Thursday, October 22, 2015

Feedback Request



The author of the query for the Mother Nature book would like our opinion on which opening is more effective:



Sixteen-year old Theia Bryar has no idea she is the daughter of Mother Nature. She has never understood why the sun has always shone when she’s happy, while thunder answers her cries of anger. Or why plants grow unnaturally fast with her touch. But when she is abducted and taken to an island inhabited by the Naturae, people who can control earth, air, fire or water, she finally learns the truth. As the only blood relative of Mother Nature, Theia has power over all four elements.

OR

Sixteen-year old Theia Bryar believes she is being abducted. She is actually being taken home. On an island inhabited by the Naturae, people who can control earth, air, fire or water, Theia learns why the sun has always shone when she’s happy, while thunder answers her cries of anger. She is the daughter of Mother Nature, and has power over all four elements.

7 comments:

Evil Editor said...

In my opinion, the first one has a lot more words without a lot more information. The abduction is a better hook than being the daughter of Mother Nature. On the other hand, I'm not crazy about "is being taken" right after "is being abducted" in the second one. More active would be: Sixteen-year old Theia Bryar thinks she's been kidnapped. She's right, and her abductors are taking her home. With that change I'd vote for the second one.

Anonymous said...

Number 2, because of the twist.

Anonymous said...

Ditto number 2. You also might want to consider a few contractions (i.e. she is -> she's) to make it sound more natural.

PLaF said...

The second. I think being the daughter of Mother Nature is a big part of the story and having that plot point handed to me in the first sentence robs me of the surprise.

Komal Verma said...

Number 2 as well :)

InkAndPixelClub said...

Another vote for two. Whichever you go with, I'd change "has always shone" to "always shines," as it's one less word and has better tense agreement with "answers".

Author said...

thank you! I think I am going to start sending the letter out this Monday-- eek!