The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1304 has submitted the revision below, and would like your feedback.
Twelve-year-old Eric Ortega loves his big sister Alyssa almost as much as he loves annoying her. When a wind demon takes over Eric’s body, Eric won’t believe it’s really happening … until the creature threatens his sister.
Nikias only has a body when he steals one, and he sees a latent power in Eric that he wants for himself. In possession of Eric’s body, Nikias can manipulate Eric’s aura to control others.
But Alyssa knows about the beings who live hidden among humans. The Sentinels, who police the world’s hidden peoples, had tried to recruit her. She knocks Eric out and takes him away to the Sentinel Fortress, willing to commit her life to save her brother’s.
When the Sentinels free Eric, Nikias escapes. Now Eric is trapped in the Sentinels’ ancient Roman lair, surrounded by beings who don’t trust him because of the powers Nikias awakened inside him. When Alyssa leaves, his only ally is a whip smart, winged girl.
Eric is certain Nikias is still after Alyssa, but the Sentinels won’t believe him. His winged friend helps him escape, but in order to save his sister, Eric must learn to control his new, unwanted powers.
Complete at 65,000 words, ERIC ORTEGA AND THE DEMON WIND is an upper MG contemporary fantasy. The story features diverse characters, including Medusa as a lesbian doctor with temperamental snake hair. This book will appeal to fans of the Underland Chronicles. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sorry, this just isn't doing it for me. I have too many questions. If Nikias can control others, why doesn't he prevent Alyssa from knocking him out? How can humans be unaware of the hidden beings living among them? How are they hidden? Why do they need policing? Are the Sentinels also hidden? Did the Sentinels try to recruit Alyssa to be a fellow Sentinel? Are the Sentinels human? Is the Fortress close to where Eric and Alyssa live? If not, how does Alyssa get Eric there after she knocks him out? Why does taking Eric to the Fortress require a lifetime commitment? If Alyssa has committed her life to Eric, why does she then leave him? Why have the Sentinels trapped Eric with beings that don't trust him? What are Eric's powers? Why do you call Eric's powers unwanted if he can't save his sister without them? Does Alyssa also have powers Nikias wants? If not, why is he after her? I have as many questions about your plot as there are sentences in your query.
If Medusa is worth mentioning, tell us what crucial role she plays in the plot. Otherwise leave her out of the query.
Eric spends his time possessed, unconscious, trapped, and powerless. Are you sure Alyssa wouldn't be a better main character?
I suggest telling us the plot in three paragraphs. First the three-sentence setup: Who's the main character, what's his situation, what's his goal? Then three sentences about how he plans to achieve his goal and what goes wrong when he puts his plan in motion. Then a three-sentence wrap-up: How does he handle the chief obstacle. What's plan B? What will happen if he fails?
You have human beings, beings who are hidden, beings who don't trust Eric, and Sentinels, who may or may not be a subset of one of the other three sets of beings. The query would probably be clearer with fewer beings. The hidden and untrusting beings don't do much of anything in the query.