Monday, June 27, 2016

Feedback Request


The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1320 (see previous post) would like feedback on this revision:


Dear Evil Editor,

After fourteen years, 18-year-old Auraya finally remembers that she's a princess from a planet named Losaria. She escaped the war on her planet by crossing through a dangerous wormhole to Earth, only to find out that she had to replace her memories to stay concealed. [It sounds like she made the crossing and found out she had to lose her memories when she was four years old. Who's making "her" decisions? What memories does a four-year-old have that are so critical?] Now, with the knowledge that the immortal monarchy can only be killed by their offspring, Auraya has to remain hidden from her deranged uncle Mois who, with his own power, will force her to kill them to become Losaria's new king. [Has she regained only the memories she had when she left her planet at age 4, or has someone filled her in on what's been going on for the last fourteen years on Losaria?] [How does she know Mois's plans?]

Earth is plagued by overpopulation and scarce resources while the United States uses an immoral class system as a form of regulation. [Regulation of what?] Mois goes missing from Losaria making Auraya believe that he is on Earth with plans to dominate it as well. [How does she know he's gone missing?] When a group of human insurgents--the Revisionists--begin to murder the rich in protest of the system, she thinks that Mois may use their cause to further his own agenda.

Auraya joins the Revisionists to get answers, [Joining the group she thinks Mois is using to further his agenda doesn't seem too bright if she's trying to stay concealed from Mois, especially now that she has her memories back.] and learns that they're planning a nation-wide attack against the U.S. government. But, when she finds out that her missing brother is barely alive on Earth, she has to choose between risking her life to find him, and remaining concealed knowing that it’s the only way to protect her parents’ lives. Auraya realizes Mois’ actual plan to get Earth isn't what she expected, and a final memory returns revealing that she may have once helped his cause. [Back when she was four?] 

THE CROSSING: REVISION is a young adult speculative fiction novel complete with 82,000 words. It is standalone novel with the potential to be built into a trilogy.

Sincerely,


[Oh and about the genre. The Earth side of the story is pretty science fiction based, but the Losarian side is more fantasy. I thought that saying speculative encompassed as story with both elements. Though, I guess even the fantasyish stuff from Losaria all has a scientificy explanation---I just used two made up words in one sentence...fantastic. Maybe I will just call it science fiction.]


Notes

This is a major improvement.

Is The Crossing: Revision the title of this book, or is part of that the title you will give the trilogy if you end up writing two more books? It's not a good title for a standalone novel.

How long does it take to get from Losaria to Earth? I know a wormhole is a short cut, but if it's a natural-occurring phenomenon, odds are its terminals aren't right on both planets. If it does terminate on Earth, have Earthlings passed through it to Losaria?

You don't tell the ending, which is good, but there's no need to conceal from us Mois's real plan or Auraya's final memory in an attempt to entice us to request the manuscript.


3 comments:

Author said...

I am still working on a title. Should the questions that you aksed be answered in the query, or is it okay to let them go unanswered? I'm afraid of making it too long.

Evil Editor said...

If they're going unanswered, try to write the query in such a way that they go unasked. If that's not possible, try to answer them by changing general info to specific. For instance, changing "the United States uses an immoral class system as a form of regulation" could be: "the United States uses an immoral class system to regulate population." That answers my question and is two words fewer. It probably doesn't have to be longer to answer a few questions.

SB said...

Yeah, this is much better. I still think I need a better idea why her uncle can force her to kill her parents. Can he control people's minds? And it seems odd to me that you bring in the brother so late if he's important. It also immediately makes me wonder if the uncle wouldn't just go after the brother because he's an easier target, and if the MC would also realize this and come out of hiding to get her brother.

Regarding the genre, I'm sure there are other books that blend sci-fi and fantasy. You might research them to find out what they're called. Just calling it speculative fiction doesn't really capture that it has elements of both sci-fi and fantasy.