tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post1240945658079132340..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Face-Lift 714Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger11125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89337367126411266112010-04-05T08:18:22.397-04:002010-04-05T08:18:22.397-04:00Carry on Nurse or was it Nursing was my favorite. ...Carry on Nurse or was it Nursing was my favorite. As a Scottish/English Canadian living in Asia, I think a Carry Ying and Yan Can series would be a winner. Comedy cooking with ESL balloons that explode across the screen as the cooker's stress is corrected. (A chef is commonly called a "cooker" in the PRC. They have waiters, tellers, bankers and cookers, human and electric.) No offence meant here, just having some fun. BibiAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-9304970119876039602010-01-04T02:04:47.670-05:002010-01-04T02:04:47.670-05:00I get my most major and idiotic mistake: I forgot ...I get my most major and idiotic mistake: I forgot the agent/reader has NOT read the book, and will not get it jlt. Stupid, stupid me!<br /><br />Lilith, a human sorceress fundamentally lived on life essence from others. Thus, she’s deemed to be the Creator Vampyr although she wasn’t an “undead”. Out of her fifteen children, more than half went on to join her vampiric way of life, while a fair few left to lead mortal lives. <br /><br />The lead characters descend from the mortal lineage.<br /><br />Makes sense? How do I shorten this info? I'd appreciate any critique, of course.Tanvihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17109632458308210604noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-16436631025137453302009-12-31T13:56:52.990-05:002009-12-31T13:56:52.990-05:00No 'Carrion series' that I can discover, a...No 'Carrion series' that I can discover, aside from a line of merchandise from Zazzle.com<br /><br />If the Carians are like the ancient Egyptions, Zara and Damion being related would actually be a plus. Just saying. <br /><br />Author, you might want to rewrite providing more of the actual story events, and post in the comments here. <br />Or do what I did, and post explaining more of the story and why you made the choices you did in the query. The minions' suggestions can be invaluable in rewriting.batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-82411237784225517082009-12-30T20:21:58.979-05:002009-12-30T20:21:58.979-05:00The real story is Zara's discovery of her vamp...The real story is Zara's discovery of her vampiric legacy and her meeting with Damion and how she copes. Try to focus on that. There's too much backstory in this letter. It makes the story sound like all backstory.Dave Fragmentshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17985158361431606939noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-44162993992110158032009-12-30T15:32:23.891-05:002009-12-30T15:32:23.891-05:00I think a Carrie-Anne series could be quite lucrat...I think a Carrie-Anne series could be quite lucrative. Carrie-Anne Moss buying sunglasses; doing yoga; baking bread.Kathleenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00923975835078747456noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-58052590970154130412009-12-30T15:30:16.950-05:002009-12-30T15:30:16.950-05:00"Carry On Up the Khyber" is undoubtedly ..."Carry On Up the Khyber" is undoubtedly a classic, but my personal favourite is "Carry On Cleo".<br /><br />Of course, any film in the series is going to appeal more strongly to me than yet <i>another</i> vampire paranormal romance... This query is going to have to be kicked up a notch or two if it's going to stand out in a crowded (to my mind, overcrowded) field.<br /><br /><br />Losing the references to the heroine's "monotonous" life, and the (rather vague) descriptions of her interior state, might be a good place to start. Also, I'd cut out some of the confusing expositionary stuff about how the main characters are related. I'm a lot more interested in the conflict with the Seven Elders than I am in the empty feeling that lingers in Zara's heart. (In fact, I am almost entirely uninterested in the empty feeling that lingers in Zara's heart.)<br /><br />Spellings like "Damion" and "Vampyr" make me puke, but possibly they're somebody else's cup of tea.Steve Wrighthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09836762265698458170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-84787492837137598362009-12-30T15:27:09.617-05:002009-12-30T15:27:09.617-05:00I don't see how the story is affected by its I...I don't see how the story is affected by its Irish setting. Maybe you can make that clearer, especially if its important to the appeal of the story. I also don't see what the British + American ancestry does for your plot or characterization. It looks like a red herring in this query. Maybe it works fine in the story, but is one of those details that don't need to be mentioned in the query.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-63358976061847769132009-12-30T14:51:29.926-05:002009-12-30T14:51:29.926-05:00Is Damion the best name for a paranormal person? C...Is Damion the best name for a paranormal person? Considering how close it is to demon and how often Damien and Nicholae are used for supernaturally evil guys.<br /><br />Carian? No, no: Carrion. THAT would be a cool series._*rachel*_https://www.blogger.com/profile/03293167107180931700noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-86133502063885082102009-12-30T14:43:14.862-05:002009-12-30T14:43:14.862-05:00batgirl, is there a Carrion series? If there isn&...batgirl, is there a Carrion series? If there isn't, someone should write one. Readers would descend upon it like... never mind.<br /><br />Clearly, Damion and Zara <i>can't</i> be blood relatives. It would be too much like <a href="http://mentalfloss.cachefly.net/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/435_leia_luke_kiss.jpg" rel="nofollow">Luke falling for Leia</a>, which in the end turns out to be kinda creepy.<br /><br />The rest of it... I have to admit I got lost because I found the query plodding and difficult. Is it important to know that she's a British-American (do we still have those?) living in Ireland? I immediately assumed we were in for some sociopolitical message when I saw that. A nitpick: I think aunt and uncle here should not be capitalized.<br /><br />Just curious: If "the monotony is broken" by Damion's arrival, you don't actually <i>start</i> the book with a whole bunch of slightly poignant, comfortable monotony, do you?<br /><br /><i>However, Zara sees his attempts at befriending and helping her like an effort to sabotage her strong image by extending sympathy at her situation. She rebuffs him raising barriers around herself.</i><br /><br />"Strong image" was not what I got from the first paragraph; thus, for me her negative reaction to Damion fell flat.<br /><br />Finally: I know this isn't the actual <i>book</i> we're reading, but the last two paragraphs of your query consist of 137 words in three sentences. I'm hoping this isn't how the book is paced, considering it's YA. Shorten the sentences. Drop anything unnecessary and focus on what happens.PJDhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05028687955957107957noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-87096899681315339262009-12-30T13:53:15.358-05:002009-12-30T13:53:15.358-05:00Is this query all backstory? I'm not seeing wh...Is this query all backstory? I'm not seeing what happens in the book, other than 'cute guy shows up and is rebuffed', which would be in the first 5 chapters at most, wouldn't it?<br /><br />Also, you have some odd usages of prepositions that make me wonder about the language of your novel. You might want to review phrases like 'is descendant of' and 'sends everything in disarray' for correctness. <br /><br />Author, I found two citations for Carian. (you may already know of both) One is 'native of an area of Turkey', the other is 'a race of birdlike Beings' <br /><br />Were you aiming for an association with 'carrion'? <br /><br />EE, there already is a Carry On Series. Carry On Up the Khyber is my favourite.batgirlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15143310557906978680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-65278029761122097612009-12-30T13:04:17.166-05:002009-12-30T13:04:17.166-05:00How did I instantly know this must be the real plo...How did I instantly know this must be the real plot? Stock characters with little to do. Forget setting things up for your would-be series and crank up the action and peril here. Freaky ancestry is backstory.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com