Saturday, February 04, 2012
EVIL EDITOR CLASSICS
Guess the Plot
Dressed to Kill
1. One woman's eternal struggle to find the perfect-fitting thong.
2. Cher, Bjork, and Paris Hilton, all murdered in one day. Coincidence? Or the new fashion-conscious terrorist group, The Blackwell Brigade?
3. Almost everyone assumes it's a classic case of food poisoning, until Inspector Flouncy proves the stuffing was laced with arsenic.
4. A nightclub owner's plan to have themed costume parties to attract business seems to be working -- until she realizes all those vampire "costumes" aren't disguises.
5. Jaqueline D'Amore, the most fashionable agent in the FBI, goes undercover to thwart a plot to design a blouse that will strangle the First Lady.
6. Fashion designer and amateur sleuth Helena Harkness tries to stop the impeccably dressed "scissors killer" before she can strike again.
Dear Mr. Editor,
In my 90,000 word erotic paranormal romance novel, DRESSED TO KILL, entrepreneur Sylvie Durand learns the true meaning of security when she’s forced to rely on two vampires on opposite sides of the law, Burke Langton and Dane Kittera, to keep her alive. [That sounds more like the true meaning of insecurity.]
Sylvie must get her failing nightclub, Carpe Nocturne, operating in the black before the utilities are cut off and her credit cards are eaten by an ATM machine. In an act of desperation, she decides to hold weekly themed costume parties to stir up business.
[Top 5 acts of desperation when you need money
5. Answer an email from Nigeria.
4. Become an assassin for hire.
3. Turn tricks in downtown Detroit.
2. Rob a convenience store.
1. Hold a costume party.]
And it seems to be working until she discovers a dead body in her office and learns the vampire “costumes” aren’t exactly disguises. [Actually, if it got out that there were real vampires in the place, business would skyrocket.] [Note to self: If you must attend a costume party full of vampires, dress as a clove of garlic.]
Burke is on the run. Wrongfully accused of murder, he’s struggling to keep two steps ahead of the Excoluni--the law enforcement arm of the United Magical Nations-- [Admit it, you couldn't think of a good name for the cops, so you opened your medicine cabinet, and took the first two letters from the first four things you saw: Ex-Lax, Contac, Lunesta, and Nicoderm.] [Could have been worse, you could have opened the refrigerator and come up with asparagus, shallots, oleo and escarole.] while tracking down the real killer. Unfortunately after the murderer strikes again, this time at Carpe Nocturne, he learns Sylvie is his Origo--his mate. [That sentence makes it sound like Sylvie is the murderer's Origo; you mean she's Burke's, right?] [Also, why is it unfortunate that he learns she's his Origo?] He also discovers she could be the murderer’s next victim. Now he must find the killer while protecting Sylvie, and he must battle the potent desire she stirs with a mere glance. [This having been described as an erotic novel, one assumes this battle is a lost cause.]
Dane is a high-ranking officer of the Excoluni. [Wait a minute, a high-ranking cop is a vampire? Evil Editor would like to have been at that job interview.
Interviewer: I see from your résumé that you kill people and drink their blood on a regular basis.
Dane: Sure, it sounds bad when you put it that way.
His mission is simple--bring Burke to justice. However, that’s no easy task [Even if I did just say it was simple.] when they share an Origo. [Seems like women would outnumber vampires by enough so that two vampires could each have their own Origo.] [Oh, I get it, some Origos enjoy being shared.] Now he must make the impossible [or at least the really, really difficult] choice between the dark hunger driving him to complete the Binding and his commitment to the law. [It's a guy vampire; I think I know which way he'll go.] [It doesn't have the same ring to it when they're lying in bed afterward, smoking a cigarette, and a vampire says to his Origo, "Did you complete the Binding?"]
I am a multi-published author of erotic romance fiction, with over twenty novels and novellas published and/or contracted by Independent Publisher and Big House Publishing. Thank you for your time. A complete manuscript is available upon request. I have enclosed a SASE for your response.
Two vampires with one Origo? Evil Editor imagines there's a lot of drooling onto keyboards going on right now.
If Burke was wrongly accused, it may not be correct to claim he and Dane are on opposite sides of the law.
The plot seems local, so it's not clear why it involves an international law enforcement agency. Even if there's some sort of Interpol of Paranormal Crime, it seems every city police department would have a vampire hunter or two on staff. I know mine does.
Posted by Evil Editor at 9:14 AM