tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post1801059028052426240..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 744Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-25395385354839449052010-03-24T00:21:19.891-04:002010-03-24T00:21:19.891-04:00*Echoes the previous advice given by the other min...*Echoes the previous advice given by the other minions*<br /><br />Also, thanks 150 for the time period clarification. I think it could be stated outright. I don't think that would take away from the query itself. <br /><br />Please try a rewrite, author, as this query was quite confusing.<br /><br />Word ver: psted, as in: Yesterday, when I was trying to get Matt's attention during lecture, I psted at him since he was only one row away.Xiexiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02265895952183646895noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-33352047058908731572010-03-22T20:23:43.395-04:002010-03-22T20:23:43.395-04:00I know from your comments elsewhere that this is s...I know from your comments elsewhere that this is supposed to have a Victorian-type setting. I'm just throwing that out there in case someone has a good idea of how to incorporate that.150noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76336673625221000892010-03-22T18:49:58.010-04:002010-03-22T18:49:58.010-04:00I agree with most of what's been written alrea...I agree with most of what's been written already. Especially with "Gallows Hill" -- great title for a book--terrible name for a "safe" house.<br /><br />As for the lighting the tie on fire....I'm imagining maybe she did it with some sort of spell or accidental telekinesis that exposed her as a witch? This would be important to clarify. Also that whole series of events from why she'd be sentenced to death to why she'd be granted bail for being a socialite doesn't make sense as written.<br /><br />Slow things down and don’t be afraid of revealing too much.Stephen Prosapiohttp://www.prosapio.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-60004541421750315762010-03-22T18:47:59.320-04:002010-03-22T18:47:59.320-04:00I'm making a guess that a witch's tourniqu...I'm making a guess that a witch's tourniquet is the hangman's noose. You might want to make that clear in the 'sentenced to death' bit, if so. <br />Personally I think setting the tie on fire is a nice quirky opening, but it sets up an expectation of humour (gallows humour?) that the rest of the query doesn't seem to bear out. So you might want to consider what tone you're trying to set. <br />Word ver is 'venertio' - enertia in Venice?batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-62717255966137618862010-03-22T14:44:53.994-04:002010-03-22T14:44:53.994-04:00I agree, Gallows Hill would be a much cooler title...I agree, Gallows Hill would be a much cooler title.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-76161878368748803792010-03-22T14:34:48.516-04:002010-03-22T14:34:48.516-04:00I have to say what everyone else is saying,
1. S...I have to say what everyone else is saying, <br /><br />1. Setting needs to be explained. It sounded like a paranormal/modern horror and then it wasn't when it sounded like we find witches all the time and have a special place for them - if they're rich enough to get bailed out. <br />2. Regardless of the setting there has to be some logic with the crime and punishment. If you are sentenced to death by the governor what is the chances you can get bailed out? I would think 0 to none. Maybe she was bailed out and then put into hiding. . . so she is now a fugitive? <br /><br />Whatever the case may be it needs to be explained. I don't think it will matter much if you're a socialite. . . .now maybe if you were the president's daughter. <br />3. Galllows Hill is like calling an insane asylum Straightjaket Island or Zombie-Time Hospital. Or a prison, Gangland Jail or You're all Gonna Die Here Prison. Just isn't that comforting, as previously noted and doesn't so much foreshadow what is to come as it makes the reader go . . .WTF? Why would anyone make a safehouse called Gallows Hill? Make it . . . hmm, You're safe now. . . that would foreshadow something bad is about to happen better. <br />4. Why her? Why is she being stalked by the Shadowmen? Is it because of the cross, her family, just simple bad luck, she's chosen or any witch who accidentally sets the governor's tie on fire and escapes a death sentence attracts the attention of the baddies and thus is forced to help them as they plan her execution? <br /><br />Anyway just a few things that made me go, Huh? This isn't good for a query, it should make me go, "oh cool!" Or "wow" . . .but not "eh?".<br /><br />P.S. EE is right if you are an evil being, (vampire, werewolf, witch, zombie, harpie - we need a good harpie story), the writer needs to explain why the reader should not want the leading lady dead. Now a writer can pull out the misunderstood card, racial predjudice cliche, only some of us are bad explanation, never knew I was suppose to be bad, but ain't trump, I've changed my ways, I'll never be that way, I'll hunt rats first . . . or whatever the case may be but really . .. tell me why I don't want your heroine dead - she's evil (witch), she has no control of her powers and if she can set the governor's tie on fire what is she going to do to my neighborhood? Oh and you know, even if she isn't evil and plans nothing evil . . . why should I believe her? Because hey if I could do magic . . . I get to be the queen with minions, alot of them, think really bad dude on steroids. And so . . . why didn't she get herself out of jail?vkwnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-4456173673415659792010-03-22T13:56:49.155-04:002010-03-22T13:56:49.155-04:00I agree with Sarah from Hawthorne - I'm sure t...I agree with Sarah from Hawthorne - I'm sure this all makes sense to you, but it's not clear to me. For a start, why does this Shadowman warn Alice about the cross, then try to kill her? It doesn't make sense - unless there's something else going on in the story that you haven't told us about.<br /><br />And why does setting someone's tie on fire mean you're a witch? And who exactly are these Shadowmen and what have they got against Alice? They seem to be the main antagonists... I think... so we need to know what their motivations are. And what does this "hellish cross" have to do with anything?<br /><br />(And why would you call a safe house "Gallows Hill", anyway? As comforting names go, it's right up there with the Martin Bormann Daycare Centre.)<br /><br />Anyway. I'd suggest rewriting this, with a view to linking together the logic of the plot - describing, not only what happens, but <i>why</i> it happens. That will make it much less perplexing.<br /><br />(Does the tourniquet in the title ever get explained?)Steve Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09836762265698458170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-67859175050797701172010-03-22T13:15:37.918-04:002010-03-22T13:15:37.918-04:00Author, this is a classic case of what is clear in...Author, this is a classic case of what is clear in your head not coming through on the page. I too was confused as to the time period and location. Witch trials suggest colonial America or Dark Ages Europe, but socialites and getting out on bail suggest a more modern, urban setting.<br /><br />I agree with Matthew. We need more info on what the Shadowmen want and what the cross does. I'd also like to know a bit more about Alice and how she stands up to the forces arrayed against her.<br /><br />Good luck!Sarah from Hawthornehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18101180307355549946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-11420102921086899752010-03-22T11:05:19.871-04:002010-03-22T11:05:19.871-04:00Gallows Hill is a better title than Witch Tourniqu...Gallows Hill is a better title than Witch Tourniquet.<br /><br />There are a lot of needless words and phrases that slow this query down: downtrodden, to worsen matters, tired of nightmares and seeking a new purpose in life, as well.<br /><br />The opening paragraph raises questions. It might be better to just say...<br /><br />"After seventeen-year-old Alice Sheraton is discovered to be a witch, she flees to Gallows Hill, a mansion thought to be safeguarded by the souls of dead witches, only..."<br /><br />The reason why the witches want to kill Alice must be revealed. The purpose of the cross should be mentioned too.Matthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07681932402948885690noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65116932683746446112010-03-22T10:22:22.257-04:002010-03-22T10:22:22.257-04:00Hi. I've been lurking awhile. :)
I thought W...Hi. I've been lurking awhile. :)<br /><br />I thought Witch Tourniquet sounded interesting, but I was a bit confused on the setting. The mention of the governor's tie had me picturing modern times, but the fact that the heroine gets a death sentence for witchcraft sounds more Colonial or Middle Ages. Is the setting America, or somewhere in Europe? <br /><br />Another question: what is her father's connection to Gallow's Hill? Is there some kind of family curse, or is it just rotten luck that she attracted the attention of all these Shadowmen? <br /><br />Thanks for sharing the query. That must take a lot of courage.Chicorynoreply@blogger.com