tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post1087400465858556152..comments2024-03-26T18:28:06.391-04:00Comments on Evil Editor: Feedback RequestEvil Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03879826770199639420noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-89466572657246785402019-09-27T18:50:06.399-04:002019-09-27T18:50:06.399-04:00Thank you for the critiquesThank you for the critiquesquery writernoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-72355399538876760702019-09-21T19:21:59.245-04:002019-09-21T19:21:59.245-04:00Okay, let's see.
"Those people's ...Okay, let's see.<br /> <br /><br /> "Those people's unintended machinations result in Shimmer being arrested..." I'm not sure machinations can be unintended. It's like saying a plot or a scheme can be uninintended.<br /><br /> "She needs to either leave town or, in effect, submit to arrest herself." You'd think being arrested would be the last thing she wants? I don't see how it's clear that this is a good option. She wouldn't necessarily be anywhere near Shimmer if she was arreasted. It would be stupid to incarcerate them in the same place.<br /><br />I also agree that the mage is the villain. You're complicating the plot by focusing on incompetent kidnappers.<br /><br />Try not to make your novel sound like an "and" plot. This happens, and then this happens.<br />I'm failing to see the cause and effect in most of this.<br /><br />Here's what you need:<br />The protag: Who she is and why she does what she does.<br />The villain: Who he is, why he does what he does.<br />The MacGuffin.<br />Why the villain wants the McGuffin and why the protag has to stop him from getting it.<br /><br />You don't have this. We don't know why the mage wants Shimmer, we don't know why Tali is dead set on protecting her to her own detriment. We don't know why it's literally more important than Tali's life that she save Shimmer.<br /><br />St0n3hengehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08504412781917592790noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26791026.post-53941160805104553722019-09-20T15:02:33.705-04:002019-09-20T15:02:33.705-04:00I get no feel for Tali here. There's plot and,...I get no feel for Tali here. There's plot and, if following EE advice, is fine as far as it goes. But is Tali conflicted or is it just a story about a bodyguard? You may need something beyond a simple straight-line plot. Mister Furkleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07156977719916770984noreply@blogger.com