Sunday, May 04, 2008

Detective Story 13

I was practicing lighting kitchen matches with my thumbnail when the bim walked in. She'd been poured into her dress like maple syrup into the squares of a Belgian waffle. She had on cheaters and an oyster fruit necklace worth more lettuce than I'd seen in my lifetime. "Mr. Malone?" she said.

"Yes?"

"Frank?"

"Usually."

"I . . . I need you to find someone." She sounded as helpless as a kitten up a tree. I didn't have to ask her name. Misty.

"Your sister's been missing two weeks? The sister who always wears black and married a loser from Chicago with a birthmark on his neck?" It was a wild guess, but if I was right, she'd be impressed enough I could charge twice my usual rate.

"Why . . . How did you know all that?"

"When you've been a dick as long as I have, you learn to read people or you die faster than a fat guy in a swimming pool full of blind narwhals. How much cabbage have you got on you?"

"Cabbage?"

"Kale. Rhino . . . Scratch? Mazuma?"

"I can't pay much."

"Those rags and marbles tell a different story. I'll need three centuries up front."

She reached into her sugar bag, but what came out wasn't three C's, just the business end of her roscoe.

"Careful with that gat," I told her. "I'd hate to see you fry. It'd be a waste of two perfect pins."

She tried to throw lead. Click. Click. "Forget these?" I asked, holding out my hand and six slugs.

"But how--?"

"Snuck 'em out while you weren't looking." I got on the horn and called the johns. "How about I pour us some eel juice while we wait?" I asked her.

She just sneered. Women. I'll never crab 'em.

--Evil Editor

13 comments:

writtenwyrdd said...

Hilarious, EE. So full of jargon (some of which I think might have been made up by you) it was hilariously hard to follow, like the worlds worst metaphor. But in a good way.

Sarah Laurenson said...

Like every bad, um, good detective story with its overload of cliches. Really enjoyed this one!

Julie Weathers said...

Yep, this definitely hit the mark. Too funny.

"Frank?"

"Usually."

Sorry, but I am so easily amused. This just tickled me.

Dave F. said...

Now that's hardcore detective.
The winner!

Robin S. said...

You're a trip.

Love: "the bim"

and the same thing Julie did- the

Frank?

Usually..bit.

PS, YRH - If you're having trouble with women, I'd say you have lots and lots of us willing to help you out with advice, and stuff. (Biting is extra.)

sylvia said...

"She'd been poured into her dress like maple syrup into the squares of a Belgian waffle."

This is my brand-new favouritist simile :)

Anonymous said...

(in between long draughts of lillac blooms) Yes, very funny and as hard-boiled as they come. Loved the vernacular!!

ME

Dave Kuzminski said...

You've been watching Airplane! too many times.

McKoala said...

Fuzzy and confused.

Nancy Beck said...

Holy jargon, Batman! :-)

Fortunately, I grew up watching a lot of the film noirs of the 40s and 50s, so most of it made sense. (Although I agree with writtenwyrdd that you probably made up some of it.)

No matter - it was funny as hell! :-)

And...listen to robin about the advice and...stuff. ;-)

Wes said...

"...a dick as long as I have...". Hmmmm. EE, I didn't figure for the type to brag.

Wes said...

*&^%

"I didn't figure YOU for the type to brag."

Jeb said...

Brilliant!