The author of the query featured in Face-Lift 1279 would like your feedback on the revision below.
When eight-year-old Prince Arek witnesses his parents’ murders and is safeguarded by a magical spell, his mind is fragmented. From that day on, when Prince Arek falls asleep, the assassin Rykter wakes. And neither is aware of the other. [So Rykter's mind occupies Arek's body? Because it would be hard for someone in an eight-year-old body to be a successful assassin for very long. Wouldn't anyone notice the prince leaving his bedroom and slinking around with a dagger? I assume he assassinates people in their sleep, but sooner or later someone'll wake up when he enters their room, and overpowering a little kid would be easy.]
Nine years later, [If we're gonna jump ahead nine years anyway, why not have the parents get killed when Arek is fifteen? It's easier to buy a fifteen-year-old assassin. If he simply must be eight, I recommend not revealing his age in the query. Does anything crucial happen while Arek is eight or nine years old besides his parents' deaths?] Lord Regent Zander sees his rule coming to an end as Prince Arek nears his eighteenth birthday. He devises a plan to lengthen his reign indefinitely, which includes hiring an assassin to kill the Prince. The assassin Rykter, carrying his vampiric Blood Blade, goes to the royal chambers to kill the Prince, but the room is empty but oddly familiar. When Rykter removes his mask in front of a mirror, he and Prince Arek come face to face for the first time. [Does this mask just appear on Arek's face when he falls asleep? And for nine years he's never removed it to look at his face? How does he know the face in the mirror is Arek's? I assume Rykter doesn't assassinate someone every night; does he have friends, hobbies, a life? Is there an all-night bowling alley in the village?]
Unable to accuse the Lord Regent without outing himself as an assassin, Prince Arek flees. Pursued by mercenaries and mutated creatures, he must reach sanctuary. But he cannot run from Rykter. Prince Arek must face his dark side, because along the way he uncovers a secret - he carries the key to humanity’s salvation, or its destruction.
THE BLOOD BLADE is an 81,000 word YA Fantasy with crossover potential that will appeal to fans of Melina Marchetta’s The Lumatere Series as well as Brent Weeks’ Night Angel Trilogy. The story can stand on its own, but is intended as a series.
It's better. You don't have to address my issues, which are plot-related rather than query-related, if you feel it's unlikely they'll be issues with the agent.