tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post1509444920026807986..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 1397Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-5964457151966793522020-05-01T23:39:52.665-04:002020-05-01T23:39:52.665-04:00I will second EE’s comment about the second pitch!...I will second EE’s comment about the second pitch! Good job, author.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-35737817029148751492020-04-30T17:10:43.685-04:002020-04-30T17:10:43.685-04:00The 2nd pitch is clearly about your book. I'd ...The 2nd pitch is clearly about your book. I'd include his last name.Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-64706814049890613552020-04-30T16:56:35.234-04:002020-04-30T16:56:35.234-04:00Thanks a lot, Evil Editor and commenters. Yes, I c...Thanks a lot, Evil Editor and commenters. Yes, I could keep Castor’s voice snarky even in third person. I could rewrite the query in third person and see how it sounds.<br /><br />I’m also trying for a short pitch or Book Hook. What do you think of this:<br /><br />An intrigue-ridden palace. A strife-torn kingdom. A noble prince. Treacherous courtiers. Mystery and mayhem. Death and danger. Love and laughter.<br /><br />Or do you prefer this:<br /><br />Castor wise-cracks his way through palace politics, intrigue, and danger to save the life of a prince who has won the heart of the girl Castor loves.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-57593062212086010432020-04-29T12:27:50.153-04:002020-04-29T12:27:50.153-04:00FWIW, barring actual flames and a tendency towards...FWIW, barring actual flames and a tendency towards puns, I would think a person was more attracted to someone they called "a hottie" than someone they described as "beautiful," regardless of gender. "Hottie" is a more approachable word.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-2866305543196872502020-04-28T09:10:20.383-04:002020-04-28T09:10:20.383-04:00Your rewritten lines are all fine.
I don't s...Your rewritten lines are all fine. <br /><br />I don't see how changing the query to 3rd person prevents you from displaying a snarky voice. The agent will probably want you to include some number of pages from the book, anyway.<br /><br />If Castor knows Kaya, he can describe her as his crush or his classmate or whoever she is to him. If he knows nothing about her, then her looks are obviously all he has to go on, cliche or not.<br /><br />I assume it wasn't your query that your beta readers were advising you on. Surely you wouldn't show your query to your beta readers and to Evil Editor, and choose their advice over EE's?Evil Editorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-31763663510542261142020-04-28T03:36:18.693-04:002020-04-28T03:36:18.693-04:00Thanks a lot, Evil Editor and Anonymous. Initially...Thanks a lot, Evil Editor and Anonymous. Initially I did indicate Nikhil was handsome too, but someone told me it sounded odd that a straight guy would comment like that on how another guy looks.<br /><br />I could include it after all. What do you think of these rewritten lines that take a couple of Evil Editor’s suggestions:<br /> <br />Sure, travel broadens the mind, but couldn't she have teleported me to the balmy Bahamas instead of a dingy dungeon in another universe? Girls.<br /><br />Said dungeon held the right royal haughty hottie, Crown Prince Nikhil of Jandan.<br /><br />OR:<br /><br />Said dungeon held the haughty hottie, Crown Prince Nikhil of Jandan.<br /><br />***<br /><br />Re the suggestion to change to third person present, the novel is written in first person, and my beta readers have loved Castor’s snarky voice. I wanted to give that voice in the query.<br /><br />But i’ll study Evil Editor’s comments again and consider them. And i’ll post again soon with a question I have. Thanks!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84561469638982899372020-04-27T18:47:42.510-04:002020-04-27T18:47:42.510-04:00Query letters are business letters. From what I&#...Query letters are business letters. From what I've seen on agents' web sites, I'll echo EE's suggestion that you change to third person present for it.<br /><br />It might be a good idea to hint at why there is a portal in your story. There are a lot of portal stories in the slush piles that never make it to the shelves because there is no reason. If the story can take place entirely in your alternate universe, it probably should do so.<br /><br />The way the plot summary part ends, I'm left wondering why Castor stays involved if the only reason he was involved was for the girl and it turns out she wants someone else. Is he still trying to win her? Is he so involved with the politics he can't extricate himself? Does he have any interest in returning to his world? What is his ultimate goal?<br /><br />I'm also wondering why (implied) he thought he deserved to put a bullet in his brain and if that continues to have relevance to the plot.<br /><br />We'll look at a rewrite if you want<br />Best of Luck<br /><br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-74513674555322908442020-04-27T07:48:18.124-04:002020-04-27T07:48:18.124-04:00I thought we had moved past having to describe all...I thought we had moved past having to describe all female leads as being "beautiful". Why is she the only character whose looks get mentioned? I mean, I guess you get more of a pass since it's first person and your character is a teenage boy. Still, it's such a cliche description it's cringe worthy. <br /><br />The rest of your voice seems unique.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com