This is my second time submitting a query for The Adventures of Parker Rhodes to Evil Editor. After reading some of the comments from last time I was inspired to really put my heart into writing and learning the craft. After numerous writing classes, working closely with a writing coach and revising my book for what seemed like the hundredth time I feel I am ready to show the world what I can do. I just want to let the Evil Editor take another look and help me tighten up the query.
Thanks for the help.
It had been three years since the alien took Parker Rhodes [Rhodes's] father away from him, though Parker didn’t know it at the time. [He didn't know it had been three years or he didn't know an alien took his father away? If you change it to Three years ago the alien... there's no ambiguity.] “He died during an important mission overseas” were the lies [was the lie] the Government told Parker and his mother, Dorothy Rhodes. But now that the alien has come back, before the day was over, Parker would learn the truth. [But now the alien has returned, and before the day is over Parker will learn the truth.]
The Adventures of Parker Rhodes is the story of an ordinary young man, full of humor and audacity, who finds himself in an extraordinary circumstance. Just when his [Parker's] life seems to be taking a real upswing, departing from the sad years after his father's alleged death, the alien who was there when his father died, returns to earth, causes mayhem, and threatens the existence of Parker, his mother, and the entire world. [I'm gonna kill everyone on this planet, but before I do that I'm gonna kill you and your mother.] Parker joins with the grizzled General, a character who knew and distrusted the alien from the first time it visited, a lisping tiny cowboy, and a cast of other characters as he fights, with his new found superpowers, to save them all. [I assume the General has command over an army, and Parker's superpowers are more like Superman's than Aquaman's, but I don't see how a tiny cowboy with a lisp brings so much to the table that he's worth mentioning in the query.]
The Adventures of Parker Rhodes is told in a language that compels, excites, entertains and sparks the imagination. [According to . . . you. It's not your fault that we don't trust your opinion about your book, but we've been fooled once too often.] It brings to life a hero for a new generation in the form of a sarcastic, clever, resourceful, and funny teenager, with whom kids all over the world can relate.
A cross between Saint Dane (The Pendragon Adventure) and President Snow (The Hunger Games), [You've already told us he's threatened the existence of the entire world. Do you really need to compare him to other bad guys?] the alien is on earth to do the wrong thing [Destroy the world.] for the right reasons [For kicks.].
I am a lifelong reader of sci-fi and a great fan of Rick Riordan (Percy Jackson series) and Eoin Colfer (Artemis Fowl series). I have written this, my first book and the first in a series in honor of the great writers of YA Science Fiction. I work in IT, an improbable spot for a novice writer, yet it puts me in a unique position to get my work in front of a diverse, creative and open-minded audience. I have studied novel writing both independently and alongside professional writers. I completed this novel with the assistance of a professional editor. [I don't see that anything in this paragraph is helpful. Better to use the space telling us what happens in your book. All we know is that an alien who was here three years ago is back and threatening our world, and a cast of characters including Parker who suddenly and inexplicably has superpowers, is going to try to save us.]
This 60,000 word book is complete and ready for your review. I would be delighted to send it to you.
Why is the alien threatening our existence, what powers or weapons does he have that make him a threat, where did Parker acquire superpowers, and what are they? How does the "battle" go in the early stages? If we're losing, what do our heroes plan to do to turn things around?
Everything you've told us could happen in the first chapter or two. We want to know what happens throughout the book.