Bulls' Time Running Out
FOUR CITIES, IA--"Our new bull, Fernando, has fallen down on the job, twice," says Susie Cimbola, treasurer of the Four Cities Four H Club. "The first time was two months ago when he mounted Miss Marjorie Morningstar's cow Bessie and slid on the ice and the second time was last week when Extension agent Phillip "Festus" Harbinger brought the his prize winning cow, Audrey, and left her overnight. Billy Hoskins and Sally MacDonald from Mating Consultants watched from the hayloft and reported that the Bull seemed uninterested in the cow except for two opportunities when Bessy lowered her guard and flashed the bull.
"If that bull don't get to his business soon," Farmer Jones declared, "then we'll be forced into manual manipulation or worse. Either Pastor Ferguson will be forced to pray over the animals or Festus will bring out the electro-ejaculator." Film at 11.
Disney World Restaurant Bans Children
LAKE BUENA VISTA, FL – Walt Disney World has banned children under 10 from Victoria and Albert's, Central Florida's only five-diamond rated restaurant.
When asked about the new policy to forbid youngsters from participating in the restaurant's seven-course $125 to $170 per person meals which often last well over three hours, Disney spokeswoman, Leslie Spielgood replied, "Well, duh."
She further hinted that this may be just the first of several Disney marketing moves that would target adults over children. "Let's face it. Kids today are smarter, more sophisticated than their parents. They see through the pixie dust. They're a tough sell. Disney's future lies not with children, but with childlike adults."
Visitors from around the country didn't think the new kid ban would affect their family vacations.
Debra Blivious, mother of three, thought the change was no big deal. "It's no big deal. We're a family of five, so there's plenty for us here. The thing we like to do most is walk side by side, five across, really slowly through Fantasyland, where the crowds bottleneck and everyone's all jammed together. And then we'll stop inexplicably to check the park map, or chitchat about our dinner plans. It's a great way for our family to bond."
Herman Gherkhoff, from Scarsdale, NY, shared similar views. "We fly the whole family down, every summer, and we have a freakin ball. Sometimes we don't even make it to the parks. We just rent a car and drive like maniacs along I-4, you know, slowin down, speedin up, randomly changin lanes, stuff like that."
If all goes well with the kid ban, Spielgood said Disney may expand it to include additional restaurants, hotels, and possibly even the parks themselves. "The goal is to eventually ban all minor children from the Magic Kingdom for an 18 month period in order to celebrate our brand new adult-only, clothing-optional event called The Year of a Million Orgies."
"Now that," said Gherkhoff, "I would wait in line for."
See you real soon!
$20 Million for Police Torture Victims
NEW YORK CITY--The art world was rocked today by the sale of Andreas Gambini's controversial sculpture, "Police Torture Victims". Made from the remains of human cadavers, the piece features the halves of a single man, draped across the body of an articulated female skeleton.
Gambini has publicly denounced the use of force by the police. "They are always bustin' into our lives. What's an honest Italian American to do?"
A spokesmen for the anonymous buyer did not know the immediate future of the piece. "It's just business, you know?"
Gambini is no stranger to controversy. In 1998 his "Witness", a severed human head with a gun in its mouth, drew a mixed reaction when first exhibited. While Gambini's vision drew praise, many members of the Italian-American community expressed misgivings.
"It's wrong to display Tommy Bonducci like that," said neighbor Vicky Marucci. "You'd think that Gambini would show a little class, but no. Not them goombas."
Ms. Marucci was unavailable for comments concerning today's record-setting sale.
Baby Mice Found on Plane
PARIS--They were cold, hungry and disoriented, but six baby mice were found unharmed yesterday on an Air France flight bound from Newark to Paris.
"I'm just so glad they're all right," squeaked their mother, Molly Muridae, aged 3 months, speaking from her home in Princeton. "They could have been stepped on. So many terrible things could have happened."
The young mice were first reported missing last Tuesday, when Ms. Muridae made a tearful plea on national television for the return of her babies. Police had named the children's estranged father, Mus, as a "rodent of interest" in the case. It is now believed that he had no connection to the mouselings' disappearance.
During the long flight to Paris, the enterprising youngsters managed to escape their cage and make their way into the main cabin of the aircraft, where passengers reported hearing indistinct scuffling sounds. The young mice were eventually found cowering under seat 6B.
After a brief stay in Paris, where they visited the Eiffel Tower and dined on eclairs, the young Muridaes were flown back to Newark to be reunited with their mother. Two garter snakes have been taken into custody.
India’s Tata Motors unveils $2,500 car
NEW DELHI--The new Tata bargain car has more going for it than its price, says company spokesman Ma Ma Rhee. "The state-of-the-art automatic transmission means that even boobs can drive it with ease; and air conditioning and sound can be adjusted with a couple of knobs. There is adequate room in the back for bringing home your shopping--even large items like coconuts, melons, and jugs of milk--or a couple of lively puppies. And there is a rack on top for carrying larger items. For safety, it has extra-large headlights and a loud hooter.
"And the ride is very smooth--you'll hardly notice the speed bumps as you commute to your office each day and then return to the bosom of your family.
"This is a car designed with the working wife in mind," added Rhee. "We expect the women of India to display their Tatas proudly to the rest of the world."
---tal (in homage to Robin)