William E. Editor, age 443, died at the Kennel Klinic on Wednesday, July 20, 2008, following a continuing health battle.
He was born on March 15, 1564, in Stratford-upon-Avon, to parents John and Mary. He attended King's New School until being apprenticed to Vlad-Drac Szekel, reportedly an iron forger, and later to Francis Bacon, a scroll forger. He served under Elizabeth I (formerly “the Virgin Queen”), and was a military man, too. Elizabeth affectionately referred to him as “Sparky.”
The years following his minor Elizabethan writing career are sketchy, but “his wake was wide,” according to the single extant page of his post-Tudor diary. His career reached blogospheric proportions in the 2000s, which, ironically, led to his death. In his searing, prescient documentary, Fin de Siècle, he spoke of feeling “exhausted at every turn by an army of worshipers who sucked my very oxygen. The blog minions were ever worse.”
Mr. Editor was a member of the Minionite Church of Newark, where he was, of course, pastor. He is survived by his wife, Elizabeth, and enumerable sons and daughters “spanning all corners of Terra,” to use his words.
Funeral services will be held atop the Carpathian Mountains to an “eclectic audience.” The re-raising will be held immediately afterward, so that there will be no lapse in blog entries.
In lieu of flowers, please donate vast riches to the Muttonchop Mange Research Foundation.