one survive in order to be deemed worthy? <br /><br />No offense, but if I'd been waiting a couple hundred years to overthrow my oppressors I seriously doubt I'm gonna pin my coup to an untried teen female. It seems...foolhardy. What else does Adrial have going for her that makes her THE ONE?<br /><br />I'm not all in, but I could be. Revise this w/logical descriptive statements. Get rid of the perv-factor. Also, the false choice ending is weak stakes. Fix that. Nobody wants a heroine who joins the dark side. And nobody believes she'd seriously consider it. So, tell us how she doesn't want to take The Cure and what happens when she doesn't. I smell oppression...Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18159799725109784001noreply@blogger.com