tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post1593462448812784012..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 368Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-59699543291384746082007-07-03T23:29:00.000-04:002007-07-03T23:29:00.000-04:00You're rocking tonight, pjd! *giggle*You're rocking tonight, pjd! *giggle*Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-90311399731572056822007-07-03T19:27:00.000-04:002007-07-03T19:27:00.000-04:00As somebody's comment suggested, "what about 911?"...<I>As somebody's comment suggested, "what about 911?" Well, the MC's prevented from calling for outside help by the casino folks. Which leads him to dig into what's going on.</I><BR/><BR/>I'm with phoenix and pulp. I still don't buy it. Even though many casinos jam cell phone signals (or used to). Is he also prevented from <I>leaving</I> the casino? Do they throw him into a back room?<BR/><BR/>An ER doc I know was explaining the liability of being a good Samaritan with a medical license. If you help someone, you take on the liability of the person as your patient (might vary from state to state). While all the doctors I know do have people's health foremost in their minds, not a one would sneak into the back of a casino, actively walking into a dangerous situation, to try to help a stranger that is already under another doctor's care.<BR/><BR/><I>MUCH</I> more believable would be for the MC to shrug his shoulders, walk out of the casino, and call a colleague he knows at the conference:<BR/><BR/>"Hey, Larry, strange thing happened here at The Stone. This guy was flopping around like a fish, and the casino doctor didn't seem too worried."<BR/><BR/>"The Stone? You dog, you're playing hookey."<BR/><BR/>"So sue me. Anyway, this guy looked really bad."<BR/><BR/>"Probably allergic to something. You think?"<BR/><BR/>"I don't think so... he had all these pinprick brui--"<BR/><BR/>"Yeah, yeah. Hey, I saw Danielle in one of the lectures. She was looking for you."<BR/><BR/>"... oh, yeah?"<BR/><BR/>"Remember that conference in Chicago?"<BR/><BR/>"... oh, yeah!"<BR/><BR/>"So the four of us are going out tonight."<BR/><BR/>"Cool."<BR/><BR/>"Unless you're planning on sneaking into the back of the casino to investigate that fish guy."<BR/><BR/>"Who?"PJDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05028687955957107957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-37687517329734958362007-07-03T14:35:00.000-04:002007-07-03T14:35:00.000-04:00I'm not sure where the vampires got in...of course...I'm not sure where the vampires got in...of course, they sneak in through the merest crack. Could the minions have vampires on the brain?<BR/><BR/>Even after reading your explanation of Graham's motivation, I don't get why he's compelled to investigate. It needs something. Maybe he's a Dr. Quincy-type medical investigator by training and nature, with a history of terrier-like tenacity. Maybe there's some personal reason. Maybe before dropping dead, Fareed dropped some hints. Maybe the fate of the world is at stake, or maybe Graham is outraged by the uncaring physician because this triggers something in Graham's psyche. Something.<BR/><BR/>pulpAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-23521628709142512622007-07-03T12:56:00.000-04:002007-07-03T12:56:00.000-04:00Well, the MC's prevented from calling for outside ...<I>Well, the MC's prevented from calling for outside help by the casino folks.</I><BR/><BR/>OK, OK... I KNOW you've got this worked out in the ms, but my immediate reaction to that is, "huh?" The guy can SNEAK down into the bowels of the casino itself, but he's prevented from making a surreptitious call on his cell phone? Or someone else's cell phone if his is taken away?<BR/><BR/>Also, are you SURE the agent requested the gushing stuff? Or were they in their guidelines describing the type of hook/query they want to see? Many agents say they want to see inside cover or back flap copy style writing as part of the query. However, this generally means they want you to describe your <I>characters and storyline</I> in an exciting, grabby way since query copy is often used by the agent to hook the editor who uses it to hook the publisher who passes it on to the marketing department, ad infinitum. The gushy stuff about the writing or "thrill-a-minute" editorializing is not generally an expectation. <BR/><BR/>Now, zippy copy about where the plot takes the characters from and to and to is quite acceptable (and you'll note EE left that in his revise). <BR/><BR/>While we minions are extremely guilty about passing judgement on the STORY rather than the QUERY (hey, I'm raising my guilty hand on this one, too), you'll note that EE concentrated on the issues with the query. "Too many trivial details" in a query are what usually start the minions (and perhaps an agent) making assumptions about the story and perceived problems with it. Try leaving out anything (such as your skeptical detective) that could possibly raise a question. Which is a fine balancing act because you probably included the detective to try to staunch questions about why the doctor doesn't go to the cops with his concerns.<BR/><BR/>But really, if you keep the details a bit vague, include only the highlights, and write the query with a tone as crisp as ice-cold celery, you'll pass muster with the agents. EE's revise is a great start.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-30687696949702170542007-07-03T10:17:00.000-04:002007-07-03T10:17:00.000-04:00Thanks everyone for the comments. As you're likel...Thanks everyone for the comments. As you're likely more aware than I, the whole process of getting a M.S. out the door requires a whole different set of skills, so this forum's been a useful look into the sausage factory of query writing.<BR/><BR/>First and foremost, this book has zero to do with vampires or the paranormal, so my query obviously missed the mark. <BR/><BR/>As for the "back flap" gushing, it appalled even me, yet I was curious to see how it would be received. (I had one agent ask to include such material along with a synopsis.) <BR/><BR/>W/r/t the actual plot, I hate to sing the tired song of "but see, you just gotta read it." Which is to say, the query needs to flesh that out. But the MC's motivation is that he's seen a person go to ground, a very sick person at that, and he can't get a satisfactory answer for how/why/and how he's being cared for. As somebody's comment suggested, "what about 911?" Well, the MC's prevented from calling for outside help by the casino folks. Which leads him to dig into what's going on.<BR/><BR/>Thanks very much. Comments are hugely helpful.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-71058703060453096882007-07-03T08:19:00.000-04:002007-07-03T08:19:00.000-04:00'I believe that should be "hanged like a war crimi...'I believe that should be "hanged like a war criminal..."'<BR/><BR/>Actually, I believe 'hung' accurately tells us what she was trying to say... Don't make me spell it out...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-36532317833147191632007-07-03T08:15:00.000-04:002007-07-03T08:15:00.000-04:00"plus it allows him to add a twist of lime..." Oh..."plus it allows him to add a twist of lime..." Oh, that's precious in the best sense of the word. ROFL!<BR/><BR/>Okay, starting with EE's revision, which made so much more sense and made me want to read the book: Something is missing in the plot as presented. I think it's a disconnect between the medical doctor aspect and the vampire aspect. Or, as EE asks, why is this a medical thriller? Not sure you need the doctor. If you just have the protag be Joe Citizen who isn't a doctor, it works just as well and doesn't give a red herring that dangles throughout the book.<BR/><BR/>I think this sounds interesting. However, I believe you need to clarify what's with the truthectomy on Palindrome. That seems to be the key issue and the earlier stuff is still part of the hook. Lots of stuff happen after they find the back room. <BR/><BR/>One thing though. If you really do have vampires or supernatural elements in here, you should know that I've read at least three series lately that have vampires or paranormal beings in Vegas. It's getting pretty crowded in that town...writtenwyrddhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02280711822302493122noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-69001474669894762352007-07-03T00:24:00.000-04:002007-07-03T00:24:00.000-04:00The main characters seem too randomly chosen for t...The main characters seem too randomly chosen for this to work. Their fates are totally independent. What does it matter to the waitress what becomes of ol' Fareed? He's just another hapless guy she never even met and he wouldn't be the first to go Vegas just to crash on the carpet and die. People keel over and die on vacation all the time. You soon get gallows humor about it if you work around tourists, you don't get all excited about plots involving supernatural basement denizens. It would work much better if your chosen sleuths actually cared deeply about the Fareed before he ended up on the carpet. They need to anticipate suffering some dire concequence or tragic heartbreak if all goes wrong with him. Otherwise, why bother? <BR/><BR/>Plus, they're not isolated and on their own, it's a modern urban setting. I have this feeling that a quick solution to their troubles at virtually every point would be to call 911 and get the usual loud response from Police and Fire. If it was a lone casino lost in the desert some place, maybe. In the heart of Vegas, this is a difficult scheme to sell.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-50326808426036241492007-07-02T20:40:00.000-04:002007-07-02T20:40:00.000-04:00Now if this were about Gregory House, I'd be all o...Now if this were about Gregory House, I'd be all over it like Evil Editor on bacon.<BR/><BR/>You could change the doctor's name to Stone, and then have him be diabetic. That works with your title.<BR/><BR/>*clears out his desk and leaves in disgrace*Peter Damienhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17450924500401351569noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-80583791486223275012007-07-02T19:41:00.000-04:002007-07-02T19:41:00.000-04:00...it may well be hung like a war criminal...I bel...<I>...it may well be hung like a war criminal...</I><BR/><BR/>I believe that should be "<I>hanged</I> like a war criminal..."<BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/>j/k -- don't hit me.<BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/><BR/>But it should be, really....Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-41077807006309124702007-07-02T18:07:00.000-04:002007-07-02T18:07:00.000-04:00This is a really, really good group of GTPs. Can't...This is a really, really good group of GTPs. Can't pick a favorite.<BR/><BR/>"Be with you in a minute, Fareed; I'm having trouble deciding if I should be in a Windsor or a Four-in-hand when the CSI film crew gets here", and others...(the meaty one especially).. but, no, wait, there's another one..." "Palindrome, for those who haven't guessed, is, in fact, Count Dracucard". Damn, these are good.<BR/><BR/>Author- Like this: "the speed and ceremony of sweeping up a broken cocktail glass, leaving Graham stunned, concerned, and more than a little curious about what happened to his new acquaintance"<BR/><BR/>This one, however -- "With dialogue as crisp as an ice-cold martini and a plot that snaps like a new playing card against the felt" belongs, in my opinion, to someone else to say. Color me in love with (at least the pretense of) humble, but I really feel this is over the top for a description of your own prose. It may well be amazing, it may well be hung like a war criminal, (and if it is, good for you and congrats, by the way), but I'd rather someone else tell me all about that part. <BR/><BR/>That said (I hate that phrase, but it works this time), I'd probably enjoy reading this, as long as the prose wasn't higher than a kite on hyperbole.Robin S.https://www.blogger.com/profile/03258459688300851984noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-12327952970560854502007-07-02T17:05:00.000-04:002007-07-02T17:05:00.000-04:00I just cringe when a writer announces how wonnerfu...I just cringe when a writer announces how wonnerful, wonnerful his novel is.<BR/>Excellent backcover copy. But.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-88225821331149345712007-07-02T16:43:00.000-04:002007-07-02T16:43:00.000-04:00GTP #3 is so cruel. Nothing is more painful than p...GTP #3 is so cruel. Nothing is more painful than passing kidney stones and flesh-eating kidney stones doubly so. . . As for GTP #6, my Brit friends tell me you only have to lick Keith Richards to get high. Personally, I won't let my lips or tongue even touch a prune. Wrinkly, wrinkly, wrinkly...<BR/><BR/>I lost myself to giggles when "Mr. Darling, the meaty director of casino security." It was lunch time and I was hungry and "meaty" souds like Dinty Moore in a polyester suit with canapes and party favors. <BR/><BR/>I think the author has too much backstory. I'd rename the book "Diced and Bloody" just to be vampirically lurid. There are lots of vampire novels out there. They all have lurid descriptions of the action. <BR/><BR/><I>When a stranger collapses next to Young Surgeon Graham Furgusen at Stone's Casino, he finds himself drawn behind the seedy, facade of the casino. There, he discovers a blood-curdling secret about the casino owner who only wants his blood.</I><BR/><BR/>Or something like that. Keep it short and sweet.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53762667705817933232007-07-02T16:39:00.000-04:002007-07-02T16:39:00.000-04:00I agree with pjd. Maybe the "intriguing conversati...I agree with pjd. Maybe the "intriguing conversation" the MC has with Fareed solves the motivation problem, but it's not working in the query. <BR/><BR/>Plus, through no fault of the author's, I always read the name Karen in the voice of Sheldon J. Plankton. So I got distracted for a while, inserting him into the story as Mr. Palindrome. <BR/><BR/>Maybe if you gave the MC a better reason for being there, rather than just being you in disguise, this would work better.Blogless Trollhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03983848259551488867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31381044639701834142007-07-02T15:32:00.000-04:002007-07-02T15:32:00.000-04:00No comments? I guess everyone else is also having...No comments? I guess everyone else is also having a difficult time coming up with something to say.<BR/><BR/>I was certain this was going to be GTP #3.<BR/><BR/>Two things sort of threw this for me. First, I don't understand what besides curiosity drives Graham to delve into what happened to Fareed. The natural thing I think most people would do is go to a different casino. If both the casino physician and the head of security tell me to back off, I not only back off but take off. That's way more aggravation than I need, and after all there's a doctor there. Either something fishy is going on and I don't want any part of it since it's funded by an organization that gets multiple millions in revenue per day, or nothing fishy is going on and I might be in a place where I could end up gasping on the ground with a nonchalant physician looking over me. Either way, I'm gone.<BR/><BR/>Second, I had to wrinkle my nose at the line, "With the help of Karen, a waitress with a penchant for making him blush, Graham slips behind the façade of the casino in search of Fareed." First, the word facade seems out of place. I know what you're attempting, but a facade is a fake front, and it appears The Stone is a very real casino. Second, I see no motivation for Karen to put herself on the line in this situation. To help Graham to break through security in the casino, she would have to have an incredibly strong motivation. I'm thinking someone kidnapped her child, or she's essentially some sort of slave to the bosses.<BR/><BR/>I just don't get why these people do what they do. This seems to be a case of normal people doing abnormal things so the author can have this thrilling plot.PJDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05028687955957107957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-18740991925892941062007-07-02T15:25:00.000-04:002007-07-02T15:25:00.000-04:00People still in medical school, not even yet resid...People still in medical school, not even yet residents, can write high quality journal articles as well as textbook chapters. One doesn't need to have full skills as a practicing surgeon to be have strong knowledge of a certain specialty. Journal articles and chapters are then reviewed by other specialists and suggestions or revision or rejection are made. You and your doctors will be in fine shape.pacatruehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04125048243775811714noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-43366079033877296022007-07-02T15:12:00.000-04:002007-07-02T15:12:00.000-04:00Glad to see the "Also, a vampire" lines are still ...Glad to see the "Also, a vampire" lines are still alive and well. Or should I say, "undead"?<BR/><BR/>Man, I feel like such an outsider.<BR/><BR/>-V95Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-3379241175925017202007-07-02T12:12:00.000-04:002007-07-02T12:12:00.000-04:00Wow, a surgical resident is already writing textbo...Wow, a surgical resident is already writing textbook chapters? I hope none of my doctors used that textbook.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com