“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It’s been approximately three decades since my last confession, and even that one was a little suspect in the truth department.
I’m here today because I need to confess some stuff about my relationship with this guy I know, Evil Editor. What’s that? No, I don’t really know him. No. I don’t know who he is…No…I don’t think he’s the Spawn of Satan with a name like Evil…Well, OK, sometimes I do. Just kidding! But only barely. Anyway, I was thinking I should probably apologize to the guy for taking up so much of his time. What’s that? No, not in person. On his blog. HIS BLOG. These things on the internet. Yeah, I still think he’s a real person even though he only has a cartoon face. One time he talked about his cartoon muttonchops being legwarmers and I had a nice dream about that and…Oh, hell, I mean, sorry, yeah, no bad words in confession. What’s that? Tell you more about that dream? No. Now can I get down to it? Can I? Good. I had a long list of funny things I was gonna write for him and tell him I was sorry for, and some of them I even meant. But right now I’m really upset with him about…Well, there's a list. What’s that? No. I’m telling you, I don’t know the man. No, he’s not secretly my husband. This is not a coded confession, Father. Never mind. Yeah. I’ll say three Our Fathers and two Hail Mary’s and beg forgiveness for my sins. Yeah. Then I’ll be absolved. Thanks.”