tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post115497932337055421..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: New Beginning 54Evil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger49125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-60308791518733713112011-04-14T13:34:39.703-04:002011-04-14T13:34:39.703-04:00quote: Cole couldn't run any more. She collaps...quote: <i>Cole couldn't run any more. She collapsed on the snow. The Hunter was close, but cold and lack of sleep sapped her will to keep going." [27 words - 30% shorter without loss of information or - imho - atmosphere]</i><br /><br />Bull--your quote ripped out all of the originatlity. And added a pronoun reference error. Good work, Jeb.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155573059036388172006-08-14T12:30:00.000-04:002006-08-14T12:30:00.000-04:00Anon commentor, that's one of the truest things I'...Anon commentor, that's one of the truest things I've read here.<BR/><BR/>Meghan: your unqiue voice in the story is what sets it apart. Don't lose that.braunhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00387344142594757730noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155342459636333662006-08-11T20:27:00.000-04:002006-08-11T20:27:00.000-04:00Oooh, if you don't want the 'whump', can I have it...Oooh, if you don't want the 'whump', can I have it? Swap you for a 'buckled'.<BR/><BR/>The 'sure as ...' expression turned me off Cole straight away but's that a personal thing. I'd probably skip to the exchanges between the Hunter and Cole to see if that held my attention.<BR/><BR/>'Fur-lined' and 'leather' were okay. 'Pants' is too modern and shop-bought sounding, especially if Cole had made them herself. <BR/><BR/>I agree with anon. Stick to your convictions. It's your novel. Now you've revised the opening, all you have to do is put back the 'voice'.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155302215788164512006-08-11T09:16:00.000-04:002006-08-11T09:16:00.000-04:00I hate to be a pain in the rear, Meghan, but I thi...I hate to be a pain in the rear, Meghan, but I think the original was much better. It had an edge, the same edge that I think your main character has.<BR/><BR/>The revised one sounds like what it is -- a bland, watered down compromise. I think you should follow Stephen King's advice -- write with the door closed. It's too early for you to let us nitpickers change YOUR story (and YOUR query). If an agent or publisher rejects this query, we won't be there with you feeling bummed out. It'll just be you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155246434193407792006-08-10T17:47:00.000-04:002006-08-10T17:47:00.000-04:00Meghan,I like this revised version. I agree with ...Meghan,<BR/><BR/>I like this revised version. I agree with the other poster who said to go with "fur-lined" pants. It reminds me of the cold. Insulated pants makes me think of brightly-colored skiwear in the latest styles. :)<BR/><BR/>We say "sure as anything" around here, so I have a bias toward that particular colloquialism. I think it gets the point across as well as the previous phrase.Adelehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07297838915863615684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155237141181434422006-08-10T15:12:00.000-04:002006-08-10T15:12:00.000-04:00P.S. The original has more attitude. And, yes, y...P.S. The original has more attitude. And, yes, you can cradle your weapon "lovingly", whereas "like a child" is kinda strange.<BR/><BR/>Also, its good that you're attentive to the other's comments, but it doesn't mean, that you have to do what others tell you. Its your book.<BR/><BR/>Off course, feel free to ignore my input.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155236744656492082006-08-10T15:05:00.001-04:002006-08-10T15:05:00.001-04:00Either "fur-lined pants" (without the leather) or ...Either "fur-lined pants" (without the leather) or just "pants". Insulated pants just sounds weird. Makes me think of gortex.<BR/><BR/>Other than that one nitpick, I think it's pretty good. If I were a gramarian... sorry, couldn't resist.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155236701012597422006-08-10T15:05:00.000-04:002006-08-10T15:05:00.000-04:00Meghan: "Sure as anything" works less then "sure a...Meghan: "Sure as anything" works less then "sure as shit". Why not just go with "If she didn't get up right now, he would catch her"? Otherwise, just keep the "sure as shit" thing.<BR/><BR/>Sorry, just my reaction, which is probably nutty, so you may do the oposite of what I suggest. If "sure as anything" works for your caracter, go for it, it just doesn't seem to mean much.<BR/><BR/>Seems like an exciting book, so write on.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155229797676615892006-08-10T13:09:00.000-04:002006-08-10T13:09:00.000-04:00Meghan, kindly restore the "defeated whump". Make...Meghan, kindly restore the "defeated whump". Make him a lovable furry fellow who speaks only in the subjunctive tense and he could be the character that put's your story over the top.<BR/><BR/>Seriously, though, I really like what you've written. Sounds like a winner...Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155194427837317032006-08-10T03:20:00.000-04:002006-08-10T03:20:00.000-04:00A revised version from me, as well (a bit over the...A revised version from me, as well (a bit over the word count now).<BR/><BR/>**<BR/><BR/>Cole couldn't run any more. Her legs gave out and she stumbled to the snow-covered ground, defeated. The Hunter was close, but the biting cold and lack of food and sleep sapped her of the will to keep going. <BR/><BR/>She rolled onto her back and watched her breath rise into the frigid air, white clouds of exhaustion. A gnarled tree towered over her, gray sky filtered through its bare branches. It wasn't the worst place in the world to die.<BR/><BR/>She shivered as she made her decision. Sure as anything, if she didn't get up right now, he would catch her. She would be taken alive. Serve as an example to others. In prison for life, or sentenced to a public hanging.<BR/><BR/>That's not how she wanted to go. Cole reached into the waist of her insulated pants and drew out her gun. She clutched the weapon close to her chest, cradled it like a child. When the Hunter caught up to her, she would go down fighting. If she were lucky, maybe she'd take him with her.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155189336492946702006-08-10T01:55:00.000-04:002006-08-10T01:55:00.000-04:00hawkowl -Please read my last comment again. I nev...hawkowl -<BR/><BR/>Please read my last comment again. I never once used the word "kindly". <BR/><BR/>Kindly read what has actually been written before replying. And don't worry, this is my last post on the subject. It's obvious that our discussion is going nowhere.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155173505326314352006-08-09T21:31:00.000-04:002006-08-09T21:31:00.000-04:00Why would I do that? Is it anymore to the point th...Why would I do that? Is it anymore to the point than the rest of your comment?<BR/><BR/>Oh, and while your grammar is still correct, one doesn't say "the link I kindly provided." Generally you say "kindly" when <EM>someone else</EM> kindly did something for <EM>you</EM>, or more likely, when you wish they would, as in, say, "kindly close the door behind you." You don't say "kindly" to describe yourself getting snippy because two people have disagreed with your understanding of the subjunctive.<BR/><BR/>I can see why you're posting anonymously.HawkOwlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08506953701159624542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155172613711542372006-08-09T21:16:00.000-04:002006-08-09T21:16:00.000-04:00Meghan: Forgive my 'cole slaw' and 'what's sure as...Meghan: Forgive my 'cole slaw' and 'what's sure as shit' remarks. As a Nutland native, I just can't help my own nutiness, you see. <BR/><BR/>I do like the story, it sounds like fun.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155161237636792882006-08-09T18:07:00.000-04:002006-08-09T18:07:00.000-04:00hawkowl-Did you even read the link I was kind enou...hawkowl-<BR/><BR/>Did you even read the link I was kind enough to paste?<BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://www.englishclub.com/grammar/verbs-subjunctive.htm" REL="nofollow">http://www.englishclub.com/grammar/verbs-subjunctive.htm</A>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155155393888584152006-08-09T16:29:00.000-04:002006-08-09T16:29:00.000-04:00Anonymous:1) When I get home from work, I will pet...Anonymous:<BR/><BR/>1) When I get home from work, I will pet my dog.<BR/>2) If I was a welder, I'd make more money.<BR/>3) If I were a man, I'd be gay.<BR/><BR/>Are you seeing the difference here? The first is sure to happen. The second is hypothetical, but possible. The third is hypothetical and not possible.<BR/><BR/>Yes, the subjunctive exists and yes, "if she were lucky enough" is grammatically correct. It just doesn't mean what you think it means. "If she were" v. "if she was" aren't interchangeable, because they mean different things. Even though both are grammatically correct.HawkOwlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08506953701159624542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155147194920181232006-08-09T14:13:00.000-04:002006-08-09T14:13:00.000-04:00hawkowl-I never said anything about something bein...hawkowl-<BR/><BR/>I never said anything about something being sure to happen. Of course you'd use "when" if something was sure to happen.<BR/><BR/>I used two examples: If I Were a Rich Man (not sure to happen), and Cole being lucky enough to kill the Hunter (also not sure to happen).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155146649739821652006-08-09T14:04:00.000-04:002006-08-09T14:04:00.000-04:00Hmmm... When something is sure to happen I use "wh...Hmmm... When something is sure to happen I use "when," not "if."HawkOwlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08506953701159624542noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155142226367689972006-08-09T12:50:00.000-04:002006-08-09T12:50:00.000-04:00you totally lost me a "cradled the gun lovingly."you totally lost me a "cradled the gun lovingly."alauhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00584000296895627402noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155138137329892282006-08-09T11:42:00.000-04:002006-08-09T11:42:00.000-04:00hawkowl-The subjunctive isn't about whether someth...hawkowl-<BR/><BR/>The subjunctive isn't about whether something is possible or not... just whether it's not certain to happen.<BR/><BR/>http://www.englishclub.com/grammar/verbs-subjunctive.htm<BR/><BR/>Consider "If I Were a Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof. Is it impossible for him to be rich? No, but it's not certain to happen.<BR/><BR/>In this case, it's not certain that Cole will be lucky enough to kill the Hunter. So this is perfectly acceptable usage.<BR/><BR/>A lot of people don't bother with the subjunctive, especially in American English, but it's absolutely not incorrect.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155137647488728152006-08-09T11:34:00.000-04:002006-08-09T11:34:00.000-04:00I submitted a continuation to this one in which I ...I submitted a continuation to this one in which I focussed on the "defeated whump". Like most of my endings, EE didn't use it. I've since learned to try to write continuations without picking on anything specific in the original 150 words, because EE is way too nice to use one like that [the 'Ring of Fire' continuation is mine]Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155137468564185062006-08-09T11:31:00.000-04:002006-08-09T11:31:00.000-04:00The funny thing is, many scientists theorize that ...The funny thing is, many scientists theorize that global warming could trigger the next ice age. And having done the research, I was very surprised to learn that an ice age could happen quickly (like, within the span of three years). Not to the extent that it's at in this story, of course, but the actual climate change that would signify an ice age. And we're just about at the end of our current interglacial period...<BR/><BR/>Other things could trigger an ice age quite instantaneously... a large comet striking the earth, for example, or a major volcanic eruption. This isn't a scenario that's only possible thousands of years from now, in other words. <BR/><BR/>So this story doesn't take place quite as far in the future as some are imagining. No laser guns or anything like that. It's a world not entirely removed from our own.<BR/><BR/>Points taken, of course, and I'll consider every comment here. <BR/><BR/>Except for the ones dissing Cole's name. ;) It's a perfectly legitimate Celtic name, and not anywhere near as crazy as some of the names I've read.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155133804362402052006-08-09T10:30:00.000-04:002006-08-09T10:30:00.000-04:00I think this rocks. I know we're not supposed to ...I think this rocks. I know we're not supposed to criticise the criticisms, but most of the complaints are matters of taste. I'd never take out a phrase like 'sure as shit" because some people can't get past profanity; they wouldn't like what I write anyway.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155132980576576412006-08-09T10:16:00.000-04:002006-08-09T10:16:00.000-04:00I would have put the book down as soon as I found ...I would have put the book down as soon as I found out that the protagonist has a soap-opera name, but that's just me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155130823277505302006-08-09T09:40:00.000-04:002006-08-09T09:40:00.000-04:00I thought the story was taking place in the Americ...I thought the story was taking place in the American West before the major waves of settlement. Say 1840. The "sure as shit" and "take him out with her" thoughts are straight from that era.<BR/><BR/>I found Cole's voice to be inconsistent. If she thinks "sure as shit," she's not going to be picky about the subjunctive. I like the tough-talking version better, but either one is okay. Just choose.<BR/><BR/>In several places the narrative doesn't feel like tight third -- I feel like I'm watching her from outside, not looking out through her eyes and feeling the world that she feels. <BR/><BR/>It's well done, but if I picked it up in the bookstore, I'd pass.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-1155125922595189092006-08-09T08:18:00.000-04:002006-08-09T08:18:00.000-04:00As a reader I like "sure as shit" and "whump" in t...As a reader I like "sure as shit" and "whump" in this story. And, with all due respect to jeb, I don't believe there are "wasted words". -JTCAnonymousnoreply@blogger.com