tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post115565593618306246..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 75Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155839921767157552006-08-17T14:38:00.000-04:002006-08-17T14:38:00.000-04:00Hell, anon, there's nothing wrong with fluff. It's...Hell, anon, there's nothing wrong with fluff. It's the perfect thing to read when your three-year-old is grossing your other kids out of existence by showing them all his bum. It's also the perfect escape from a sinkful of dirty dishes. Non-fluff requires effort and concentration, and 90% of the time, I have none.<BR/><BR/>A world without fluff would be a hard and angular place. :)<BR/><BR/>And Hawkowl: I prefer my fantasy tales to be written by actual wizards and trolls, but alas, there seems to be a dearth of such people who also aspire to writing. ;)<BR/><BR/>P.S. F'o'r'e'c'a's't'l'e. :DAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155762303837797242006-08-16T17:05:00.000-04:002006-08-16T17:05:00.000-04:00Well if it's any consolation, I didn't like it at ...Well if it's any consolation, I didn't like it at all. All other problems aside, it sounds like a landlubber telling a pirate story. I like my sea stories told by sailors. Plus I have this sneaking suspiscion that you spell "forecastle" with apostrophes, which I hate.HawkOwlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08506953701159624542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155755958645631662006-08-16T15:19:00.000-04:002006-08-16T15:19:00.000-04:00kis -In A PIRATE'S REWARD, the heroine's name is L...kis -<BR/><BR/>In A PIRATE'S REWARD, the heroine's name is Lady Jillian Hayes, the Duke of St. James's sister.<BR/><BR/>Yes, the pirate captain is(was) a gentleman and the second son of an Irish lord. He's kidnapped his brother's bride (because his elder brother--the heir--is gay and Zach is expected to impregnate her anyway).<BR/><BR/>The cannons are not firing because he's a piss-poor pirate captain and his crew a rag-tag team of idjits (and they are scared).<BR/><BR/>Jillian is not unhappy she was prevented from marrying, as she wants to be a nun!!!!<BR/><BR/>I'm surprised this was so well liked. I consider it "fluff," but the kind of fluff I like.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155754999842831882006-08-16T15:03:00.000-04:002006-08-16T15:03:00.000-04:00Now that I've managed to stop the involuntary droo...Now that I've managed to stop the involuntary drooling that plagues me at the mere mention of Johnny Depp, I want to say that I liked this as well. A little confusion doesn't bother me in the first 150--it's nearly inevitable when you start where the action is. And if the author took up valuable time and space to set the scene, I'm guessing there'd be no shortage of complaints about how <I>explainy</I> it is.<BR/><BR/>I don't have a particular problem with the Briggs/Smee thing, so much as I did with the choice of names--Briggs seems too overtly ship's crewman-ish, and Knight is, well, too chivalrous. I'm assuming that Knight is going to fall in love with the drugged-up daughter of the duke. Please tell me her name isn't Felicity or something equally atrocious.<BR/><BR/>I can envision a scenario where an educated and possibly upper-class man might be captain of a ship, so I didn't have any issues with his diction. I did wonder why the cannons were not firing right after the captain ordered them to, though. <BR/><BR/>The continuation? Well, let's just say I'd be turning my next-door neighbor's head if I hadn't lost my voice two days ago.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155751993899072382006-08-16T14:13:00.000-04:002006-08-16T14:13:00.000-04:00"Fetch me red shirt! Wait! Make that me brown pan..."Fetch me red shirt! Wait! Make that me brown pants." said the Captain to his First Mate. -JTCAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155748784994098392006-08-16T13:19:00.000-04:002006-08-16T13:19:00.000-04:00Ah, Jim lad, this 'ere be a Johnny Depp/Keira Knig...Ah, Jim lad, this 'ere be a Johnny Depp/Keira Knightley rollickin' romance on the 'igh seas. Clear up the nitpickin' an' ye've got yersel' a winner, arr.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155745814996145012006-08-16T12:30:00.000-04:002006-08-16T12:30:00.000-04:00I think this has great possibility and the consist...I think this has great possibility and the consistency of suggestions shows that just a few tweeks would help.<BR/><BR/>ADORED the continuation.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155745719020483282006-08-16T12:28:00.000-04:002006-08-16T12:28:00.000-04:00Pirates of the Carribean kick...Me too! I love Jo...Pirates of the Carribean kick...<BR/><BR/>Me too! I love Johnny Depp in that role. Whew!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155744992643860842006-08-16T12:16:00.000-04:002006-08-16T12:16:00.000-04:00I really liked this opening. Thought it was quite ...I really liked this opening. Thought it was quite funny and very quick to read. I howled at the continuation, dribbling tea down my shirt like an infant. Always loved men in drag, ever since catching my first episode of MOnty Python.<BR/><BR/>I like the opening line, perhaps reword the second line (you have frigate twice in a row) to show his vantage point from the Fair Maiden catching sight of the naval ship (it is the navy that's after them right? or is it the duke's personal armada?). That would help the questions about which ship he is captaining.<BR/><BR/>I didn't have a problem with the dialogue but I don't think that Zach would rub his bear and consider his options while he is telling his first mate that there are no options. It would work if he were pretending to consider his options - which would be funny.<BR/><BR/>Anyway, I liked it. Must be the PIrates of the Carribean kick I'm on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155734442763842012006-08-16T09:20:00.000-04:002006-08-16T09:20:00.000-04:00In spite of a few problems mentioned above, such a...In spite of a few problems mentioned above, such as the dialogue reinforced by excessive explanation and the confusion as to "what ship", I liked it.<BR/>A nice tone that raises delightful possibilities of engaging rogues.Bernitahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05264585685253812090noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155731733125990582006-08-16T08:35:00.000-04:002006-08-16T08:35:00.000-04:00This opening doesn't work for me. (and I'm writin...This opening doesn't work for me. (and I'm writing my comments first, without looking at others, so I'm not influenced, which I'm susceptible to).<BR/><BR/>In the first paragraph, I can't tell if Captain Zachary Knight is the captain of the British frigate or The Fair Maiden. No need for this confusion (although it is cleared up quickly--I had to re-read the beginning of the next paragraph twice to make sure I had understood).<BR/><BR/>Briggs' dialogue sounds just like Smee's on the Disney animated version of Peter Pan. (and I'm sorry to say I'm familiar with it, having children who love such stuff). Didn't like it. Didn't sound authentic to me (although I have no basis whatsoever to know what would be authentic!) But I just can't get past the cartoon character sound of it.<BR/><BR/>There are too many beats in the dialogue. By adding explanations at every turn, the dialogue is heavy and boring, without the zest and tension that could be there if written better. And the beats seem to be used to prop up the dialogue (because you know it's not so good?).<BR/><BR/>The first mate seems silly, whiny. Not manly. Better to use "said" than "pleaded." Said is a word that is transparent, pleaded jumps out.<BR/><BR/>It's hard to imagine that the captain actually hid a woman on board the ship without the first mate knowing. If the Captain didn't trust the first mate, whom would he trust? <BR/><BR/>The accented language of Smee, I mean Briggs, drove me batty. (Contributed to the sound, which I mentioned not liking above, but also to not liking to read it with all the apostrophes.)<BR/><BR/>The whole conversation seems contrived for the sole purpose of giving us, the readers, set-up/background information.<BR/><BR/>And the sentence "I coaxed the lady onboard with some laudanum whilst in Dublin" does not seem like a seaman's voice. Not even a Cap'n's.<BR/><BR/>Sorry. I wouldn't keep reading.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155708180175445252006-08-16T02:03:00.000-04:002006-08-16T02:03:00.000-04:00I'm a bit troubled right up front. I can't tell if...I'm a bit troubled right up front. I can't tell if our good cap'n Zach is guiding The Fair Maiden or the English frigate. Is he gaining or trying to get away? <BR/><BR/>Sure, it clears up soon after that, but I'd fix it in the opening paragraph. If an agent is looking for a reason to say no, and my money says that's exactly what they're looking for, you've quickly given it to them.<BR/><BR/>As for the story itself, I'm very intrigued. Would definitely read further. In only 150 words, I've already fallen in love with the two characters.<BR/><BR/>Er, I better watch my phrasing based on the continuation, which was a gem.<BR/><BR/>JohnAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155704407266337062006-08-16T01:00:00.000-04:002006-08-16T01:00:00.000-04:00I thought it was odd that the Captain shouted, "Fi...I thought it was odd that the Captain shouted, "Fire the cannons!" then, a paragraph down, began to consider his options. I liked the writing, though, and liked the set up. That laudanum line's a real kicker.<BR/><BR/>Way to go!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155703812702058672006-08-16T00:50:00.000-04:002006-08-16T00:50:00.000-04:00Anyone else get a craving for Cap'n Crunch cereal ...Anyone else get a craving for Cap'n Crunch cereal while reading this? <BR/><BR/>Anyway, I did enjoy it.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155700578274231142006-08-15T23:56:00.000-04:002006-08-15T23:56:00.000-04:00[quote]"But we don’t have ‘er, Cap’n." The First M...[quote]"But we don’t have ‘er, Cap’n." The First Mate shook his head, denying the possibility.[/quote]<BR/><BR/>My recommendation: Pull up your story and start reading over it. Every time you find something like this, fix it.<BR/><BR/>What's wrong with this? You're repeating yourself between the dialog and the narration. He verbally denies the possibility, and then you reiterate to the readers that he's denying the possibility. This is a big no-no.<BR/><BR/>Search out your dialog. If you repeat information that a reasonable person could deduce, delete it. It doesn't need to be as obvious as your initial example. Take the following text:<BR/><BR/>"So, what's your name?" John said inquisitively, looking at Sue.<BR/>"I'm not telling you," said Sue. She got defensive.<BR/>"Why not? I'm a good guy," John said.<BR/>"Yes," Sue said sarcastically, "I'm sure you are."<BR/><BR/>This is bad writing. This part would be better as:<BR/><BR/>John looked at Sue. "What's your name?"<BR/>"I'm not telling you."<BR/>"Why not? I'm a good guy."<BR/>"Yes, I'm sure you are."<BR/><BR/>The emotions/styles of speech are obvious from the text. Even if they weren't to a few readers, their imaginations will readily fill in workable possibilities.Reihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17005292189176596201noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155697486829982952006-08-15T23:04:00.000-04:002006-08-15T23:04:00.000-04:00The original 150 words is pretty good; it's quite ...The original 150 words is pretty good; it's quite funny, and I'd certainly read on. The line about the laudanum was certainly a good hook.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155695426723644422006-08-15T22:30:00.000-04:002006-08-15T22:30:00.000-04:00That continuation made me choke on an apple. Brill...That continuation made me choke on an apple. <BR/><BR/>Brilliant.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155689710578794352006-08-15T20:55:00.000-04:002006-08-15T20:55:00.000-04:00Fortunately it's too late for coffee, or I would h...Fortunately it's too late for coffee, or I would have spit it all over my computer screen. That continuation is FUNNY!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com