tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post115505308674580141..comments2024-03-18T13:32:44.865-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 53Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53283917216555579732011-04-14T13:30:49.547-04:002011-04-14T13:30:49.547-04:00I thought it was a good rewrite...but I didn't...I thought it was a good rewrite...but I didn't have any problems with the original. It seemed like stark & ugly real life to me, and a REAL window into the narrator's mind. It's obvious to me that readers are <i>supposed</i> to ask, Why is this teenager watching his/her friends' parents fuck? And who is s/he?<br /><br />I think those are good questions to ask. As long as the second one is answered promptly, I'm good with this. <br /><br />I think some of you need to grow up, truthfully. <i>Ooh, body parts that are actually real. I need to go scrub out my eyeballs.</i> Get a grip.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155574302933858812006-08-14T12:51:00.000-04:002006-08-14T12:51:00.000-04:00My comments don't post on EE's site, so I'd like t...My comments don't post on EE's site, so I'd like to take this <BR/>opportunity to thank the minions for so much helpful feedback, and to <BR/>apologize for offending those with delicate sensibilities. I'm touched <BR/>that so many of you who were thoroughly grossed out took the time to <BR/>give thoughtful critiques. This has been a lot of fun for me. (I didn't <BR/>clock the disgusting yeast/sex juxtaposition until y'all pointed it <BR/>out.) I based this rewrite on your suggestions, and I changed Amy to <BR/>Hannah in order to play up the hippie parents. Personally, I miss the <BR/>pendulous balls, but here you go:<BR/><BR/><BR/>“Butter or nutritional yeast?” Hannah was popping popcorn.<BR/><BR/>“Butter,” hollered Mark.<BR/><BR/>I’d have requested yeast, but the video of Hannah’s parents distracted <BR/>me. This was what married people did?<BR/><BR/>We’d planned a normal afternoon: cut school, get high, zone out. We <BR/>were going to try that thing where you mute “The Wizard of Oz” and play <BR/>“Dark Side of the Moon.” Mark said it was supposed to be really deep.<BR/><BR/>It was all Hannah’s dad’s fault; he taped his sex stuff over the movie.<BR/><BR/>When Mark first popped in the tape I wasn’t sure what we were watching. <BR/>Sure, Hanna’s dad was naked, but her mom was chatting about how the <BR/>Winn-Dixie had started carrying soysage and organic milk. When she took <BR/>her clothes off, I understood what was going on.<BR/><BR/>“Awesome,” Mark said. He shoved off the couch and closed the door to <BR/>the kitchen.<BR/><BR/>In the video, Hannah’s mom hung up her skirt. She folded her big beige <BR/>underpants and placed them on the chair by the bed. Then she gave <BR/>Hannah’s dad a blowjob.<BR/><BR/>Hannah’s parents did all the things I’d never done. They were saggy and <BR/>soft-bellied, but it didn't seem like a big deal to them. Once, <BR/>Hannah’s mom said she was worried that shopping at Winn-Dixie made her <BR/>a bad person, like she was betraying the co-op, but otherwise they <BR/>didn’t talk. Each time they switched positions, Hannah’s dad got up to <BR/>adjust the camera angle. He stood right in front of the lens, at crotch <BR/>level. His pubes were greying, like his beard.<BR/><BR/>“Ugh,” said Mark, “this is so not like porn.” He left the room. Maybe <BR/>he was going to make out with Hannah or to eat some popcorn, I don’t <BR/>know.<BR/><BR/>I kept watching. I guess I’m a pervert.<BR/><BR/>It lasted maybe ten more minutes. Hannah’s mom cried after, which <BR/>weirded me out as much as the sex part. She was upset about Hannah, of <BR/>course. Hannah’s dad said everything was my fault.<BR/><BR/>Hannah's dad was a fuck-face liar.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155434840824387392006-08-12T22:07:00.000-04:002006-08-12T22:07:00.000-04:00Hey, I'd read this. And yeah, I'd like to know mo...Hey, I'd read this. And yeah, I'd like to know more about the narrator's relationship to Amy (I assume they're school friends--s/he makes that pretty clear by saying it was a typical day of skipping school to get high and watch Wizard of Oz.)<BR/><BR/>I didn't think any of it was too graphic or unpleasant. I mean, the author doesn't go into loving detail describing the dad's anus. <BR/><BR/>Oh, and I liked the "Amy's dad this," "Amy's mom that," "Amy's dad," "Amy's mom." I think it was deliberate and it worked for me.<BR/><BR/>Love,<BR/>a sub-literate future grad-school dropout<BR/><BR/>PS: Brewer's yeast on popcorn is totally normal. And I bet it would be delicious.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155229691645754172006-08-10T13:08:00.000-04:002006-08-10T13:08:00.000-04:00Anyone can get a response by shock/crude tactics. ...Anyone can get a response by shock/crude tactics. Just didn't expect to see it here. <BR/><BR/>Kept thinking, Brewer's yeast - is this an American craze? Isn't it used for beer and health food pills? Are they stoned?<BR/><BR/>Someone, somewhere will like this but, judging by the reaction of the readers here, your fans will be in the minority.<BR/><BR/>Who are you writing for? Who will buy this? More importantly, what agent would represent you?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155192704600922842006-08-10T02:51:00.000-04:002006-08-10T02:51:00.000-04:00...a tape-worthy sex bout...Sadly, most of the sex...<I>...a tape-worthy sex bout...</I><BR/><BR/>Sadly, most of the sex that makes it onto tape is not tape-worthy. And this pretty much fits into that category. This is real sex, bellies jiggling, balls hanging, ass-pimples and all. (I know ass-pimples weren't specifically mentioned, but I do think they'd add a certain flair to the scene.) I'm totally with hawkowl: this feels all too appallingly real. The only thing that's missing is the dad kneeling on the mom's hair. Hey, wait--maybe <I>that's</I> why she's crying.<BR/><BR/>And to the author, kudos for the fact that this bit has generated so much comment. Whether they're praising you or swearing off sex forever, at least they're talking about you. ;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155185763483865502006-08-10T00:56:00.000-04:002006-08-10T00:56:00.000-04:00Y'know, I'm with PJD on this one:If the porn is tr...Y'know, I'm with PJD on this one:<BR/><BR/><I>If the porn is truly important to the story, I want to know more about it...</I><BR/><BR/>Yeah, I want to know more about it, too. Oh, and does the book have pictures?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155178039176351212006-08-09T22:47:00.000-04:002006-08-09T22:47:00.000-04:00If Mom is discussing her kids and crying right aft...If Mom is discussing her kids and crying right after a tape-worthy sex bout, then it sure wasn't her who wanted sex at that moment. And that raises almost as many disturbing implications as the teenagers watching the tape and not gagging.<BR/><BR/>I'm assuming (kindly) that the purpose of the tape scene is to show our mysterious narrator is considered a problem by Amy's parents. But no way would this get through as YA, which is read by people much younger than your high school class-cutters (and regularly censored by their potentially self-taping parents). <BR/><BR/>If I'm right about the purpose, it could as easily, and more realistically, be achieved by having them find a file of Dad trying to program the web cam or following Mom around the house with his new digital camera with 2-minute-video-feature while she's trying to have a serious conversation about their screwed-up teenage daughter.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155152024274998932006-08-09T15:33:00.000-04:002006-08-09T15:33:00.000-04:00Pendulous balls? My first thought, after a good l...Pendulous balls? My first thought, after a good laugh, was the Absolutely Fabulous episode where Bubble says to Edina, "I'd like to have your breasts. Large, pendulous breasts." Meh.<BR/><BR/>Okay, snarkiness over. I have to agree with others that I don't see what the audience is for this. As an adult, I really wouldn't care about what a bunch of stoner teenagers are doing.<BR/><BR/>And it was hard for me to figure out the POV on this. Or was it supposed to be omniscient? I don't really go for omniscient POV because it's so hard to do well.<BR/><BR/>So let's see. Have to figure out the target audience and confusing POV. I don't think I'd continue to read this one.<BR/><BR/>~NancyAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155151352618728442006-08-09T15:22:00.000-04:002006-08-09T15:22:00.000-04:00Do we know if the narrator is a boy or a girl? I a...Do we know if the narrator is a boy or a girl? I assumed a girl on my first reading, then thought maybe boy on the second. <BR/><BR/>I expect Amy's mom cried because of the pendulous balls. I know I wanted to cry.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155140573101585792006-08-09T12:22:00.000-04:002006-08-09T12:22:00.000-04:00"This is what sex actually looks like when you're ..."This is what sex actually looks like when you're having it at home."<BR/><BR/>Oh, I give up. You mean people actually tape their own buts? Great.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155138509927355092006-08-09T11:48:00.000-04:002006-08-09T11:48:00.000-04:00hawkowl-I know who Christiane F is. Could well be...hawkowl-<BR/>I know who Christiane F is. Could well be the whole catholic thing.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155121972513574612006-08-09T07:12:00.000-04:002006-08-09T07:12:00.000-04:00This scene could be funny and poignant if position...This scene could be funny and poignant if positioned somewhere else in the story (maybe just a little farther back), and if you displayed how horrified Amy is to see her parents doing it, and her boyfriend seeing her parents doing it. I get no sense of that.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155101725337798222006-08-09T01:35:00.000-04:002006-08-09T01:35:00.000-04:00I'm totally with Magz. I hate sex scenes in fictio...I'm totally with Magz. I hate sex scenes in fiction, normally, in great part because they're so fake and manipulative. This is what sex <EM>actually</EM> looks like when you're having it at home. And yes, if you're in the position I think the man is in, the camera is gonna get a good view of your anus. Kudos for writing probably the most plausible sex scene I've ever read.<BR/><BR/>As for the novel, I'd read on. I'm picturing it as a cross between a much darker <EM>White Oleander</EM> and Christiane F. (Does anyone in North America actually know who Christiane F. is, or am I betraying my Old World catholic girls' school upbringing?)<BR/><BR/>Rock on, dude!HawkOwlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08506953701159624542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155100138960030552006-08-09T01:08:00.000-04:002006-08-09T01:08:00.000-04:00As a YA, I might tone down the sex just a little (...As a YA, I might tone down the sex just a little (though not get rid of it), and play up the awkwardness and fascination both, but it's actually a pretty good setup for an older YA.<BR/><BR/>And it's pretty well written, too.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155099969637294442006-08-09T01:06:00.000-04:002006-08-09T01:06:00.000-04:00The writing is good, the set up is . . . unlovely....The writing is good, the set up is . . . unlovely. I'm not sure what the market is for pendulous balls and anuses--but I think I have a pretty good idea why the soft-bellied woman cried.<BR/><BR/>Really, the video idea might work, but there's just too much, uh, information here.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155098520823110992006-08-09T00:42:00.000-04:002006-08-09T00:42:00.000-04:00That's kinda my issue with it. What's the audience...That's kinda my issue with it. What's the audience? I'm not interested in reading about dumbass teenagers skipping school to get stoned. I'm not saying I'm too mature for that, it's just not my thing, and I'm assuming a majority of adults aren't into that, either. <BR/><BR/>But if my fifteen-year-old ever came home with a book that opens like this, well, I'd go to the store that sold it to him and tear the clerk a new freaking anus. Little Timmy can learn about sex the old-fashioned way--on the internet.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155097043232805922006-08-09T00:17:00.000-04:002006-08-09T00:17:00.000-04:00The voice is young. Does the author mean this as a...The voice is young. Does the author mean this as a joke?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155095677862613722006-08-08T23:54:00.000-04:002006-08-08T23:54:00.000-04:00Crude, yes, but this is well-written I think. But ...Crude, yes, but this is well-written I think. But who is the audience? Who is going to buy/read this?McKoalahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01457446171624585099noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155090810554076222006-08-08T22:33:00.000-04:002006-08-08T22:33:00.000-04:00I cannot imagine discussing my kids, while in the ...I cannot imagine discussing my kids, while in the process of/just done doing you know what. <BR/><BR/>Kids watching their parents on tape. Funny? I'm not commenting on that.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155089741905605302006-08-08T22:15:00.000-04:002006-08-08T22:15:00.000-04:00Don't know the genre, but I'm guessing it's YA bec...Don't know the genre, but I'm guessing it's YA because we have teens in the opening.<BR/><BR/>Here are my (lengthy) comments. Sorry for the verbosity.<BR/><BR/>1. Never heard of brewers' yeast on popcorn. Butter, salt, even caramel or cheese, or nothing. These seem like more reasonable options.<BR/><BR/>2.I don't have a clear idea who is speaking, who is the POV character. <BR/><BR/>3. Didn't like the "Ewww"--seemed too babyish. Maybe "disgusting" or wtf or oh, gross, or something. Ewww sounds like 12 and under.<BR/><BR/>4. After you set up the situation (Amy's popping popcorn, it's midday, teens cutting class, getting high, watching videos--and the video switch), you re-focus on the actual video being shown. I have problems with how the video action is portrayed. If Amy's dad is adjusting the camera, he's either in front of it or behind it, but looking at the camera. Full frontal nudity-not the anus. (NO reason for it-other than crudity-I agree with those who object.)<BR/><BR/>5. Amy's mom gives Amy's dad head (also crude). probably okay because it conveys quickly and efficiently what is happening.<BR/><BR/>6. Mark's comment-perfect.<BR/><BR/>7. Mark goes to eat popcorn and make out with Amy. These seem like somewhat-incompatible activities. At least we get the idea of relationship.<BR/><BR/>8. Narrator keeps watching the video--okay. Now I really want to know who this is. Is this a girl or boy? Is he or she watching the video so as to not watch Mark and Amy?<BR/><BR/>9. Amy's mom has an orgasm. She does that giving head? Or the dad is superman and manages to enjoy head, then get erect again and satisfy his woman? Just sounds so preposterous.<BR/><BR/>10. Amy's mom cries afterwards--totally not believable. IF she had an orgasm with her husband, and they're intentionally filming their love-making-why would this happen? The line, mom is upset about Amy, is lame. No POV character could possibly know that. And even if it were true, I doubt that this situation would evolve the way described.<BR/><BR/>So by this point, I am completely not believing this story and not wanting to read on. Not because of the sex. But because of the poor mechanics, lack of credibility.<BR/><BR/>11. There is one possible saving clause. If POV is Amy's ex-boyfriend and dad said it was POV character's fault that Amy got pregnant, and mom is crying to think that her baby did the nasty with POV character, and her own love-making has brought this to the fore of her thinking...then this could make sense.<BR/><BR/>But if that's what's happening, then you need a serious re-write to let us know and keep us reading.<BR/><BR/>12. Based on what is written, I have no idea what the story is about, what the conflict is, what the premise of the story is. Worse, yet, I have no idea who is the POV character and why I would care about him or her. I wouldn't keep reading.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155088100735678902006-08-08T21:48:00.000-04:002006-08-08T21:48:00.000-04:00Okay, Chumplet, no more coffee for you!Okay, Chumplet, no more coffee for you!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155083062754254552006-08-08T20:24:00.000-04:002006-08-08T20:24:00.000-04:00How can you have hemmorhoids without an anus? Yeah...How can you have hemmorhoids without an anus? Yeah, I know - it's off topic...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155081944993131372006-08-08T20:05:00.000-04:002006-08-08T20:05:00.000-04:00And did it not occur to you underage folks might b...<I>And did it not occur to you underage folks might be reading this blog?</I><BR/><BR/>I can think of worse places for youngsters. Some of them might learn something about writing. Unfortunately, most of them would leave this blog within 30 seconds, and head for an actual porn site.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155080261735153202006-08-08T19:37:00.000-04:002006-08-08T19:37:00.000-04:00That was just disgusting. Makes me want to wash my...That was just disgusting. Makes me want to wash my brain out.<BR/><BR/>And did it not occur to you underage folks might be reading this blog?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155079045331878702006-08-08T19:17:00.000-04:002006-08-08T19:17:00.000-04:00yeah,ls, I thought that whole yeast thing was gros...yeah,ls, I thought that whole yeast thing was grosser than the pendulous balls. But as far as porn is concerned, well, I've seen my share, and there's been no shortage of hairy backs, belly fat and sagging flesh. Usually on the men. Most of the time, it makes me wish the actors were doing it with the lights out.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com