My Sweet Master,
At your command I have been working diligently to separate my eternal soul from its earthly encumbrance, stomping heartily upon it, but to no avail. For good measure I have also plucked out my eyes, let my blood twice and read your blog daily as prescribed. Yet I have not seen the slightest degree of success. I apologize deeply for my conspicuous weakness and I hear your kind musing even now as I await your wrath:
“Read my words, admire, aspire, then throw yourself in front of a bus, fool!”
Simply pondering your words of instruction has renewed me. I promise I will try again to destroy myself with an imprudent belief in my own writing skills. I am sure this is the true path to ultimate success. And I will follow you, oh Master of Evil, to my own utter destruction...even if it kills me.
Your minutest minion,